Page 116 of Seeing Grayscale

He runs and avoids.

Is that what our relationship will be like?

A hand grabs my wrist, gently tugging my thumb out of my mouth. “Hey,” he says gently. “What’s wrong?”

I glance at him.

I could tell him. The urge is strong.

Since we’ve started this whole thing, I haven’t held back much. If it means a lot to me, I voice it, and typically he listens. Somehow, I know this time is different. I know he’s not ready to hear it. Common sense screams at me to buckle up for the inevitable—that I need to prepare for the worst and brace myself for the bleak…because it’s coming. It has to. Whenever he faceshis dad, Hunter will have to choose. And as much as my heart insists he won’t abandon me, my brain says otherwise.

He might not be ready to hear it, but I'll snap if I hold it in any longer. Taking a breath, I slowly lace our fingers together and just let it out. “I’m scared.”

Frowning, he flips the turn signal, and we head towards the side road that leads to the summer house. “Why? Nothing is going to happen to you.”

“I’m not afraid of that.” I take another breath. “When you talk to your dad—because you will—I know what will happen. And…I’m scared. Being with you has made me lose my edge. If I have to go back on the street, I don’t know what’ll happen. And no, this isn’t me trying to manipulate you into saying shit you don’t mean. It’s the truth.”

He’s quiet for a while, only speaking when we park in front of the house. It looks the same as last time we were here, only it feels like a lifetime ago. After killing the engine, he leans back in his seat, closes his eyes, and breathes. “Gray, you know I won’t let you go back there, right?”

“I don’t know that.”

Sighing heavily, he tugs our entwined hands into his lap. “Being with you has changed me. And like you, I’m afraid of what comes next. Hell, I’m fucking shitting myself over it.” I watch him closely since his eyes are still shut. “In six days, I turn thirty. Did you know that?”

“No,” I mumble.

“When is your birthday?”

I snort. “June 19th. But I don’t see how that’s relevant—”

“You make me want to know those things. You make me remember that they’re important. I’ve become so used to the impersonal, the detachment, and the surface level. Sometimes I forget that more exists. And I’m sorry if I haven’t done a good job.”

I’m confused, unsure what the fuck he’s talking about, but his eyes open and land on mine. When he’s angry or horny, those hazels are more green, but right now, mixed in with the golden brown are tiny flecks of blue.

“I’m proud of you,” he tells me with a sweet smile. It harpoons right through my heart. “I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I let everything else get in the way. I never want to put you second, Gray, but sometimes it’ll happen. Just know that it doesn’t mean I care any less or forget what’s important. You worked so hard to pass that test, and I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.”

I bite my lip to stop it from wobbling and blink fast to stifle the budding tears. “Thanks.”

“I won’t lie and say I’m ready to confront my dad. I’m not. He’s got my mom calling and texting, using her to try and guilt me into responding. Part of me wants to answer, to come crawling on my hands and knees and beg them to believeanother lie.”

I stay quiet, letting him get his thoughts out.

“I’m so sick of lying. And I’m sick of pretending to be this person. That’s why I came here. Yes, it was partly to make sure my parents don’t harass you should they come knocking, which they will. But this place used to house a happy family every summer. Before I started hiding, before my mom left, before my dad got sucked into his inner circle and their fucked up views. We were happy—I was happyhere.I want to see if I can find that again. Maybe give me some courage to do what I know I have to.”

“What do you have to do?” Because I want to hear him say it.

“I need to tell them the truth. About Xavier. About you. About me. And I will…do it. Just not today.”

Defeated is only touching the precipice of what looms over Hunter. Every word he speaks feels like he’s trying to convince himself. Like some weird pep talk to a kid who doesn’t give a fuck what you have to say. It all sounds good—doable—but still, somewhere deep down in my gut, there’s this inkling insistingI’ll only believe it when I see. The sensation is fleeting, however, because he pleads with his eyes, and despite myself, I nod.

“Not today,” I hear myself saying.

“Thank you.” And he leans over to kiss me.

This is going to hurt so fucking bad.

FORTY-EIGHT

Candy:Pleasetalktome. You used to tell me everything.

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