Page 97 of Seeing Grayscale

But the first rejection email came at lightspeed, saying that Imusthave a GED at the bare minimum, and that lying on my application automatically cost me the position.

So…the hardware store is out.

I’m eating a bowl of cereal, feeling like the biggest loser on the planet, while dreading rechecking my email. If the hardware store checked, I’m sure the others will too.

Hunter had another grocery delivery come this morning. Unlike last time, this order came with way more stuff, which I dutifully put away so the meat, milk, and perishables wouldn’t rot on his counter. I don’t know if I did it right or if he has a specific place for things, but the thought counts, right?

After our talk last night, I fell asleep on his chest. I’m shocked he even let it happen, despite saying we need to go slow. When I woke up, he was gone, and I received a text telling me to expect a delivery and look online for ‘interview clothes’. I haven’t done that yet, and I'm seeing no point.

It’s easy to let the roadblocks stop me. I have every other time.

While I shovel another heaping bite ofplain fucking Cheeriosinto my face, I ask myself why? Why have I been so quick to lie down and take it? Every hit life has thrown at me, I’ve allowed it to happen with very little pushback. Even when those guys held me down, took my money and my body, as soon as I realized I couldn’t escape, I stopped fighting.

My parents died, and I gave up.

I think about all the opportunities Hunter pissed away because of fear.

Is that the same for me?

Am I afraid? Maybe…if only a little bit.

Failure in any form is never fun, but when have I ever allowed myself to try hard enough that failure was even a possibility? I can’t remember the last time. Being used doesn’t count. Being taken advantage of or abandoned isn’t the same thing.

I don’t think I ever have—tried, that is.

Finishing my cereal quickly, I don’t bother washing the bowl and power walk to the living room, where I’ve had the laptop charging. I open it, pull up the internet, and hammer on thekeys.How to get a GED.At first, I get so overwhelmed I immediately shut the laptop again. My heart races mercilessly in my chest, threatening combustion.

It’s silly, but I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I had my shit together.

What ifImade the money, had the job, the car, thelife?

What if I could be what Hunter has been? A white knight. A savior.

If the circumstances were different, and I could provide a safe haven, an escape from his shitty existence, maybe we could be what he keeps denying us. He wouldn’t have to worry about losing everything because I would be there.

A stupid, dopey smile spreads to my lips, and I go back to my research.

There are free online courses to make sure you pass the GED test. The test cost isn’t much, but it is sending a shot of pure excitement through me. If I study hard and really put my mind to it, I could have that silly piece of paper in my hand, guaranteeing me a future—one that I could make for myself. I chew on my thumb as I browse the various websites for the online courses, trying to find the best one.

When I settle on USAHello Classroom, a surge of confidence hits my body. I don’t need much to make an account either. Once that’s set up, I search for how to get my social security card and birth certificate without an ID. That’s slightly more daunting, but not impossible. I bookmarkeverything, itching for a pen and paper, but willing to go without for the moment.

I do, however, text Hunter.

Sorry to bug you at work, but is there any way you can get me a notepad and like…a pencil or something?

Guilt immediately hits me smack in the chest as I realize I’m asking formore. He’s already done so much for me—spent so much. But I need a tiny bit more, and then I can start doing thiswithout him. I panic a little over the possibility, having grown used to him, but ultimately, he will want me more if I depend on him less. I know it. And I want that more than I want anything else.

His text comes in a few minutes later.

Hunter: Of course.

Hunter: Has anyone come by the house?

No?

Hunter: Lock the doors for me.

Okay.

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