Page 100 of Just My Type of wrong guy

Alexandra takes a deep breath and pulls me into a tight hug.

“I’m so sorry, A.J.,” she murmurs against my shoulder, stroking my hair. “You were a kid, he took you away from your parents, and he destroyed your life, offering himself as the only lifeline.”

“At the time, I knew it was bullshit, but I didn’t realize what it really meant.” My voice comes out hoarse, and I shrug, pulling away from Alex’s hug. “I grabbed seven hundred bucks, left the apartment with my hair cut and beard shaved, ready to face the fact that my dream was over. Because, see… I couldn’t go back to my parents’ house with nothing.”

“You shouldn’t have gone through that alone.” Alexandra wipes her own tears and kisses both my eyes, where mine are trapped. “They were your parents, A.J., just because they didn’t support you doesn’t mean they hated you.”

“They would’ve rubbed that in my face for the rest of my life.”

“You don’t know that, A.J..”

“I feel so lost when I think about it,” I confess, rubbing my face. “Part of me is sure: Going back would’ve been the same as admitting they were right. And, as much as they were right about the world, they weren’t about me. Some men might have power over other people’s lives, but fate is relentless, and look where I am now,” I repeat the words that comfort me when I cry from missing home.

“And what does the other part say?” Alexandra asks, making my tears roll down.

“That I was a kid, didn’t know anything about life, and should’ve gone back. Because they were my parents, and I loved them, and they loved me. But when you’re young and have something to prove… those things seem small, you know? And after everything got better, I was so ashamed of failing where they warned it would go wrong and…”

“It wasn’t your fault, A.J., it wasn’t, you know that.”

“I’m still afraid of not being enough. I’m afraid they don’t care, of hearing that I almost got abused because I didn’t listen to them… I’m afraid that pride, ego, or anything else will make the love they said they felt not be enough,” I confess, sniffling. “But I’m here despite them, despite the past, living the life I’ve always dreamed of.”

“And you’re telling me this today because…”

“Because, despite the loneliness, the pain, the bumps along the way, dreams come true. I never told anyone this, Dani knows Big D. tried to destroy my career, but she doesn’t know why. I’m telling you this, so you forget what others think and focus on your career. Even if ‘others’ are your dad.” She tries to interrupt me, but I keep going: “You’re not the girl of some other musician, remember? Not for me, not for him.You’re you, and I never want to see you crying like that again, like singing was some unforgivable sin,” I say, and she nods, hugging me tighter,and I hold her for long enough to know that, even though some wounds may never heal, we’ll always find people who ease the pain.

“Despite not being able to go back, what would it be like if they came to you? To your shows or I don’t know… just wanted to have contact with you,” she verbalizes the question my mind has always asked me, and a thick tear rolls down my right eye.

“If you asked me this a year ago, I would’ve had an answer; just like you expect something from your dad now that ‘you’ve made it,’ I also expected that Vicious’ success would bring them closer to me. Today I’ve lost that hope.”

“But what if it happened?”

The truth is, I don’t know. I have no idea what it would be like to have my parents back in my life, living with them… I’m sure both of them think I’m a damn junkie.

“I think it would be the most vulnerable day of my life,” I answer the only thing I know.

“Thank you for trusting, A.J. You didn’t have to do this…”

“I had to. Otherwise, you’d throw everything away to confront your dad about why he doesn’t love you enough, and that wouldn’t help either of you at all.” I stand up carefully. “He has his reasons for disagreeing with your career, and you have yours for following it,” I say, and Alexandra opens her mouth to try to justify, but she’ll understand. Over time, she will. “Now, can we talk about something good and leave the sadness in the past?”

“No.” She jumps up, making me furrow my brow. “Now we’re going to drink. You throw this at me and expect me to get over everything in seconds? I don’t have your resilience.”

“All right, you’ll tell me about your mom later? I want to know everything about her, the happy days, MPB, how you were…”

Alexandra flashes a huge smile, unwittingly doing what I always do to face life: seeing the bright side of things.

“I’ll tell you and give you every detail about how she loved me enough.” Alexandra smiles, dragging me to the kitchen, and I squeeze her hand, aware that nothing has changed.

She’s not okay.

But at least now she knows she’s the only one responsible for her own dreams.

***

The sunlight cuts through the room and bothers me before I even open my eyes. I turn my face to the other side, trying to hide in the pillow, but I feel something warm and soft between my fingers. A hand, intertwined with mine.

I furrow my brow, blinking slowly until my vision adjusts. My eyes fall on the small, delicate fingers between mine, and then I follow the arm to find the body stretched out on the couch.

Jeez.

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