Page 22 of Into the Shadows

“Why didn't you email me back?”

I stare at the dark ceiling, trying to come up with the best response. Excuse after excuse pops into my head.

Lottie would see through every single one.

I roll over onto my side, unable to make out any of Lottie's features. Something about being in the dark allows me to be honest. “I needed you to move on from me. The only way I could think of getting you to do that is by not replying. I couldn't afford to get attached to you and then watch you fall for someone else.”

“I tried,” Lottie says in the quiet room. “By the second year of not hearing back from you, I realized I'd been pining for somebody who didn't want me the same way.” She breathes out a laugh. “I went on many disastrous dates.”

An ugly part of me flares up in anger. This is why I didn’t want to read her emails. Seeing hard proof of her dating would’ve sent me over the edge of irrational jealousy. I know now that she didn’t mention anything about it, but I couldn’t afford to take the chance.

“After about the tenth date,” Lottie continues, “I realized Iwas the problem. I was purposefully choosing men I wasn't compatible with. I thought I could justify it because at least I was dating. I was making an effort to move on, but looking back, I truly wasn't trying very hard.”

“So…you're not seeing anyone?”

I can practically hear the smile on her face. “No, I'm not dating anyone.”

Where I’m going with this conversation beats me. Nothing has changed. I’m far from the right person for Lottie. Letting her into my life would mean opening the doors to demons she has no business seeing. She deserves a man who can meet her at her level. All I’d do is drag her down to mine.

“Are you—” Lottie starts.

“Go to sleep, Sparkles. We can talk in the morning.”

She sighs, and the bed moves as she rolls over.

I lie there for a while, listening to her breathe. The soft cadence slowly becomes rhythmic, and I know she's asleep. It takes me a while, but I finally find sleep myself.

Citrus fillsmy senses as I take in a deep breath. Lottie’s arm is draped across my waist, her body flush against my side. I revel in the feeling of having her in my arms for a moment until I force myself to let go.

I carefully extract my arm from around her and sit up in bed. Lottie rolls over onto her stomach and cuddles with my pillow. I rip my eyes away from the tempting sight to grab my crutches.

Once I’m in the bathroom, I fix my prosthesis to my leg and finish getting dressed. I feel marginally put together, though I make sure not to look in the mirror. I don’t recognize the man reflecting back at me anymore.

When I walk back into the bedroom, Lottie’s sitting up inbed, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her brown hair is a messy halo around her head. She's gorgeously sleep-rumpled, and a fierce longing hits me square in the chest.

“I’m going to make breakfast. Use whatever you need to in the bathroom.” I dart out of the room before I can do something stupid like kiss her.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, I take a moment to gather my bearings. She’s going to wreck me if I don’t break the stranglehold she’s got on my heart.

Preparing coffee becomes a lifeline to get out of my head. While it brews, I pull out the stuff to make eggs. Lottie comes out of my bedroom a few minutes later, wearing the same clothes she wore yesterday.

“Have a seat. Breakfast will be ready in a minute.” I nod toward my table. I fix her a cup of coffee and take it over to where she's sitting. The smile she throws my way takes me back years.

I still remember the way she looked at me when she walked up to my table at the diner. All I could do was stare at her, the same as I'm doing now. I wrench my gaze away and finish making breakfast. When it’s ready, I take it to the table and sit down. Grabbing the spatula from the pan, I make Lottie a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast. Her eyes widen at the amount of food I give her, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Thank you for letting me stay and taking care of me after the storm.”

I shrug. “It’s not a big deal.” What I don’t tell her is how much one night has shifted my entire focus. Her staying was as much for me as it was for her.

“I’ve got a meeting with a sheriff in Castle Hill, so I need to head home.”

“I could go with you if you want.” The words are out of my mouth before I can even think about it.

Lottie frowns. “I’m just meeting with the sheriff about the case. I don't think there's anything too dangerous about it.”

“Of course,” I say, scolding myself internally. It's not like I could help her anyway. I couldn’t even protect her in the state I'm in. I should find a gym. The therapist in Germany told me a trainer could help me find a new normal. Maybe it’s time I learn what that looks like.

“Thanks for offering, though.”

---