Page 70 of Into the Shadows

When that firework went off, my brain went straight back to when the first car exploded. I threw myself at Lottie, prepared for the next explosion, but it never came. When I realized what I’d done, her family had already gathered around us. Lottie wasn’t moving, and I knew if I didn’t get out of there, something worse would happen.

I put Lottie in danger tonight. She got hurt because of me. How many more people are going to suffer at my hands?

I need to leave. I have to get out of here before I hurt anyone else.

Everything inside me is screaming to start packing a bag and go, but my body is still frozen. I can’t move. If I leave this spot, a wake of destruction will follow. I’ve got plenty of proof of that. Why would I risk it?

Loki shoves his face into my neck. He’s curled up on the floor next to where I’m lying. The carpet is disgusting, yet I can’t get myself to sit up. I’m pathetic, a waste of space who can’t even protect himself from his own mind.

I close my eyes against the thoughts. They’re in my mom’s voice. The same tone she used to get when she berated me for not buying the alcohol we didn’t have money for. It never mattered to her that I wasn’t old enough to buy it, let alone too starving to think of anything other than food.

How did I ever believe I could be the man for Lottie?

A noise makes me freeze.

Then her citrus smell envelops the small closet in my bedroom. She doesn’t say anything, just sits down by my head. Loki walks over to her for a cuddle, making himself at home in her lap.

I close my eyes against the self-loathing. I refuse to see her face. Seeing any amount of pity in her eyes would shatter me into irreparable pieces.

“Caroline used to get these awful night terrors when she was little. Usually, they were about one of us dying. She’d describe these terrifyingly graphic accidents that threatened to give me nightmares, as well. We shared a Jack and Jill bathroom, so she’d burst through my door in the middle of the night and jump into my bed. Always scared the shit out of me until I realized it was Caro.” Lottie breathes out a laugh. Her voice is soothing my frayed nerves.

“She’d squeeze me as tight as possible until her shaking subsided. Then she’d tell me what she dreamed about. It took everything I had not to react. I couldn’t show any emotion while she described the scenes. If I did, she would cry even harder and ask what was wrong with her. I learned to lock down my expressions when she’d describe what she saw.

“I hated that she thought something was wrong with her, so I’d always say her brain was wired to play movies while she slept. Sometimes, they were horror movies. Then I’d say, ‘The good news is you can watch scary movies in the daytime without blinking.’ She’s obsessed with them now. My plan backfired. She somehow manages to rope me into watching them with her.”

That makes my mouth twitch. I’m not surprised in the slightest that Caro would find a way to conquer her terror. With Lottie by her side, she had everything she needed to succeed.

The point of Lottie’s story hits me like a sledgehammer. She’s not afraid to battle the darkness with me just as she did for Caroline.

“My dreams are about real events.” It’s not a great protest, but I can’t let her think this will be the same.

“True. And they’re not just affecting you when you sleep, either. Doesn’t change the fact that I can still remind you that nothing is wrong with you.”

“Look at me, Lottie. I’m lying on the floor of my closet because I got triggered by fucking fireworks.”

“And?”

“And?” I sit up from the floor. Her expression remains neutral in the face of my anger. “And how much more pathetic could I be? I’m a fucking grown-ass man hiding from my demons.”

“Who wouldn’t want to hide from their demons?”

“Normal people.”

“There’s no such thing as normal. Everyone is battling something, Teddy. Some battles might be a little more violent than others, but it doesn’t negate the fight.”

Leaning against the wall, I sit with that for a minute. It’s only then I realize she managed to get me to move from lying flat on the floor to sitting up, when a few minutes ago I couldn’t even lift my head.

Lottie sighs. “One man can’t win a war on his own, Teddy. He needs people to join his army if he has any hope of succeeding. How many deployments would you have died in if you were alone?”

All of them.

Lottie reaches out for my hand. The contact brings me back from the edge more than any words ever could. “Will you let us be your army?”

I finally make eye contact with her. “I hurt you tonight, Lottie. Fuck, I didn’t even ask if you were okay. How can you even look at me?”

Lottie shrugs. “I love you. I’m fine, by the way. Tiny bump on the side of my head from the cooler, but no concussion or anything.”

My stomach turns. Her declaration of love is given without inflection. She’s not saying it in response to what happened; she’s saying she loves me even though it did. “You could’ve had a fucking concussion?”

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