Page 34 of Spoonful

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“These star charts are amazing,” Hiro said with naked admiration when Jaylin offered his journal up for inspection. He’d been working on it for the better part of two weeks, and had figured that Hiro ought to see it, considering that Jaylin had done most of the star-gazing recorded in the journal while they had been together. “Your teacher’s going to love it.”

Jaylin ducked his head, embarrassed by how pleased Hiro’s enthusiasm made him feel. He couldn't deny that he had worked hard on his journal, but it felt silly to be praised for a school project.

“No, Jaylin, I mean it,” Hiro said. “This isart.”

Jaylin bit his lip, cheeks hot. He’d tried to make the charts look good, first for the grade, but then… it had just been kind of fun. He’d always liked drawing—art class had been like the only class in school hehadn’talmost failed out of—but he hadn’t realized until he’d made his star charts how long it had been since he’d sat down and gotten creative.

He’d maybe made his star charts a little more detailed than his teacher was probably expecting, but he’d enjoyed himself.

It was really fucking nice to hear Hiro praise him for his silly drawings. “You really like it?”

“Of course I do,” Hiro said.Of course.

“Want me to make you one?” Jaylin asked, before he could think about how stupid it was to offer. Hiro had actualarton the walls in his house, of course he wouldn’t want—

“Really?” Hiro asked, looking delighted. Like Jaylin making him a star chart colored with highlighter was this incrediblething.

“I mean sure,” Jaylin stammered. “Yeah. If you want me to.”

“That’d be amazing,” Hiro said. “I’d love one.” His smile turned mischievous. “If you’re making another star chart, does that mean I get to stargaze with you again?”

Jaylin’s blush deepened. “I mean if you want. I’d, um, I’d like that.”

“So would I,” Hiro said. He didn’t reach out to touch Jaylin, but for a moment Jaylin wondered what would happen if Hiro would. How it would feel, to have Hiro’s fingers wrap around his own, or to feel the man’s warmth at Jaylin’s back. “Are you free this Friday night?”

“Oh, I…” The warm feeling doused quickly. “I have plans Friday,” Jaylin said, breaking eye contact. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Hiro said easily. “Saturday or Sunday? I’m pretty open this weekend after the sun goes down.”

“Not out partying?” Jaylin asked, trying for teasing.

Hiro snorted. “If you think I’m the partying type after these last few weeks of listening to me go on about constellations, I might need to seriously reconsider our friendship.”

Friendship.Right. That’s what this was. Hiro was Jaylin’s friend.

It was okay, if they were friends. Then Jaylin wasn’t leading him on. Or expecting or hoping for anything else. Hiro was sweet to him, in a way Jaylin didn’t deserve, but it was something he didn't want to fight.

He just knew how badly he was flirting with danger. Jaylin had been able to keep Hiro in the dark about Brent, but it tasted more and more of dishonesty in a way that turned Jaylin’s stomach. And ifBrentwere to find out aboutHiro…

For the most part Jaylin tried not to think about it, like he always did. He knew he was in over his head, but he wasn't yet in a place where he could afford to mess up with Brent. For all thathe hated that he was lying to Hiro by omission, he couldn't make himself give Hiro up either.

At the end of the day, Jaylin knew he was being stupid and selfish. In another life, maybe, he had his shit together. Someone might have cared about him enough to make sure he’d gotten accommodations earlier on, so he didn’t struggle with school for years. Maybe he’d even have a job he liked by now, one that let him be independent. In another life, Jaylin wasn't a sugar baby to an asshole who got off on the fact that Jaylin was struggling. He’d be able to spend time with Hiro without guilt eating away at him.

Even if Hiro was just his friend, Jaylin felt like he was emotionally cheating on him somehow. He shouldn’t be spending time with Hiro, hungry for the man’s attention, while Brent lived in the back of Jaylin’s head.

But that wasn’t the life he had, so he had to live with the one he’d gotten.

At least everything else was going well

***

“You’ve been doing so much better in your classes recently,” Brent said after he’d made Jaylin show him the results of his last statistics test. Jaylin braced himself at the silken tone. It might almost sound like approval coming from anyone else, but Jaylin knew better. He wasn't going to like whatever came out of Brent’s mouth next.

“Yeah,” he tried. “I’ve been working hard.”

“Mm.” Brent played with a coil of Jaylin’s hair, winding the curls around his finger, and Jaylin managed not to shudder. “Maybe this means you don’t need those study sessions with Addison anymore.”

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