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Jay hadn’t had any idea Soren felt that way. The thought that there was any part of him enviable to Soren was almost laughable. “You don’t think that makes me weak?”

“I think it makes you anything but weak.”

“I’ve lost other things though. Other parts of myself.” Like Soren had said, Jay was lacking in life experience of all kinds. Stunted.

“I know you have, Jaybird.”

“I’ve always enviedyou. Your bravery. Your boldness.”

Soren laughed airily. “Oh, I’ve got plenty of other faults to make up for it.”

“But Gabe loves you as you are.”

“Yes, he does,” Soren said softly, his expression turning serious once again. “And he doesn’t regret turning. I know that for a fact, through the bond if nothing else. What he’s gained means more to him than what he lost.”

Jay knew that was probably true. But Gabe had only been a vampire for less than a year. How would he feel after two hundred more?

What was right, what was wrong, and what was just a matter of choice?

Jay wished someone could tell him for sure.

seventeen

Alexei

Theburstpipewas…well,it was what it was.

The incident had apparently occurred in the attic, and water had flooded through a crack in the ceiling to Alexei’s bedroom, ruining his bedding and a good portion of his clothes. None of that bothered Alexei. What he did check—more frantic than he would have thought—was the little cabinet in his bedside table, which was already warped on the outside but blessedly dry on the inside.

He dug out the contents with care. It wasn’t much, just a few photos of his mother, of his brothers, even one of his father he hadn’t had the guts to burn yet.

It’s hard to hate the people who raised you.

It wasn’t exactly true. Maybe for Jay, who was good and kind and pure, all the things Alexei really wasn’t (no matter how often Jay may call him the nicest human). But for Alexei, the struggle was keeping that hatredpure. The love kept creeping in against his will, built out of tiny, inconsequential moments. The time his father had taken him—only him, not Ivan or Sascha—to a baseball game (Alexei had later found out his father was there for business more than anything else, disappearing for a good hour and leaving Alexei alone with his hot dog). Seeing his father dancing with his mother in the kitchen (Alexei had always wondered how he had wooed her, in the beginning. By pretending to have a heart? How had she possibly been fooled?). The strange, almost proud look in his father’s eyes every time Alexei grew another inch (and wasn’t that the kicker: the only part of Alexei his father approved of was the thing over which he had no control).

As if summoned by his thoughts, by his proximity to the photos, a familiar number lit up Alexei’s phone. Alexei debated leaving it. He should have switched out phones days ago. Should have changed it out the second after he’d hung up the last time, in point of fact.

Still, he pressed the little green button. “Sascha.”

“You haven’t changed your number yet. That’s quite sloppy of you, Alyosha.”

That cold, monotone recital definitely wasn’t Sascha’s voice.

“Vanya,” Alexei greeted, using the diminutive of his brother’s name in turn—just to be an asshole—while simultaneously cursing himself for picking up the phone.

“You really pissed me off, Alexei, you know that? That was an important deal you fucked up.”

Alexei stared at the picture in his hand, the one of the three of them, all standing careful inches apart, Sascha the only one smiling. “That’s good. I meant to.”

A long silence. Alexei was almost positive Ivan was picturing the many ways he’d like to kill him.

Alexei got bored of the quiet after about ten seconds. “Are you coming for me, then?”

“I don’t know where you are, I’m afraid. Stay on this call long enough and I might be able to find out.”

The pointed warning—so out of character for Ivan—could mean one of two things: either Ivan already knew where Alexei was and thus didn’t give a fuck if Alexei hung up too soon, or he wasn’t coming for Alexei at all. He was actually letting him go.

How stupid would Alexei have to be to believe it to be the latter? And yet he really hoped it was, that they could just…be free of each other. “I didn’t figure you to be so sentimental, Vanya.”

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