Page 108 of Guarding My Love

“You only said it once to me before the last time we talked,” he argued.

“I did. And I realized that the reason I didn’t say it again was because you didn’t say it back. I fell back into my old ways of trying not to make waves. I didn’t want to tip the boat. Call it being passive-aggressive. I didn’t want you to think I was pressuring you.”

“And when you thought that, you decided it was time for you to put yourself first,” he said. “You hinted at what you wanted from me without saying it and I didn’t see it.”

“I should have just told you,” she said.

“But then you’d doubt it. Not that I like how we’ve been apart this long, but I hope you’ve got your answer.”

“Maybe,” she said. “Can I ask why you didn’t say it the first time?”

“Because I have been holding back, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. They are just words and I thought my actions showed more.”

“They have,” she said. “And that is why this whole thing was confusing even to me. I started out one way on my end and ended in another. When your mother was talking to me, I realized that I had to just take this step. I told you I wanted space and then got thinking you might give me months of space if I don’t make the move. I’ve been making most of the first moves in our relationship. Why not make this one?”

He wasn’t going to address the fact she was making all the first moves.

He felt like an idiot that she was right there.

“Back up. When did you talk to my mother?”

“Yesterday. She showed up on my front porch. I hadn’t known she was in town and she said she figured that.”

“I haven’t talked to anyone,” he said, frowning. Someone should have given him a heads-up.

“Your mother said that was the clue that something was going on. That you just hole up away from everyone when things aren’t going well.”

“She needs to stay out of things,” he said.

“She was helpful,” she said. “She really was. I wasn’t upset she stopped over. I’ve never had a parent be there for me. And the day I walked away from you, my mother had called me. She set me off. That is another thing I’ve had time to think about. I let my reaction to her call affect my relationship with you.”

“What did your mother want?” he asked. “I wish you’d told me she called.”

“I should have said a lot of things I didn’t. She called because she’d found out about Harper.” She waved her hand. “I don’t need to go into it. I said things to her that I should have said years ago. She told me I was being dramatic and shut me down. She doesn’t know me and never will.”

“How did that affect our relationship though?” he asked. “I know you. I understand you.”

He watched the tears form in her eyes. “You do. And I lost sight of that. She will always see me as someone that has to be taken care of. That needs validation for everything. I fell right into that trap when I was waiting for you to say the words. I think that is part of the reason I didn’t want to tell you what I was looking for.”

He weighed her words. “I didn’t say them the first time because, though I felt it, I was scared. It’s hard for me to admit that to anyone.”

“I know,” she said.

“You think I’ve changed and I haven’t. I think being with you has just enhanced who I am. You let me be me and, in turn, it makes me a happier person. It doesn’t mean I don’t still need some alone time and when you said you needed it too, I honored it.”

“Do you normally need ten days of it?” she asked.

“Sometimes,” he said. “Depends on how worked up I can get. Though we love each other, I didn’t know what was causing it. And it falls on me for not asking. Or letting it go this long.”

“I think we are both to blame,” she said.

“We are,” he said. “I’m not going to dispute that. But back to what I was saying. I haven’t changed, but you’ve admitted you have. Things are moving fast and I’m okay with that. I told you I was. But I still worried that you’d realize that it’s not what you’re used to. I don’t give you fancy dinners or take you out to clubs or parties. And the two times we were around groups of people you were so worried I was going to flee, that I started to worry it was too much for you.”

“It wasn’t,” she said.

“Don’t you get it?” he said. “Both of us have put these walls up. You’re doubting and worrying about things the same as me. It was driving me nuts that you kept doubting me and in my mind I’m thinking that if you’re doubting me and acting this way, you’re going to get sick of it too. Because you like to socialize more than me. But I wasn’t having an issue either of those times.”

She laughed. “I saw that. I started to believe it. But you’ve admitted you don’t like people.”

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