Page 25 of Benidorm Again

‘I’m not in the habit of milking my leading man like a farmyard animal,’ I say very loudly, using their own vulgar terminology, so they know that I’m onto them. ‘But my point is… if I want to pull on Luke’s big, hairy udder ’til the cows come home, I will!’

There, that’s them told.

The chorus girls are standing with their mouths hanging open. Dolly is standing with her mouth hanging open. They appear to be staring past me. A sinking feeling invades my stomach as I twist slowly round.

My eyes come to rest on the Maestro first. He looks livid, as always. Behind him, Luke appears vaguely amused. He is quick to interject. ‘Excuse me, but I think you’ll find there’s nothing hairy about me.’

Some polite coughing alerts me to some shocked yet familiar faces who I slowly recognise as famous Royal figures, and finally, my eyes are drawn to a scruffy-looking man who leaps towards me with a microphone in his hand.

He thrusts it towards me. ‘So, you’re admitting that you’d like to … did you say milk the Count like a cow?’ He is doing air quotes with his fingers. ‘Is that a sexual reference? Does he wear a costume when you do the milking? Do yousit on a stool? Are you two having an affair? How long has it been going on?’

Fuck me.

It only took the Maestro to shriek, ‘Get her out of my sight!’ for the entire backstage area to empty as though a nuclear warning had sounded. Dolly grabbed my arm and whisked me away before I had time to set the journalist straight. Half an hour later, the whole ensemble is crowded into the hotel bar for a nightcap. Tomorrow morning, we will set off for a 3-night run in York, and Dolly has ordered everyone to have an early night. Especially me. They all think I have caused enough trouble for one day.

‘I’m so, so sorry.’ I have been apologising non-stop to Luke since we arrived back at the hotel. I can only imagine the dreadful headlines.

‘These things happen,’ he says. He still has a dangerous sparkle in his eye, as though he is thoroughly enjoying the attention but doesn’t want anyone to know it. ‘The Royals have heard worse, believe me.’

‘And I didn’t mean to say…’That your schlong is big and hairy. I mean, how would I know?

‘Don’t worry about it. It’ll allblow over.’ He starts laughing. ‘No pun intended.’

Oh my fucking word.He thinks I want to blow him like a trumpet.I don’t! I don’t!

My eyes are popping out of my head.How do I explain? How?A hot flush envelops me as I face the other way.

‘It’s sweet how embarrassed you are,’ he says. ‘I’m just joking around. Take no notice. I know exactly what those chorus girls are like.’

‘Thanks,’ I mumble.

I should mention that I am with Matteo, and I’m simply not interested in him that way. Who would be, with Matteo waiting for me in LA? Gorgeous Matteo. I know we have only been together for a week, and under any other circumstances, perhaps if I was single, I might be attracted to Luke, but right here and now, I only have eyes for one hot guy at a time, and that’s Matteo.

‘I would hate for you to get the wrong idea. Especially when I have a commitment to…’

Luke cuts me off. ‘Forget it. Even if you did have a crush on me, I’d —’

‘I don’t!’

‘But even if you did, it would be okay, really. I’m used to it.’ Luke pantomime winks at me.

‘But Idon’t. I absolutely don’t.’

Luke smiles maddeningly. He blinks slowly while he relaxes further into his seat, oozing self-confidence. ‘Okay. I’m sure you don’t. But even if…’

Gah!This conversation is going nowhere. I throw my hands in the air. ‘Goodnight!’

I swirl round and stomp over to the lifts in the reception area and start jabbing at the buttons. My heart is thumping out of my chest. I’m both infuriated with him, and at the same time, mortified that he thinks I fancy him. I don’t!

Jab. Jab. Jab.

He’s insufferable.

Jab. Jab. Jab.

He’s arrogant.

Jab. Jab. Jab.

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