Page 52 of Benidorm Again

‘Thank you,’ he says curtly.

I’m dying to tell him that I get it now. I get why I need to follow his lead. How he is the golden thread that weaves between the musicians and the choir and me. He creates the synergy; he creates one beautifully orchestrated sound. I’m only one part of a much bigger picture.

Oooh.That would make a great speech. I open my mouth to tell him of my new-found wisdom, but I am met with a knowing look.

He raises his hand to stop me talking. He has seen the penny drop with a thousand singers. He arches a stern eyebrow as if to say, ‘About bloody time!’ and walks off to his dressing room.

I am immediately surrounded by The Dollz.

‘Eeeh, Connie, babes, that was proper mint. It really was.’

‘Thanks, Liberty,’ I say, giving her a quick hug.

‘You totally stole the show, pet, although you’re still a bit wooden. Would it kill you to move your hips?’

‘I’ll try, Cherry. I’ll try.’ I will absolutely not try, and she knows it. Cherry gives me a pat on the shoulder because she’s not a hugger. She even struggles to hug her own children because they are always so sticky. She has confided that her daughter has a permanent runny nose, and every time she spots it dribbling to her lips, it makes Cherry gag. Her thinning husband has accused Cherry of causing attachment issues.

Tash has brought Sister Kevin along. She is hoping to get some clarity around whether their weeks-old relationship is exclusive or not. I clocked him coming in late after the interval and them doing tongues throughout the performance. Tash’s lips are swollen as though someone has stuck a couple of pink bananas on her face. Or it could be filler.But at least her ankle has returned to its original girth, and she can comfortably get back into her six-inch stilettos.

‘We thought you were the best by a mile,’ she says loudly, just as the chorus girls pass by. She stops to eyeball them. ‘That stuck-up lot can’t sing for toffee.’

I can’t help but smile. The Dollz have an unsubstantiated theory that the chorus girls are behind the tabloid leaks and have been selling their stories to the press out of jealousy.

‘It’s Kev’s first time doing classical, isn’t it?’ Tash gushes. ‘He hates anything like this usually. I mean, who doesn’t, but he says he’ll do anything for me. Especially now that we’ve agreed to change our relationship status on Facebook,’ she says, sounding almost shy.

Sister Kevin, even though he has been put on the spot, is grinning down at Tash. He doesn’t even look as though he’s listening to a word she is saying. He has the same glassy-eyed, loved-up expression she has.

‘Where are Big Mand and Sue?’ I ask, scanning the room for them.

‘With your dad and Madge. Big Sue is advising him on how to regain his facial movements with an electric toothbrush. Same thing happened to her once.’

‘Luke’s dead fit mind. For a weird opera-type I mean,’ says Liberty.

‘Yeah. If I wasn’t so dry downthere at the moment, I’d probably do him,’ adds Cherry.

‘And if you weren’t so married,’ I remind her. Sometimes, I think she forgets that she is happily married with two children.

‘He looks like he would give good head,’ says Liberty to Cherry, as though the rest of us weren’t here. ‘His tongue looks massive when he sings.’

There’s a loud ‘AHEM’ as we see Luke hovering nearby.

Christ Almighty.

‘I wondered if I could have a word,’ he says to me. ‘In private.’

Tash steps in front of me. ‘No, you can’t.’

Luke tries to get past her, but muscle-mountain, Sister Kevin, steps in the way, followed by Cherry and Liberty. Although I can see Liberty is blatantly eyeing him up and down like a lioness eyeing a gazelle. She’s even licking her lips.

Luke swivels on his heel and walks away.

They all turn to me.

‘We’ve got your back, pet. Now, let’s get to your dressing room to freshen up. We’re all out on the hoy tonight to celebrate.’

Dear God, no.

Eventhough I am completely shattered, Saturday night post-show finds us all in super high spirits. I can barely walk in my too-high, strappy sandals and short playsuit. I am still nicely tanned from our week away in Benidorm and the girls are similarly dressed and in full flow.

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