Page 72 of Benidorm Again

She is horrified. ‘No! Not here!’

I don’t understand. ‘Why not here? They have great chemists in Spain.’

She shakes her head. ‘No. No way. Not here.’

‘I could go and get you a test right now,’ I say gently. ‘I’ll even wait with you. You can do it here. In the bathroom.’

Once you’ve cleared a paththrough your own vomit.

She smiles thinly. ‘Thanks, but I’ll have to wait until Vegas.’

‘Why?’

She sighs elaborately. ‘Because if I do the test here, then I’ll have to call my baby Beni or Benners, won’t I? And I specifically told you I want to call it Vegas. Or Casino Royale.’

‘Right. Right. Yes. Of course.’She is fucking insane.‘Makes sense.’

‘You best get that mop because I was drinking Bloody Valentines last night, and they tend to stain. Plus, I had extra chilli and garlic sauce on my kebab this morning. I imagine that’ll be tough to get off the blinds.’

I try not to think of the hellhole she has made of my pristine bathroom. ‘Why are you drinking when you think you’re pregnant?’

‘I didn’t think I was until five minutes after I threw up. By the way, get some stepladders while you’re down there and a hose. For the ceiling.’

‘What?’ I say aghast.

Tash swings her legs off the sofa. ‘Perhaps you’re right. I should go sleep this off at the villa. We have that big gig tonight at the Benidorm Palace.’

She’s going toleave me to clean up her vomit.Shitting hell.It’s like history repeating itself all over again. But if she doesn’t go then Cherry is stuck on the roof terrace. It’s a lose-lose.

‘Fine,’ I say through gritted teeth. ‘I’ll swing by later to see how you are doing. Leave the bathroom to me.’

Tash softens. ‘Thank you, Connie. You’re a real friend. Please don’t tell anyone about the baby.’ Garlicky fumes mixed with rancid alcohol burn my eyeballs.

‘It might not be a baby. It could be a food baby.’

‘Christ, what if they call it the Knee Trembler? Remember our last night in Benidorm, when I disappeared with Kev for twenty minutes?’

I can’t but whatever….

‘We were in The Knee Trembler doing it over the beer barrels out the back. No, I just couldn’t….’ Her hand flies to her forehead. She tears up. ‘I just couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. That’s no name for a baby.’

Yep. She’s still drunk.Tash throws herself into my arms, enveloping me in a waft of kebab meat. ‘You’re the best.’

I watch her pick her way down the stairs before closing the door.

‘She’s fucking pregnant?’ Cherry yells. ‘And drinking? How irresponsible.’

Wetake a second to let this land. Cherry looks like she has just emerged from a collapsed building. She stinks of stale booze. She has a vape pen behind her ear and mascara down to her chin.

She sniffs the air and retches. ‘It smells like she’s shat over a bed of rotting garlic.’ She retches a bit more.

‘Quick get to the bath —’ I yell but it’s too late. Cherry leans over and throws up in my lovely potted plant.

‘Sorry,’ she says, wiping her mouth on her sleeve. ‘I’ll have to get back to the villa.’

‘But what about the…’

Cherry pauses at the door. ‘And not a word to anyone about the baby.’

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