Page 73 of Benidorm Again

‘Which one?’ I say, not entirely impressed that I’m being left to mop up after these two.

Again.

Chapter 26

Two bloody hours later, having borrowed a mop, bucket and two bottles of heavy-duty cleaning spray from downstairs, my bathroom is back to being pristine. Except for a blue stain on the ceiling that I fear will need painting over. It looked like a scene from the Exorcist.

I’ve had to have three showers just to remove the smell of it all from my skin and nostrils. I also left a voicemail for Matteo saying to call me with theimportant news. But I have yet to hear anything back. I take a deep breath in as I head over to the villa to offer an olive branch to Ged and Liam who have still not replied to my WhatsApp about what everyone is up to this morning. I’m going in my Lycras with the intention of asking them to go jogging along the beach.

My suspicions are immediately aroused when I arrive at the villa to find it deathly quiet. I let myself in the gate and wander round to the pool area. It is empty. There’s aloud snoring from an upstairs bedroom that I take to be Tash or Cherry, but there’s no sign of Big Mand or Big Sue or Liberty. I slide the doors open and go into the kitchen. Nothing. No signs of life or anyone having eaten, or anyone having thrown up.

I head back to the pool area and slide round by the hot tub. An instant flashback of Matteo and I making out in it sears my brain, causing an involuntary twinge of excitement. In three days, we will be face to face. I’m so nervous and excited to see him. I just wish I knew what he was trying to tell me. As if he has sensed my worry, my phone pings. Matteo has messaged to say that he is sorry he missed me again. Things are so hectic there. He will try again later today. He has ended with a message in Spanish saying he is counting down the days and calling me Cenicienta. Butterflies tingle in my stomach as a smile spreads across my face.

I unlatch the hidden gate to the honeymoon villa quietly and marvel at how well concealed it is. The white walls round the pool appear seamless until you look from a certain angle and see there is a break in it. There’s a white gate arched with pink blossom that leads to the luxurious villa that Ged and Liam are staying in.

I pick my way along the path, picturing that first night when Matteo ran me over on his moped and stayed over tomake sure I was okay. I knock gently on the door, and it swings open. At least they are home.

I sweep my gaze around the room. There’s the kitchenette where Matteo frightened the life out of me when I thought he’d gone home but he just went to get pizza. The bathroom where he took a shower completely naked because he was covered in Fanta. I laugh at how he told me many times that he wasn’t sexually attracted to me and that I was quite safe, and how disappointed I felt. How we ended up talking all night and confiding in each other. I remember me becoming lost in his eyes. Whirlpools of darkness and worldliness. He was the perfect gentleman that evening. So caring, so…

‘WHAT THE ACTUAL…? I hear Ged shriek at the same time Liam screams.

I snap to attention, immediately joining in the screaming. I don’t know where to look.

‘Hide your eyes!’ bellows Ged. ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE. LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY WOMAN!’

‘I’m trying to!’ I say, but my eyes are glued to the scene as though I’m witnessing some horrific natural disaster, like an avalanche hurtling towards me or a major tectonic plate opening up to swallow an entire city.

‘CONNIE. CLOSE YOUR EYES!’

I clamp them shut and instinctively hold out my palms to steady myself. ‘What is happening? What did I just see? I don’t understand.’

Images swim before me of my best friends standing like naked Vitruvian men in the garden, covered in a substance, not unlike a glossy wood stain for garden fencing. Whatever it was, steam was rising from them.

‘Who did this to you? Were you held hostage? What happened?’

There’s a silence.

‘TikTok made us do it,’ I hear Liam say in a low voice.

I’m still swinging my arms in front of me as I walk carefully towards his voice. ‘Sorry. Who?’

‘It’s a new hack,’ says Ged. ‘It’s tan accelerator. For the pre-moon.’ As though it needs any explanation. ‘We have to stand here for six hours and then wash it off.’

‘Six hours?’

‘Yes. You get a tan equivalent to a whole year but in only six hours.’

‘An all-over tan by the looks of things,’ I say from behind closed eyelids. ‘Are you sure that stuff is safe?’

‘Of course it is. It’s off TikTok. Anyway, we’re only three hours in so we can’t go anywhere as it dries rockhard, but would you be a love and bring us something to eat, please? We’re starving.’

I hurry to the kitchenette to make sandwiches for them and see the pot of treacle-like substance dripping onto the bench. I wipe up the spills and notice it stains the teacloth immediately. I can see where they’ve brushed past the fridge on their way out to the garden. I wipe that up too and follow a trail along the wall by the table.

I take a sharp breath.

The Ken and Barbie costumes are piled high on the table. Either Ged or Liam has accidentally bumped against them causing some dark brown staining against the white and pink fabrics. My stomach drops. I’m sure it will rub off or wash out.

‘Guys,’ I say, taking hastily made cheese salad rolls out to them with a hand over my eyes. ‘Are you sure about the tan treatments because it has dripped all over and has left stains everywhere. It’s definitely six hours, is it? Not six minutes?’

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