Page 76 of Benidorm Again

‘Matty told me you were very talented, but he didn’t tell me how gorgeous you are,’ she says, licking her lips playfully. ‘He better watch out. I’m an insufferable sapiosexual.’

I have no idea what she means but she appears to be flirting with me. Matteo shoves her out of the way, rolls his eyes and gives me an embarrassed look before we get cut off, and the screen goes blank.

I have never felt so disheartened. Just in time for rehearsals.

Anhour later, we are standing backstage. Big Sue and Big Mand have become leading authorities on different types of sexuality.

‘She’s attracted to brains and talent,’ Big Sue is explaining. ‘She doesn’t care for gender. She’s after you for your looksandyour mind.’

‘Oh. And I suppose therefore, she could be after Matteo for his enormous talent and brain too?’ I say sadly.

Big Mand laughs. ‘I’m not sure it’s his ENORMOUS brain she’s after.’

This causes a ripple of laughter from The Dollz.

‘Don’t worry Connie, pet. French women might have all the sex appeal, but they have no sense of humour, and they all have flat chests,’ Tash says knowingly to the nodding heads around her.

‘And we will show you how to weaponise your sexuality in time for Vegas,’ offers Big Mand.

‘Enough of that, let’s get out there and show Benidorm Palace how lucky they are to have us,’ says Liberty, hurrying us along.

I put all thoughts of what’s NOT going onbetween Matteo and Birdie right out of my mind and peek through the stage curtain to see Ged and Liam in the front row at a table set for two. They have turned up looking a worrying shade of burnt orange. I bite my lips to refrain from laughing. I best get it over with now, otherwise they’ll have a hissy fit if any of us pretend not to notice.

‘What? Who have you seen?’ Liberty says, grabbing the curtain and peering out across the crowd. ‘Fuck me.’ She fixes us with wide eyes. ‘Ged and Liam have gone the colour of turmeric.’ She bursts out laughing. ‘They’ll be the only yellow Kens in Vegas.’

The Dollz take turns to peer at them.

‘Shit the fucking bed,’ whispers Tash. ‘That’s so bad.’

‘They look severely jaundiced. I’m surprised no one has called the emergency doctor. They need some vitamin K.’ Big Mand puts a fist to her mouth. ‘K for Kenergy. Get it? Kenergy.’

We all stifle our giggles in case they can hear us. It’s the first time we have shared a laugh since we got here. It feels nice. And I’m sure I’ll be able to find something to rub that tan off with.

‘Group hug,’ Big Sue commands as we all gather together. ‘Let’s give them a show they’ll never forget.’

Finally, we all seem to be in the right headspace. It’s showtime.

It isn’t until halfway through their set, that the first hiccup occurs. I’m busy watching The Dollz from the side of the stage. They are nailing the complex choreography. They look and sound amazing. The crowd is joining in with every song and watching their every move. Then Liberty, who has been on fire since we arrived, belts out the midpoint banger as though she is Mariah Carey circa 1994 and makes the mistake of pointing into the crowd. I see the rest of The Dollz follow her gaze, and one by one their faces drop. I crane my neck around to see who has caught her attention.

Luke is sitting down at the back. Staff are fussing over him, and they have given him a whole table to himself.

Shitting, shitting hell.

Chapter 27

I watch as The Dollz struggle to keep formation. They are furious with Liberty, who not only tries to out-sing everyone, but she is routinely positioning herself at the front so that Luke can get a good view of her. I slide my eyes over to him. He casually picks up the menu, perusing it with increasing abject terror. He’s eyeing his surroundings with bewilderment. The waiter is bringing him a bottle of wine and he is politely waving him away.

My whole being sinks at the thought of going on stage and singing in front of him, which is ridiculous because we’ve spent the last week performing an inch from each other’s noses. I take a few deep breaths in as The Dollz wrap up their set.

Why would Luke be here?

The last hour has been a bit much, what with Matteo ringing and Birdie practically hanging off him while I did my less than impressive leg wafting thing. What an epic fail.Ged and Liam have turned up as a pair of Oompa Loompas, and now Luke, the last man on Earth that I would want to see, is sitting waiting for me to entertain him with my eighties and nineties cheap covers.

I bitterly regret telling him I was coming to Benidorm.

‘He better not be stalking you,’ barks Big Sue, snapping me from my thoughts, as The Dollz run off stage. ‘Did you see him sitting there, clicking his fingers for the waiters to come running. Posh bastard.’

The Dollz rally round.

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