Page 82 of Benidorm Again

‘I know that now, don’t I?’ says Ged. ‘It was an accident. Anyway, they are soooo a couple. A blind man could see it. They vibe off each other the same way we do. We had a great day.’

‘Did you see them being a couple? As in kissing or anything?’

‘No.’

‘Well then, you have to assume that they’re just good friends.’

‘Are you mansplaining being gay to us? You’re not even a man or gay! And they are not just good friends. Why are they making a huge deal out of this? We’ve said sorry,’ Liam says. ‘What more can we do?’

‘We need them to come over so that you can explain face to face and apologise,’ I say.

‘We’ve done that already. We went straight over as soon as Big Sue WhatsApped. And they won’t accept our apology no matter what we say,’ Ged moans. ‘We told them it was an honest mistake. We’d never intentionally out anyone.’

‘Wait. I have an idea.’ I message the group and say we need an emergency meeting in their kitchen immediately. It’s to do with the Ken and Barbie costumes. Fortunately for me, it’s actually true.

It takes five minutes for everyone to scramble into the kitchen. Ged, Liam and I are sitting round the giant kitchen table waiting for them. The pile of newly altered clothes that Cherry has been working on is neatly laid out. I have added the new outfits that I picked up today.

Once everyone has arrived, we sit for a moment, peering at each other.

‘Let me address the elephant in the room,’ I offer.

‘Which one?’ says Liberty coming in last. She is giving me a stern look.

‘Yes, which elephant would that be?’ says Big Sue, sounding very angry. She throws a heated glance across to Ged and Liam. It creates an immediate frosty atmosphere. Big Sue, although something of a giantess, is also the voice of reason. Without her on side, I dread to think how we’ll get through this.

‘Where have you been?’ I gasp, staring at Liberty. ‘We were worried sick.’

‘Were you?’ she asks, arms folded. ‘Did any of you ring the police because you were so worried?’

Ah.She has a valid point. We all take a moment to inspect the table, the floor, our nails.

‘I don’t care which elephant it is, but could you address it quickly, please?’ says Tash, the awkwardness seemingly going right over her head. ‘Sister Kevin will be arriving any second now. And please, don’t forget, none of you are to mention Las Vegas. I don’t want you ruining his BIG birthdaysurprise.’

Liam breaks from Big Sue’s death stare to roll his eyes at Ged. ‘It’s like she’s forgotten the whole reason for the trip.’

‘Touché,’ I say without thinking.

‘That’s what Luke says,’ Liberty is quick to pounce. She picks up the few items that I managed to buy. ‘Do you mind telling us all what you’ve been doing all afternoon? Instead of shopping for costumes?’

It is my turn to be stared at.

‘Nothing. I mean, I bumped into Luke. It was a chance encounter. He apologised. He left. And I continued shopping.’

‘Walk us through this chance encounter,’ says Ged. ‘I’d like to know what was more important than our outfits for Vegas.’ He has gone full bridezilla in the wake of the Big Sue/Big Mand disaster. He is projecting.

I try my best to explain but it is having a negative effect on the group as they begin rifling through the poor assortment of costumes that I was able to get hold of at short notice. Suddenly, it’s as though the ‘accidental gay outing’, ‘the accidental hijacking of the pre-moon for a BIG birthday surprise’, the ‘accidental lying about inviting the count over to Benidorm for career purposes’ and the ‘two secret accidental pregnancies’ are yesterday’s news. Suddenly, the poor selectionof Ken and Barbie outfits is the most upsetting issue. And I’m to blame.

‘It was all they had. At least it’s pink,’ I say, trying to soothe a horrified Liam as he holds up the outfit I got for him.

‘RYAN GOSLING DID NOT TURN UP TO THE OSCARS IN A HOT PINK SPANDEX ONESIE!’ Liam cries. ‘DID HE?’

He’s right. The onesie isn’t quite the sophisticated, glittery pink two-piece suit, but it was all they had at the warehouse in Barbie pink for a man his size.

‘You’ll still look hot to me,’ says Ged earnestly. That’s true love for you. Liam will look like a raw hotdog. And we all know it.

‘Telling white lies to your partner is one thing,’ blurts Big Mand. ‘But telling the whole world things that blatantly aren’t true, is quite another.’ She looks at Big Sue and we all fall silent. Instead of agreeing, Big Sue’s eyes fill with tears. She gets up from the table and races up to her room. Big Mand looks crushed.

PING. ‘That’s Sister Kevin. He’s at the gate. I think I’ll just take him straight to my room. I’ll meet you at Voices for Bongos Bingo.’ Tash dashes off, leaving the rest of us to stare at the pile of clothes in stony silence.

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