Page 85 of Benidorm Again

‘Yeah. I thought it was too long for me,’ I say hitching it up. I take a look at the kitchen table but all of the wigs, the dresses, accessories and the shoes have gone. I am also desperate not to divulge what happened at Voices last night. ‘I wonder where everything is.’

‘Ged, my darling, are you wearing my Oscars Ken costume because I think I’ve picked up a Barbie one by mistake.’

Liam emerges through the patio doors dressed in the Barbie travel outfit. He is wearing a pair of tight-fitting hot pink trousers that have laced-up sides and pink patterned floral flares from the knee. A pink waistcoat just about fitsacross his torso, revealing toned arms that are a ridiculous shade of deep mustard (to match the rest of his face and body). He is wearing a neckerchief and a pink Stetson with a picture of himself kissing Ged. It looks amazing. He lifts up a flare to reveal white cowboy boots, earning him a wolf whistle from his fiancé.

‘You scrub up well yourself, babes,’ Liam says, eyeing Ged up and down. He has opted to travel in his Cowboy Ken outfit. He is head to toe in black with elaborate white fringing on the shirt, white cowboy boots and a white Stetson with a picture of him kissing Liam on the front. Together, they both look adorable.

‘I’m keeping the neon paint splash Lycra outfit for when we go roller skating. So we can be twinsies,’ says Liam. ‘Connie, did you manage to pick up the yellow kneepads? They were on the list.’

This is the first I’m hearing of a desire to go roller skating. I hide my shock, thankful that we have successfully skirted over the issue of how last night went, and scramble to check my bag for the shopping list from yesterday.Feck.There it is clear as day. I’ll have to pick some up in Vegas. There’s bound to be a sports shop somewhere.

‘Connie, I think you might have Big Sue’s dress on, love,’ Liam says, looking me over. ‘Great platform sandals. They are massive. Cherry puts such great costumes together.’

‘Thanks, you guys,’ says Cherry, coming down the stairs looking fabulous in a correctly fitting Barbie outfit. She has opted to keep her flaming red hair as it complements the colour scheme and has put it up into a high ponytail with a heavy fringe. Her make-up is flawless. Huge black flicky eyeliner, thick lashes, hot pink lips and lots of blusher. Her dark circles are nowhere to be seen. Her neat waist looks even tinier in the bum-skimming pink gingham dress as it swishes provocatively towards us. The white netting underneath provides maximum volume and bounce. She has opted for white knee-high socks with her platform sandals. She looks incredible. Only the sadness in her eye gives her away.

She shakes her head at us. ‘Nope. This is all wrong.’ She rubs her temples. ‘Sorry guys, I must have mixed everything up. I don’t know what’s got into me lately.’ She flicks me a look that suggests otherwise.

‘I know! I could wear the double denim shorts and waistcoat,’ suggests Liam, dragging Ged off to help him. ‘I’ll go get changed.’

Oh no.

Liamhas an awful brown creosote streak across his backside. Cherry is about to call out to him, but I shush her. ‘There’s no time now. Our flight is in three hours. I’ll get the stain off when we get to Vegas.’

‘Okay,’ she agrees. ‘We’ll do that. Hopefully, he’s only shat himself. If it’s that fake tan we’re screwed.’

I blink slowly. It’s like a different world sometimes.

Cherry and I stand alone, facing each other across the table. She looks so vulnerable for a woman who is always so hard and prickly. ‘Do you want to come outside and talk?’ I ask her. She hesitates for a moment before nodding. We walk round the pool to the farthest spot and sit down on the luxurious sunbeds, under the shade of a large white canvas parasol.

I wait quietly not wanting to pressure her. Today is going to be fraught enough without Cherry going to pieces. She chews her nails as she stares into the pool. The sunshine is shimmering on the water in small rhythmic waves. I have no idea how nerve-wracking it must be to bring a new life into the world.

‘I’m not sure who the father is,’ she says, putting another finger to her lips.

Chew. Chew.Chew.

‘Well, actually, I think I do know who the father is. I’m just not sure how it will work.’

‘Oh. I see. Your husband isn’t the baby’s father?’ I must, must, must find out his name. I’m too embarrassed to ask Cherry. I’ll ask Tash when she comes downstairs.

Her eyes fill with tears as she shakes her head.

‘And you think you know who the father is?’ I say gently. I’d hate for it to sound rude. Like she’s having to narrow the field.

A single tear spills from her perfectly made-up eyes and rolls down her cheek. ‘Yes,’ she whispers. ‘It’s…’

The sliding open of the patio doors alerts us to the arrival of Big Mand. She looks furious. ‘Is this some kind of fucking joke?’ She stands in the doorway wearing the world’s tiniest gingham dress. It is so short it doesn’t even cover her knickers, and the bib top only covers one boob. Thankfully, she is wearing a pink bra, but the overall effect is comical. The tights are too short, so the gusset is hanging low. The wig and the shoes are the only things that fit correctly. She stands with her hands on her hips, sweeping an angry gaze around the pool until she lands on us. Her eyebrows are knitted together underneath the thick white-blonde fringe. Like mine, her Barbie wig is a high ponytail. It swishes forcefully as she stomps over to us.

‘Get in line,’ Big Sue barks from the bedroom window. ‘Whose idea was it to put me in a Ken outfit? Is this to do with yesterday? Well, I’m telling you now, it’s NOT fucking funny!’ Big Sue, wearing what looks like a big, shaggy white overcoat and a huge gold medallion hanging from her neck, pulls the window closed with a slam.

‘Oh dear,’ I say. ‘There’s obviously been a mix-up with the costumes. I think I know what’s happened.’

It was Ged and bloody Liam and that tin of TikTok creosote. They’ve stained the outfits, mixed them up and now no one is wearing the right outfit for travelling today.

‘It’s me,’ blurts Cherry. ‘I must have mixed them up. I don’t know how it’s happened, but I’ll sort it.’

‘No,’ I say. ‘It wasn’t you. It was…’Oh God.Big Mand and Big Sue are furious enough with Ged and Liam as it is. I have very little hope of repairing the damage before we set off for the airport. ‘It was me.’

Cherry gives me a relieved look. ‘Thanks, hun, but you don’t need to cover for me.’

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