Page 86 of Benidorm Again

‘I’m not wearing this,’ yells Liberty, appearing from nowhere. ‘It’s like wearing a bloody twenty-man pop-up tent. Mandeep. I think we’ve got each other’s costumes on.’

Big Mand swings around and immediately takes the hump. ‘Are you saying I’m a fatcow?’

‘How do you know it’s not mine?’ I ask quickly. ‘In fact, it looks like it’s my size. Here, Liberty, swap with me.’

Cherry shakes her head at me. ‘It won’t work. Just let them scrap it out.’

Before either of them can come to blows, Nacho strolls round the corner wearing nothing but a small pair of swimming shorts and a smile. He stops everyone in their tracks. He is so handsome that it causes a soothing wave of calm to ripple out across the patio. He is like a walking meditation gong. Liberty is first to react. She races over to kiss him on both cheeks. He pats her on the butt and winks at her. I think we now know where she has been disappearing off to.

I feel Cherry bristle beside me. ‘Look at her. Cheap tramp. Leave him alone.’

I feel my eyes widen with shock. I’m not the only one. Big Mand is standing with her mouth gaping open. Nacho’s eyebrows are high on his forehead.

Liberty spins slowly round to face Cherry. ‘Excuse me? What did you say?’

Oh God. Why is everyone falling apart? Why are they all fighting over every tiny thing?

Cherry stands up. ‘I said leave him alone.’

‘What’s it got to do with you?’ Liberty says loudly.

The patio door swishes open. Big Sue is standing, a menacing expression on her face. She is taking up the entire frame. Tash pushes out past her and stands watching the showdown. Sister Kevin yawns, standing next to her in a double denim shorts and waistcoat that are two sizes too small.

‘That’s where it is!’ yells Liam from the far end of the pool. ‘Ged honey. I’ve found it. Sister Kev is wearing my Beach Ken travel outfit. What’s going on?’

Ged joins Liam as they stand watching the scene from the secret entrance to their romantic hideaway annexe. All of us are staring at Liberty, who is staring at Cherry, who is staring at Nacho.

‘Nacho and I happen to have a thing going on,’ says Liberty, licking her lips provocatively.

‘What sort of thing?’ asks Cherry, sounding equally catty.

‘None of your business,’ replies Liberty, slinging an arm around Nacho’s shoulders as though he’s her property.

It’s all very playgroundy.

‘Well, itismy business because…‘ Cherry nervously twists her hands round and round. ‘Because he’s my baby-daddy.’

You can hear a pin drop.

Liberty’s face falls a hundred feet while Nacho is still grinning away. He has not understood what Cherry hassaid. He thinks two hot gorgeous babes are fighting jealously over him, because that’s his normal.

I clear my throat and explain to Nacho in rudimentary Spanish that Cherry is with child. His child.

Nacho goes deathly white. His eyes become like saucers, and his lip begins to tremble.

Sister Kevin is the first to break the silence. ‘Oh man. I can’t imagine how gutted he must be. Imagine some chick you hardly know traps you into fatherhood. That’s his whole life ruined. Poor guy.’

Tash’s jaw drops open as her hand flies to her mouth. She lets out a small squeak, and races as fast as she can in giant platform sandals and a skintight Barbie dress, back into the villa.

Clop. Clop. Clop. She pushes past Big Sue, and we hear the angry slap of her shoes up the marble stairs and a door slamming. Followed by a bloodcurdling scream.

Sister Kevin appears genuinely confused. ‘What? What did I say?’

‘Cherry? Is this true?’ asks Nacho, his voice breaking.

Cherry nods glumly, too upset to speak.

Oh. My. God.

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