Page 13 of Girls Just Want to Have Sun

‘As in the dips?’

‘Not dips. He means the triangle-shaped crisps, babes.’

‘Doritos?’

After much bickering, Nacho concedes that the ladies can call him Enreeky if they want to. There’s a definite whiff of pheromones in the air to accompany the stronger whiff of stale tequila, and although they barely know him, I suspect he could sleep with any one of them he wants.

‘You’re gorgeous. Totally fucking unbelievably fit.Toofit if anything,’ Tash tells him.

‘I will definitely do you, Enreeky, pet. Just say which,’ says Liberty boldly.

‘Don’t you meanwhen, love?’ says Big Mand.

‘No.’

‘Cherry, you’re married so that’s you out,’ says Tash, swiftly eliminating the competition.

‘Cheeky cow. Don’t listen to her, Enreeky, pet. I am definitelyin.’

‘I am heartbroken, remember?’ says Liberty. ‘I should have first go on him. To get over Mehmet. Then the rest of you can have him.’

Ah yes.Liberty’s harrowing account of her two-week affair with a married barman comes back to me.

‘Pointless. He’ll be ruined after that,’ Cherry declares.

Nacho seems, understandably in my view, a little apprehensive. We make brief eye contact as I hastily introduce us in crude Spanish.

‘Ask him if he’s gorra massive cock. You know, with your A level Spanish and that,’ asks Tash.

There’s no bloody way I’m asking him that. It would demean the both of us and make him feel like a piece of meat. If I’m anything at all, I’m about respect and equality between the sexes.

‘Connie, for eff’s sake! Just ask him!’

I swallow anxiously. Five pairs of eyes bore into me. ‘Erm…perdona, Señor Nacho, tienes un gran…erm… zanahoria?’

I’ve had to ask if he has a big carrot because we didn’t cover the word for cock or fanny flutters in the A level syllabus. To my relief, he laughs and ignores the question, which seems to keep the girls happy.

For now, that is.

Even I can feel the sexual tension building. Everyone is unreasonably assuming that he has a huge one, or ‘a clit destroyer’ as Liberty is calling it, and he’ll be putting it proudly on display after he has shown us the villa. The group surges forward, keen to get the tour over with.

5

Nacho opens the big white entrance gate, and we follow too closely behind him into a glorious courtyard, paved in terracotta tiles and dotted with enormous palm trees. It is stunning. We all coo as we trot through the double-width front door, which opens on to a large entrance hall and a sweeping staircase, bathed in colourful light from the huge stained-glass window at the top. There are two large archways either side of the hall, one leading to an American-style kitchen-diner and the other to a spacious all-white lounge, with a glossy white grand piano at the centre.

‘The acoustics in here will be perfect for practising scales and vocal warm-ups,’ I say.

I am met with blank stares. Nacho quickly ushers us out to a twinkling, kidney-shaped swimming pool surrounded by expensive wooden sunbeds with thick white mattresses, matching parasols and even a brick BBQ and pizza oven over in the corner. It resembles something out of a magazine. I’m amazed that Nancy has sprung for this, until I remember it was meant for Ted Sheeran. The most popular tribute act on the whole Costa Blanca.

‘Good job this place is so private because I’ll have to sunbathe nude.’ Liberty gives Nacho a hefty pantomime wink. ‘My stage costumes are very demanding. I can’t risk any tan lines.’

‘We are going to havesucha great time!’ Tash screams.

For the first time, helped by a belated rush to the head of whatever was in that last cocktail (two kilos of raw sugar cane and fourteen shots of vodka, I suspect), I think she might be right.

Nacho explains that there are three exceptionally large and luxurious double rooms upstairs, two with en suites. I hesitate. It’ll seem a bit weird sharing a room. I’ll feel self-conscious doing my tongue trills and lip bubble routine in front of anyone, and I’m not sure I could take their constant bursting into dance routines every five minutes. I need a moment of calm to meditate too, and I like to do a full humming chant. I quickly try to convince myself that perhaps the Dollz will be able to learn from me as much as I will from them.

Nacho leads the way as Big Sue effortlessly sweeps Tash up into her muscular arms to carry her up the marble staircase.

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