Page 3 of Girls Just Want to Have Sun

‘Erm, I’d definitely say I’m more of a musical experience.’

‘Oh?’

Please refrain from talking.

‘I mean, I take my audience on a journey. Of enlightenment.’

Jesus Christ.

‘We just need a singer to do covers. Is that you or not?’ She’s beginning to sound annoyed. I confirm that singing is what I do best, and she proceeds to give me all the necessary information before hanging up.

A short while later, Ged and Liam wander through, dressed in their outlandishly skimpy jogging gear, to see why I’ve suddenly gone so quiet. I can’t move. My mouth is gaping open.

‘I’m going to Spain. To perform in clubs. I’ll be on stage in Benidorm for a whole week,’ I say dazedly, barely able to take it in.

‘Benidorm as in the party capital of the Costa Blanca?’ asks Ged.

‘Benidorm as in where all the drunks go to holiday hard?’ supplies Liam.

My voice is barely a whisper. ‘I have to meet my support band at Newcastle Airport to fly over to Alicante together. I’m replacing Ted Sheeran.’ I crumple to the floor while the boys leap about excitedly. There’s a huge knot of anxiety twisting around in my stomach. ‘Oh God. Talk about a fish out of water.’ I bury my face in my hands.I’m a moronic fool. An imposter. An impulsive charlatan.‘The flight leaves first thing tomorrow morning. What have I done?’

You’ve oversold yourself. That’s what you’ve done.

Moments later, we’re flicking through images of my new support band on Ged’s phone. ‘I love them,’ Ged says. ‘I mean, “The Dollz”, can you believe it? Love the name, love the outfits, love the tribute vibe. It’s so Benidorm.’

‘Look at them singing and doing upside-down splits at the same time. They have a lot of complex choreography going on,’ Liam says, browsing through the video clips of the lead singer exuberantly twerking her huge thigh gap an inch from an audience member’s nose. ‘Christ, they’re amazing. Absolutely stunning.’

‘How do I follow that?’ I wail, panicking. I could never imagine an occasion where I’d need to wave my thigh gap in anyone’s face. ‘I’ll be booed off stage if that’s what they’re expecting. I mean, I’m classically trained, for fuck’s sake.’ I hear an ugly hint of indignation creeping into my voice. ‘I take my audience on a musical voyage. I give them a feeling of deep connection, human depth, tortured souls. I prefer my audience to leave having learnt something. Surely that’s got to count for more than flashing my knickers and singing cheap covers at them?’

‘They have Instagram down to a fine art,’ says Ged admiringly, ignoring me and my incredible moment of musical integrity. ‘It takes real skill to seem like you either have something terribly important on your mind or like you’re greatly surprised to find, once again, you’ve woken in full make-up wearing only a thong and some oversized earrings. Real skill.’

This is so not helping.

‘The lead singer looks like she’s just walked naked through a silvery mist,’ says Liam.

Neither is that.

‘I hope they don’t expect me to wear costumes like that.’

Liam peers at me over the top of the phone. ‘We keep telling you to dress up and make an effort on stage, but will you listen? No, you won’t. You have award-winning legs, Connie. You can’t turn up in Benidorm dressed for an archaeological dig.’

‘I’m a pitch-perfect classical singer. I don’t belong somewhere like that,’ I say, trying to keep the terror from my voice. ‘Singing cheesy covers to a sea of bald heads. It’s like scraping the professional barrel. Maybe I should ring Nancy back and explain I made a mistake?’

‘What other options do you have? I don’t hear the London Philharmonic knocking and you have no money coming in,’ saysGed bluntly. ‘Connie, you need a bit of a reality check. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect.’

‘I know that,’ I say tightly. ‘I know that more than anyone.’

Ged puts a comforting arm around me. ‘Sorry, hun. I just mean that perhaps it’s time to let go of this perfect life you had planned and embrace the one that might be waiting for you instead.’

‘There is nothing waiting for me in Benidorm. Have you seen the state of the place? Besides, I only know one Ed Sheeran song.’ I let out a worried groan. ‘Everyone will hate me, won’t they?’

Ged and Liam exchange sympathetic noises before completely backtracking. ‘No, of course they won’t hate you. All you need to do is style it out. Just tweak a few things.’

I blink at them and feel relief flooding through me as Ged pushes a glass of wine into my hand. No matter how difficult I can be, they always have my back.

‘Just change the way you dress, the way you sing, the way you dance… Oh, and smile at the audience more,’ Liam says. ‘Your nerves can come across as a bit stand-offish at times.’

Shitting hell.

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