Page 47 of Girls Just Want to Have Sun

‘Sometimes failing to achieve your goals helps you fulfil your destiny. Maybe the Sinfonia or Philharmonic is not the right path for you,’ Liberty says, sounding exactly like Liam as she nods at the girls.

How dare she! What does she know?I am immediately incensed. ‘I know what my path should be. And I certainly know all about failing. Is that what you mean? I’m a failure?’ I say through tight lips.

‘I think what Liberty means, love, is that you probably need to experience life a bit more. Fall in love, fall out of love and back in love again,’ Cherry says gently, sounding exactly like Ged.

‘Be brave then be a mess. Be a warrior then be a wimp. Do things,lifethings, and share the ups and downs with the people around you,’ says Big Sue. ‘Do you think you’ve maybe closed yourself off a bit?’

I lower my head so they can’t see my eyes filling up with tears and blink them away.

‘I didn’t mean to upset you. We all carry our deepest scars on the inside,’ Liberty says softly, her eyes full of sympathy.

That’s all it takes. One look. One apology. My lip wobbles as hot tears spill down my cheeks. ‘It’s fine. It’s fine,’ I say as the Dollz lift their sunglasses. ‘It’s just that I recently lost…’

‘Your mother?’ says Cherry.

I nod. I was actually going to say my job. I’m not sure I want to open up to this lot.

‘That explains it then,’ says Liberty. ‘That’s why you don’t sing properly.’

Excuse me?I wipe away my tears, the tidal wave coming to an abrupt halt.

She continues, explaining herself to the Dollz as though I should already be aware of the answer. ‘Connie is doing that classic bereavement thing where her grief has become her comfort zone. Following in her mother’s footsteps will make her feel her mother’s still with her, and because she’s not chasing her own dream, it’s why she’ll find herself stuck in a loop, never going anywhere.’

I can’t fucking believe this.I glare at her before I grab up my towel and stomp off. I hear instant bickering behind me.

‘You and that bloody PhD,’ Cherry calls out.

An hour later, I’m clutching my notebook to my chest and muttering into the wind. Liberty has thrown me completely with her casual remarks and insensitivity. How dare she assume to know anything about me or my relationship with my mother? Sowhat if I’m still grieving? So what if I’m stuck in a loop of failing audition after audition?

I take a beat to listen to what I’m saying. When did I decide that I needed to be a classical singer and follow in Mum’s footsteps? Is that what I really want or what I thought she wanted me to want? I shake away the confusing thoughts. It might help if I get them down on paper. Good old-fashioned pen and paper. I trudge down to the beach towards a small alcove and find to my delight that it’s empty and there’s a shelf of rock for me to sit on and stare out to sea.

I have questions for myself, starting with what in the name of fuck am I doing with my life and why? I scribble away.

I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting staring out to sea, writing things down in my notebook or singing random bits of tunes that disappear with the lapping of the waves, but it has soothed me. I am going to release all these musical notes onto the piano keys and see if I can’t Elton John the fuck out of them. I get out my phone to record the basic melody for later and see Nancy has texted. She is ready to give us all a joint bollocking and is going to FaceTime us shortly.

I take myself back off up to the villa. As soon as I walk through the door, the Dollz crowd round.

‘Sorry, Connie, pet,’ says Tash. ‘Liberty was bang out of order.’

‘I wasn’t,’ says Liberty sharply. ‘Owning your own truth can be one of the hardest things to do, but are you okay, Connie, love?’

I plonk my notebook down, nodding.

‘We’d hate to upset you,’ says Cherry. ‘For a bunch of women in customer-facing professions, we sure do antagonise people a lot, don’t we?’

This makes me smile. A few home truths for these girls are in order. ‘All you’ve done is leave me behind or leave me to sort you all out. There’s been no sisters before misters.’

‘You’re right,’ Tash says, hanging her head. ‘We’ve been awful.’

‘Sorry if we haven’t made you feel like one of the girls,’ says Cherry.

‘And if we’ve made you feel bad, sad or mad,’ says Liberty.

All three.

‘Shame because I usually have such a gift for lifting spirits, don’t I?’ Tash looks to the girls, and I see some of them agree.

‘You have a gift for liftingspiritsall right,’ I say, pleased with myself that I’m still able to be quick-witted at such a trying time. ‘Especially tequila.’ They’ve been mortal drunk since before we even arrived.

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