Page 88 of Girls Just Want to Have Sun

They’re right. There aren’t any real arguments not to go for it. Only that it is so far out of my comfort zone, and it has been years since I made a big decision. Years. And even that may have been choosing which of the two universities in my home town to go to.

‘You’re right. I’ve got nothing to lose. Even if Matteo isn’t on the scene, there’s still reason enough to stay. And it’s only two and a half hours to fly back to Newcastle, right?’

‘Honey, we’ll be over every weekend. Benidorm is the gay capital of Spain.’

‘We don’t want to be late,’ Liam yells from the kitchen. I run the straighteners through my hair one last time. The woman staring back at me from the mirror no longer has that insecure, haunted look about her. I smile at my reflection and feel at peace with myself. I’ve spent months and months gripped by the madness of grief. All those tears that should have been shed a couple of years ago are finally out of my system this week thanks to this bizarre rollercoaster of high drama. I exhale slowly. Grief has had a stranglehold on me for years and it’s time to let it go.

We all pile into the minibus and Jorge helps us carry ‘the injured’ on board. Even though Doctor Sanchez told them to stay in bed, the Dollz were insistent. We’re leaving early for the gig because there is so much to sort out beforehand. Having Ged and Liam with me has jogged my memory as to how professional and meticulously organised I usually am. Once we arrive, I explain the situation to Martha who, thankfully, is grateful that we are going to rescue the event.

‘Dan will do his Jolly Murs after the Dollz to give you a rest between sets, Connie. Really appreciate it.’

‘It’s the least we can do.’

She raises her eyebrows. ‘I know you have a lot on at the moment but have you thought any more about our offer?’

‘I have.’

My stomach is churning as I wonder whether Matteo will show up. The music festival is still ongoing so he will be super busy over there managing the bands, and arranging his upcoming nuptials if Alex gets her way.

‘Amaze,’ says Ged, eyeing me up and down.

‘Ditto.’

He and Liam are dressed in black fishnet T-shirts and tight-fitting pleather shorts. The rest of us are wearing the Dollz’ signature strappy corset, stockings and rubber costumes. There’s a lot of thigh on show, and big hair and lashes. Tash is very pleased with her make-up job on us.

‘You are both extraordinarily comfortable in bondage gear,’ she remarks, touching up Ged’s powder. He mouthsPVC nightsto me behind his hand.

I still can’t believe I’m about to perform as one of the Dollz. It’s so far from what I imagined I’d be capable of doing, only last week. So much has happened. I feel a rise of nerves and grab Liam’s hand.

He gives it a squeeze. ‘This is the most exciting thing I’ve done in years,’ he tells me. ‘I’m so glad you took this job. We’re going to book the Dollz for our wedding.’

‘Showtime, people,’ booms Big Mand from the front row table, laden with drinks for her, Tash and Cherry, who isrefusing point-blank to follow any of the doctor’s orders. The nuns swarm round them before taking seats to cheer us on. I notice Sister Kevin sitting next to Tash ready to do her bidding. She seems delighted at the attention.

Rody announces us on to the stage, and the lights go down. We are ready. It’s the most thrilling feeling. A high nervous energy is pumping through my veins, making me feel light-headed and exuberant. I feel like I’m part of a family. It’s the opposite of how I usually feel. The dread of going into battle with the audience, expecting them not to like me, forcing them to listen patiently to my woeful songs. It was all about me, whereas this is all aboutthem. All about giving the audience what they want and me wanting to entertain them, share in the joy of it all. It’s a world apart.

Ged, Liam and I take our places while Big Sue and Liberty stand in between us. The opening notes blast out from the speakers and the next hour whizzes by in a blaze of theatrics. We are beaming at one another as we wiggle our hips in time. Big Sue and Liberty perform a handstand into upside-down splits as we jazz hands and toe shuffle around them. Thumping beats and Cherry directing help us keep in formation as we sing a string of pop classics. Ged and Liam lift me and Liberty into the air, our arms sweeping majestically as Big Sue cartwheels across stage in time to the music. Finally, Ged and Liam perform ‘Islands in the Stream’, which is on their bucket list and one of their go-to karaoke songs, while we sing backup, clicking and swaying. Before we end on a Girls Aloud classic, Big Sue thanks the audience and blows Tash, Cherry and Big Mand a kiss. ‘We’ll end on “Love Machine” because Chezza is a Geordie lass like us, and we girls will always have each other’s backs.’

When we leave the stage to thunderous applause, we are all on a huge high. Jolly Murs comes bounding over.

‘You guys were amazing,’ he says. ‘And Mam told me you’re going to stay on as resident singer with me, Connie? I’m dead pleased. We can do duets. Plan sets together. It’s going to be great.’ Beaming, he gushes at Ged and Liam. ‘Great costumes, lads. Hey, did you know that Connie and Matteo saved my baby sister from drowning? They rescued her by jet ski. It was crazy. Just like a movie.’

Everyone’s jaws drop as they gaze at me with I-can’t-believe-you-haven’t-fucking-mentioned-this-yet eyes.

‘Are any of the Jezebel Music people here tonight?’ I ask as casually as possible, not trusting myself to say Matteo’s name out loud.

‘No, I don’t think so,’ Dan says. ‘The music festival is still on, so they’ll all be over there. Do you guys want to go afterwards? I have free passes. All residents get in for free.’

Ged yells, ‘Yes, we’ll all go!’

‘Face the fear,’ Liam is telling me. ‘We need to see him in the flesh, Connie. It’s very important. We’ve seen him on social media and, frankly, he sounds too good to be true, so weneedto see him up close.’

‘You don’tneedto see him,’ I hiss.

‘We doneedto see him.Urgently. Forclosure.’

Dan puts on his Jolly Murs face and takes the stage. I’m in bits all the way through his set worrying about seeing Matteo at the festival. Surely there’s a way to avoid him. I mean, it’s a big festival, thousands of people. I hurry to get changed in the toilets and instead of concentrating on my own upcoming performance, I find my mind constantly wandering to Matteo and all the crazy moments we have shared.

‘You seem to be blossoming here,’ Ged says admiringly as I sit back down, taking in my pale gold shiny dress, the huge split at the front, my towering sandals, my swept-up hair and jewelled hairpiece and my mother’s pearl drop earrings. ‘Yourfather would cry buckets if he could see you. You are shining so brightly.’

---