Page 89 of Girls Just Want to Have Sun

He’s right. I look just like my mother. A realisation hits me. She will always be with me as I move on through my next chapter. Instead of breaking down like I would usually do, I find the thought comforting. It soothes my soul.

‘Whatever I decide to do won’t bring her back, will it?’ I say resignedly. ‘Nothing will bring her back, but she will always be with me. Part of me, just like I’m part of her.’

My voice catches in my throat as a swell of grief washes over me, but instead of the usual crumbling feeling, I remain steady. I cope with it. I let it flow through me until it passes. Ged and Liam wait for me. Like they always have done since my whole life was upended by cancer and its cruelty spread throughout every fibre of our lives.

‘If this week has taught me anything,’ I say, finally finding my voice, ‘it’s not to judge others or compare success. And it’s time to stop labelling myself a failure for not having had the life I wanted for myself and didn’t get.’

I seem to be making a lot of sense.

Before I know it, I’m being welcomed back on stage. I close my eyes and think of my mother and off I go, singing the best I’ve ever sung in my entire life. It’s as though she’s with me, willing me on, helping me find my voice. With its dramatic beat and heavy lyrics, my opening song suits my vocal range perfectly. I throw everything I have into it. My expression, my arms, the way I move around; you’d think I’d written the bloody song myself. At the end of the song there is a split second of complete silence before the whole place erupts like anX Factorfinal.

Then I spot Matteo. He’s standing at the bar with Rody. I am transfixed by him as my breathing calms. I thank the crowd and introduce the next song. I feel his eyes on me the entire time, fuelling me, giving me the passion needed to belt the songout with the right mix of fury and fever. I allow myself one opportunity to sing the lyrics straight to Matteo. He is staring at me as I finish on a great line about him having a deadly kiss.

People in the audience are turning around, wondering who I’m looking at. A quick flick down reveals Ged and Liam grinning away, twisting in their seats, their eyes pinging from Matteo to me and back again. They are doing ridiculous swooning mimes as though they’ve forgotten that I am heartbroken over him getting back with Alex. Their faces are beaming at me full of love, full of pride. Just like there’s no mistaking their feelings for each other. They seem destined to dance through life together. They’ve been my family since the moment we all met. My heart swells with love for them. I will end with their favourite song.

‘This final song is for Ged and Liam. They say you should always marry your best friend. And unfortunately for me, that’s exactly what they’re doing. They are the great loves of each other’s lives, and I wish them every happiness in their new life together.’

The rest of the set goes in a bit of a blur, as one moment Matteo is watching me, and the next, he has disappeared. I leave the stage feeling like I need to put some distance between me and Matteo and pull myself together. Maybe this isn’t healthy for me after all. He makes me feel reckless and impulsive, and out of control. Not in the slightest bit safe or in my comfort zone. How can I stay here knowing I’ll bump into him and never be able to be with him because he’ll be married to someone else? By the time I reach the others in the front row, I am more capable of seeing how my out-of-control lust for him is clouding my judgement.

‘That was the best I’ve ever seen you!’ yells Liam.

‘Oh. My. God,’ says Ged. ‘Connie, you were electric up there. Youownedthat stage.’

The Dollz are fussing around me, shouting compliments and instructions on how to improve my fancy footwork for next time.

‘I can’t believe he was here,’ Liam is squealing. ‘He was here!’

I nod sadly.

‘Just play it cool, though,’ he adds. ‘Just play it cool. Let him come to you.’

He still thinks we can salvage this situation, bless him.

‘He won’t be coming to me. He’s getting married,’ I remind him. ‘To someone else.’

I see a few missed calls from my dad, so I step outside into the warm evening air and ring him straight back. After we exchange pleasantries and briefly speak about how his trip to the Lakes went, his voice goes quiet. I press a hand to my other ear to block out the noise and hurry over to a bench to sit down.

‘Connie, love, there’s a letter. It’s from the Royal Northern Sinfonia. It came here by mistake.’

‘Open it.’

Fate can decide for me.

If it’s another rejection, then I’ll stay here. Nothing to lose.

If it’s an acceptance, then I’ll leave. Nothing to stay for.

I hear my father wrestle with the envelope, paper tearing while he gabbles on. It seems to go on forever. ‘Dear Constance, we are delighted to inform you that we are in a position to offer you a permanent place in our choir…’ I hear my father choke and clear his voice. ‘Connie, love. You’re in. You’re finally in. This is what you’ve always dreamed of. Congratulations, darling. Your mother would be so, so proud of you.’

I take a beat to let his words sink in. The warm air around me begins to feel stifling. I’m suddenly woozy, and I put my hand out to steady myself while I rub my temple.

‘Dad,’ I say, gasping for air and clutching the phone to my chest for a moment. ‘I’ll call you back.’

Fate, it seems, has made its decision.

28

We leave Voices and pile into Jorge’s minibus to set off for the short, entirely walkable distance across town to the music festival.

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