Page 91 of Girls Just Want to Have Sun

‘I have a backstage pass!’ he yells back. ‘Come on! We’ll watch from up there then we’ll meet them afterwards! The drummer is an old school friend of mine. Isn’t that awesome?’

The nuns have lifted Ged, Liam and the Dollz onto their shoulders and are barging their way to the front to see The Striped Lions. I turn my attention back to Dan, who is all but dragging me along. My thoughts fly back to the last time I was on stage with Matteo. My stomach gives an involuntary lurch at the thought of him. As we glide through security, Dan flashing his pass like a police ID, we make our way through the hospitality tent at the back of the stage.

We get up to the side of the stage in time to hear the crowd roaring for more. My friends are dancing away on top of the nuns’ shoulders. They are having a great time, and I am awash with feelings of happiness for them. I feel at peace. I feel like I truly belong here in this vibrant, colourful, chaotic place. I close my eyes and luxuriate in the feeling while the band whip the crowd into a frenzy with their loud thumping drum and guitarbeats. I imagine myself on stage doing the same. I imagine my life as a singer-songwriter. I imagine myself happy.

My mind is made up.

A prickling sensation runs up my spine. I cast my gaze over to the other side of the stage and straight into the eyes of Matteo. He’s studying me with interest. I smile sadly back.

I love him.

I simply can’t help it.

I’ve missed him. I tried not to, but I have thought about him every second of every day since I sat next to him on the plane and now that he’s here in front of me, I just want to throw myself into his arms. Something in his eyes tells me that he has not had an easy time of it either. He seems weary and drained. He indicates that he’ll come over to me. I really shouldn’t be encouraging him, so I shake my head reluctantly and lower my gaze so he can’t see my sad face and my eyes that want nothing more than for him to sweep me into his muscular arms and kiss me into oblivion. When I look back up, he’s gone.

I’ve done the right thing. He’s got unfinished business. It’s way too soon for anything to happen between us, even if things don’t work out between him and Alex. No wonder he has been conflicted. Our timing is way off.

Moments later, I’m taken by surprise. Matteo is at my side, his gaze flicking to Dan’s arm slung casually over my shoulder.

‘It’s not what it looks like,’ I say, flinging his arm off me.

‘Matteo! Great job with this year’s festival. It’s awesome,’ Dan gushes before putting on a stern face as he remembers we are mad at him. I roll my eyes. None of these men are any good at playing it cool.

‘Can we talk?’ Matteo says with a gentle expression. I can barely hear him. Dan is giving me a not-so-discreet thumbs up.

I follow Matteo down from the stage and into the hospitality tent, relieved to see that Alex isn’t around. When we walk in, theplace is bathed in soft light. The tent roof is covered in twinkling stars. Romantic, chilled-out music is playing and lots of people are swaying along or lounging on bales of hay.

‘Is your cheating ex-fiancée here?’ I say, not loving the jealous tinge.

‘Emphasis on the ex. And, now, my ex-business partner too,’ he says with a relieved sigh. ‘That’s where I’ve been all day. Making sure we never have to see each other ever again. She made it as difficult as possible but I’m finally free of her. She’s moving back to Valencia. To start over.’

‘But I saw you together last night, on The Strip. I saw you hugging. I saw you getting back together.’ The words are like glass in my throat.

‘You saw me ending things with her. It got a bit messy. We’ve been together a long time. She made a huge mistake but, to be honest, so did I. I never wanted to marry her. I kind of let myself get railroaded into it because we’ve spent fifteen years building that company.’

‘It must have been tough.’

‘I haven’t known what to do for the first time in my entire life,’ he says into my ear. ‘I feel like from the moment you and I met, everything turned upside down. Like for years I was just going through the motions, waiting for that day to arrive.’

I sense him blushing in the darkness.

‘That sounds stupid,’ he says. ‘But I don’t know how else to describe it. You have literally turned my world upside down.’

‘But what now? How do we be together? I’ve just been offered two jobs in two different countries.’

‘Of course you have,’ he says, his eyes creasing. ‘Of course you have. Why would you make this easy for me?’

This makes me chuckle.

‘Was one of them for the audition you thought you failed?’ he asks.

‘Yeah, the Sinfonia. I can’t believe it. After all this time. And the other one is here at Voices.’

‘Congratulations. You deserve it,’ he says, pulling me towards a dark corner of the tent where a girl is plucking away on her guitar and another girl is standing next to her with a violin. ‘Dance with me?’

Matteo takes me in his arms. We swirl easily around the dance floor as though we are floating through a night sky bursting with stars. I stare into his eyes, lost in the moment. This feels right. This feels like home. All that hollow emptiness I have felt, the longing but not knowing what I long for, the uncertainty, the self-doubt, the constant feeling of failing at life while everyone else is winning – it all drains out of me. The grief for my mother will never leave me but, without all the other baggage, I know I’ll be able to live with it and not let it rule me.

I rest my head against his impressive chest and feel his heartbeat.

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