Page 55 of Embers in the Outfield

I see her moving along her desk, grabbing things, and finally passing me.

She gives me a soft kiss on the cheek, and I simply look at her, utterly speechless. I have no clue what to say. She stares an extra beat—I’m not sure if to just take in the proximity for a second longer or to see if I at least say something, but I continue my statuesque form, letting her walk out the door without a fight.

I don’t know how long I stand there, long after Kennedy has left, when Daphne makes her way around the office, this time facing me.

“Um, Mr. Nichols, are you ready to head out? Please follow me.” She doesn’t wait for my response, and I begin to follow her. I walk the entirety of her floor, then down the elevator and out of the building, feeling like a piece of me was left behind.

* * *

I handled being in my apartment for about ten minutes, pacing, before I decided taking Lola for a walk would be the bestcourse of action. Of course, I pulled my brother out of his place because I need someone to talk to. I have no clue how my day got so off-course.

“So let me get this straight: she just ended things out of nowhere?” My brother looks as perplexed as me. I nod, looking ahead, feeling the muscles in my back tensing up the more I revisit what happened today.

“I don’t get it. Why don’t you tell me what happened word for word in your apartment this morning?” My brother is trying to dissect the information from the chopped version I regurgitated.

“I already told you, man. We were fine, talking about how she could talk to me and trust I would keep her secrets, even though we were just hooking up,” I say, pulling Lola away from some food someone dropped on the ground.

“Hold up, wait.” Clay stops abruptly. He pulls on my shoulder, forcing me to look at him.

“You said what?” he says, and I just stare at him, wondering what he needs me to repeat now.

“What? I told her she could talk to me.” I don’t get what I’m saying that’s throwing him off now.

“No, no. That’s not what you said. You just said that she could talk to you even though you were only hooking up.” He gawks at me like I am the biggest idiot.

“Yeah, so? We were just hooking up. That was the deal.” I start to turn to continue walking, but my brother stops me.

“You are the biggest fucking idiot, man. You deserve to have her walk away from this little thing she had with you.” The disappointment is taking over Clay’s features as he walks off ahead of me, leaving me scratching my head.

“What’s the big fucking deal, Clay? How am I in the wrong?” I’m really lost and apparently an idiot at the same time.

“Dude, she likes you, don’t you get that? And you pretty much said, ‘Hey, confide in me because I like to fuck around withyou, but that’s it.’ I don’t think I want to be related to you right now.” He scoffs, truly upset at me.

“Hey, that’s a bit harsh. I didn’t mean it like that. I like being around Kennedy. I really enjoy her company, and she’s the only one I can spar with and have fun while doing it. She gets me, which is fun too,” I say while my brother stops walking and simply stares at me.

“Are you fucking high, Riv? Seriously, are you this dense? I mean, what you just said is the epitome of liking someone. Mom must have dropped you on your head.” He walks off, and I’m stunned in place.

“So I’m wrong for stating the obvious?”

“If what you’re stating is going to pretty much degrade someone to feeling like they’re nothing but a good lay, yes,” he says in an exasperated tone.

He must have some sympathy for me because he softens his tone and continues, “Look, River, I know you have not really given this whole dating world a try for a long time. I know you thought you and Kennedy were just keeping things casual. But that’s hard to do. You are both attracted to one another, you both have similar ways of coping with relationships in the past, and you both run in the same friend groups. What did you think was going to happen?” my brother questions, and I just look at him, wondering how things got so complicated with her when all we wanted was a physical connection.

“Come on, try to see it through her eyes. Whatever she was confiding in you with, it took guts to do it. She gave you a piece of her past, and as much as you welcomed it, you also made your connection with one another worth nothing. How do you think she’d feel?” I know, without looking at my brother now, he’s disappointed in me, and I’m starting to see why.

“So what do I do? Run back to her and tell her I want more? I don’t want her to think I’m just saying that so I can get in herpants again.” I don’t know why this is so foreign to me. I should know what to do, but I need some guidance, and I’m limited on who to talk to because it was all a big secret between Kennedy and me.

“Is that what you want?” he throws back.

“I mean, I’m a man. Of course I want to get back in her pants,” I say, and it earns me a smack on the back of my head.

“You’re killing me right now. Look, if you like her, you go grovel. But before you do anything, figure your shit out, man. It sounds like you’re a bit confused about how you’re feeling. Maybe she was right. She felt more than you did, and she did the right thing, the mature thing, by leaving you.” I see him give a slight shake of the head, maybe realizing that the romantic gene really did only fall on him.

It’s not that I don’t like Kennedy. I mean, I enjoy spending time with her. We laugh together, push each other’s buttons, and are quite compatible with one another. But is this something that won’t fizzle out in time if we move further into the relationship? It’s hard to tell. I think my brother’s right: I need to figure out what I want before I go back to Kennedy, blurting demands.

The rest of our walk remains quiet, my brother oozing his disappointment for me in each long exhale he gives and me chewing on all the morsels of information I have to digest.

First things first: I need to decide if what Kennedy and I shared is worth going after. But based on how I feel right now, I’m gutted with the thought that I’ve pretty much burned a bridge that I wasn’t ready to walk away from.

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