Page 57 of Embers in the Outfield

The moment I’m safely in the backseat, I let my head fall back and close my eyes. I’m exhausted, and all I want to do is take a hot shower and let today, no this week, wash off down the drain.

I walk into my house, and I’m already assaulted by the loneliness that stares back at me. It’s strange that in such a short time, I got used to River’s and Lola’s presence. Something about having them here made my life feel more significant, mostly due to the fact I could share my day with someone.

Now, this is what my life has been turned into: something solitary and quiet. I think for so long, I imagined this was what I wanted for myself. Coming home to a quiet, clean house with no responsibilities outside of the office. Even if I was dating someone casually, they didn’t bring such a presence with them like River did. He brought a lightness to my day when I’d felt consumed by stress and work, but the moment I saw him, it felt like so much of the day was left at the door. By getting a opening myself up and getting a glimpse of what the possibility would be like to share my life with someone would be like, I’m now seeing how lonely I really am.

I think, despite the mess that unfolded afterward, my time with River gave me clarity. I now see the closed-off life I thought I was thriving in was, in reality, me existing. I think I see now, with a clear sense of what I want, that life is more than work. It’s more than control.

Maybe that’s what I failed to see once my parents passed away. I know they wanted to see me live my life; they wanted to see my sibling born and add to their family. But even until that moment when life truly crashed into us, they would say they were happy. They didn’t hold back due to fear. They simply grabbed life, the good and the bad, and lived. And here I am, letting life pass by as if tomorrow is guaranteed.

Maybe River didn’t want a life with me, but I got to see that my life was lacking in some way. I might not find exactly what I want immediately, but I can put myself out there more. I can start to push the envelope a bit to see what’s inside.

I feel a new determination take over my movements as I walk into the restroom. I take my shower, already thinking about how I can make some changes to try and meet new people. I deserve a chance at happiness, even if it took me this long to figure it out.

I get out of the shower, wrap myself in my fluffy robe, and pull my phone out of my purse. I sit on my bed and decide to pullup the latest dating app and make a profile. Might as well try this out—even though, from what Jessa has told me, these apps are simply made for hookups. That being said, I will probably gain some fun stories from them.

Finding a photo and getting my profile set up, I see I’m all set to submit and start this.

The moment I click save, it generates my profile, and I feel the uptick in my heart rate. I laugh at my reaction to a dating app. Imagine the actual dating part—with complete strangers.

After I take some time to familiarize myself with the app and its features, I toss my phone aside and make my way back to my bathroom to dry my hair. Once I finish with that, I grab my heatless curlers and wrap my hair to prepare for my long day of meetings tomorrow. The moment I finish putting the last scrunchie in place, I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness that River isn’t here to make jokes about my ridiculous hairstyle.

I decide some trashy television might do the trick. As emotionally draining this past week has been, I’m not feeling the sleep come over me the way I imagined.

Grabbing a water from the fridge and plopping myself in front of the TV, I put on the latest of this ridiculous dating show I seem drawn to and relax on the couch with a big blanket.

I doze off, only to be awakened by a knock on my door. It takes me a minute to figure out if that’s a true knock or if I’m dreaming.

The sound carries again, this time louder, and I look down at the phone. It’s after midnight, and I jump up, fear lacing my movements as I imagine nothing good comes from a knock at this hour.

I look through the peephole only to find the one man I’ve tried to avoid all week. His silence all week was deafening, and the hurt that carried each day that passed seems to dissipate the moment I realize he’s on the other side of this door.

I shake my hands at my side like I’m gearing up to join a fight in the ring. I take a few deep breaths and then open the door, hoping I hold my ground and not cave to something physical again with this man.

The moment I open the door, I see him look up at me, and it takes everything in me not to jump into his arms.

CHAPTER 25

River

I miss Kennedy.Plain and fucking simple. What have I done about it? Bitch and whine to my brother and Lola. Can dogs roll their eyes? I think so because I swear I’ve caught her doing it about three times this week.

“Just fucking call her! You’re bumming me out, and that’s my job. Remember, I actually had my wife leave me.” My brother pushes me when he passes me as we walk out of the firehouse.

“I can’t just call her! I mean, I could, but it doesn’t feel big enough of a gesture,” I say, again I realize the whining persists, even now.

“I don’t like heartbroken River. He’s sort of a drag.” That’s from Rios, who hasn’t been on the same shift as me for some time.

Heartbroken is exactly how I’m feeling these days. At first, even though I was hesitant, I quickly learned Kennedy left morsels of herself scattered on my heart. And the moment she walked away, it felt like everything in me dried up. She took all the good with her and left me scrambling to pick up what was left, which lacked the warmth her touch and her gaze surrounded me with.

“I haven’t talked to her all week. Maybe my window of time is closed,” I say back, mentally calculating how I can talk to her and say my piece.

“It’s been a week, dude. She’ll talk to you. She has to. If not, I’ll grab a couple of the guys and go chat with her. I mean, I cannot go another shift with you wallowing all over the station. That was brutal,” Dario complains, and I can’t even argue with him or any of the others nodding in agreement. I’m an absolute mess.

“Try living in the same building as him,” my brother pipes in, and again, I can’t even push back because he’s not wrong.

“Listen, let’s go grab a few beers, talk this out, and get a game plan going. That way, we know you’re all set, and we can all sleep better tonight knowing you’re not broken inside.” Rios smacks me on the shoulder and pulls me into his side.

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