Page 59 of Embers in the Outfield

Damnit. She’s moving on. She’s moving on from what we had, and it’s only been a week. I see the pain etched across all the guys’ faces. The Nichols brothers are real fun tonight. One is sulking because his wife is actually seeing someone else, and here I am, knowing the girl I want is moving on using a dating app.

As if someone slaps me to finally wake the fuck up, I realize I might still be able to rectify this situation. I need to talk to her. I need to make sure she knows everything I’m feeling. She told me how she was feeling, how her feelings were changing, and I just let her walk away. I pretty much gave her the green light, and now I have a choice to let this be and accept seeing her with another man on her arm, or I can fight for her before it’s too late.

I stand abruptly and throw some cash on the table.

“Where the fuck are you going?” my brother asks, concern evident in his features.

“I can’t just sit around and let her move on. I can’t just watch something, someone, who makes me happy, find happiness with someone else. I was a fucking fool. I’m going to win her back,” I tell the table, and then I’m off.

The moment I step outside, I get myself a ride and make my way to Kennedy’s building.

In record time, I’m standing in front of Kennedy’s door. I was hoping my name was still on her permanent list, and luckily, shehasn’t removed it. The minute I am in the elevator making my way up, I feel the nerves kick in. My heart is pounding against my ribcage. It’s only now that I realize she can easily kick me out of here and ask me to never return. But I have decided that losing her forever is not an option. She has to hear me out. Right? I take a few moments to compose myself.

The moment I knock, I look down at my phone and realize the time. Fuck, it’s late. But I’m here, so it’s now or never.

I knock, but no one comes to the door. I fear she might be sleeping, which means I might be sleeping outside her door because there is no way I’m letting her leave her place without talking to me. I can’t just let this go anymore. I was dumb enough to let her walk away once. But I’m not stupid enough to let it happen again.

I knock again, this time hearing movement on the other side. I can hear her footsteps approach the door, and it’s almost like my body reacts to her proximity, even with a wall between us. Her steps falter before she answers, and I know she looked through the peephole to see who was visiting at such an hour.

I hear the clicking of the locks, and soon enough, the door starts to open. Kennedy stands there in her heatless curlers and that thin-ass robe. I can see every curve of her body, and it’s taking all my control to keep myself from reaching out and pulling her body to mine.

I just keep looking at her, stunned and speechless. I took her for granted all that time we were together. I took each look, each touch, each kiss for granted. Had I known the last time I touched her would be exactly that, my last, I would have memorized it better. I would have savored her feel under my fingertips. I would have kissed her a little longer. I would have given her all the words that made her smile brighter instead of causing this pain within her that is evident in her features now.

From what I see in her expression now, she looks just as beautiful, but I see the exhaustion marring her features with the bags under her red-rimmed eyes. My heart hurts knowing I did this to her. I also know I can try and take this pain away.

I must stand for too long, taking her in, when she finally speaks, “Yes, River? Did you forget we aren’t seeing each other anymore?”

The old Kennedy is back, the one who held anger and annoyance at the center of our interactions. I’m the cause of that because I made her believe I didn’t care about what we had. I made her think I didn’t value what we had started.

“I’m sorry.” My voice comes out hoarse as I start with a simple apology, hoping that’s enough to get her icy demeanor to thaw.

She crosses her arms and stands, irritation lacing her mannerisms. Well, I guess that didn’t quite work.

“Okay, well, thanks for the apology,” she says and starts to close her door. I jut my foot out and hold it open, causing her to throw me a look that would make most men cower.

“Please don’t date anyone else. I want to date you. I want to be the one you swipe right for,” I say, and her look goes from annoyance to confusion.

“What the fuck have you been drinking, Riv? You make no sense,” she throws my way and I continue.

“I saw you joined that dating app. The guys and I were grabbing drinks, and your profile matched with one of them. He showed me the notification when I was sitting at the table with him. Please, Kennedy, please give me another chance. I was an idiot. I miss you. I miss us.” I can hear the desperation in my voice, and I’m not embarrassed for pleading my case. I know this is what I want, and I can’t walk away without trying.

“So let me get this straight. You went from indifference when it came to us, letting me walk away after I told you things hadchanged for me, to now you’re wanting me back because I have found a way to possibly move on? You want me because you don’t want anyone else to have me? Like I’m someone to hold onto now that your ego is being compromised?” Her anger is seeping off of every word she’s throwing my way.

“No, that’s not how it is. I was already wanting to talk to you. I was going to talk to you tomorrow after I slept off the beers and my exhaustion from my shift,” I say, noting how much I’m begging more than talking.

“River, you’ve had all week. You’ve had more than enough time to figure out what you want out of this thing we had going on. You made me feel like I was nothing but a good lay. And you know what, that’s understandable because that’s what we were supposed to be to one another. But I realized something tonight. I realized that I deserve what Ash and Sam have. I deserve more than feeling a physical connection with someone.

“I’ve lived too long on my own. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop since my parents died. I took a chance last week and told you how I felt. I told you what was going through my mind, and you disregarded it. I don’t want to be a choice for you because you feel threatened. I want to be your choice because you can’t see life the same when I’m not by your side.”

She takes a breath while she looks up toward the ceiling. “I want you to choose me because you don’t see your world the same without me by your side. I want you to reach for me at night because, without my warmth by you, you’re lost without me. I don’t want you to come crawling back, professing this need for me because I’m someone you simply feel a physical release with. I want more. I deserve more.” Her words have a resolution to them, and it’s hard not to react to them.

I let her talk, and I listen because I know she’s right. I was given a chance to speak up sooner, and I just let time pass. I was confused, and I didn’t know how to look at this properly. Iwanted more with her, yet I hadn’t let my head catch up to my heart. But I’m here now, and I want to try this… together.

“I messed up. I’m sorry.” Defeat carries through in my voice, and I can’t help the hurt it holds. I feel absolutely broken for letting this slip between my fingers. She deserved more, and I failed to realize what I had when I had it in my grasp. “I should have known things were shifting.”

She shakes her head. “That’s the thing, River. I didn’t really put much weight on my feelings until you said we were simply scratching an itch. That’s when it dawned on me that things are different for me now.”

She walks toward me, her warmth right in my grasp. She brings her hand to my cheek, and it feels like everything I’ve been missing these last few days is all coming back to me. Her touch sparks life in it, and I don’t even know how I went these last seven days without it.

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