Page 60 of Embers in the Outfield

My eyes connect with her, and it isn’t until she utters her next confession that I feel my heart completely break for my stupidity.

“River, it was then I realized I was not scratching an itch the entire time we were together. I was giving you pieces of my heart because I am starting to fall in love with you.”

CHAPTER 26

Kennedy

I can feelthe tears threatening to break free, but somehow, I hold them back. I do not need to stand here, confess what I can undoubtedly admit is love to this man, then break down as an added bonus.

I relish my hand touching his warm skin and wish I could stay here forever. Seeing him standing at my door right now, wishing we could rewind to a few weeks back when everything felt much easier and less complex. But I’m the first to admit to myself that it wasn’t easier. I was just not really putting much weight on the fact that I feel love for this man who stands at my door. It was the first emotion I felt at the sight of him.

Maybe I’m being unfair to him to go from a booty call to falling in love, but the heart wants what it wants. And I think I’ve ignored enough of my emotional needs throughout my life to not be honest in this moment. I think it’s time to own up to the fact that I’ve tried to avoid feeling things for people, keeping me from opening up in a way I deserve with the people around me and leaving me scared that it will only hurt more.

If there’s one thing I learned late in life, it’s that life hurts. Love can hurt too, much like it does for me in this moment, as Istare at the only man I’ve ever felt this type of connection to. But at the same time, I’m starting to realize that with my words, love is also freeing. Love is simultaneously beautiful and ugly. And I sort of welcome it now. I sort of long for it.

I take an extra beat to savor the feel of the stubble along his jaw, the warmth of his face in my hand. It takes a lot of effort, but I finally move away from him. I turn, knowing I’ll have to mend my broken heart, but I know I’ll be okay. We’ll both be okay.

I’m about to push my door all the way open for me to cross the threshold when I feel him tug on my hand, forcing me to turn back around and face him.

“Maybe I don’t want to be okay,” he says, and that’s when I realize that last part wasn’t said in my head. I said that out loud.

I don’t register what’s happening until I feel his lips crash into mine. All the hurt is instantly evaporated, all the heartbreak I was going to continue to soothe in the days to come feels like a distant thought. Everything in this moment brings stillness to my heart and mind. It brings me a peace I didn’t know I needed, yet I welcome all the same.

He pulls away too fast for my liking.

“Kennedy, I could walk away from you and do exactly that, be okay. I could wake up tomorrow and continue on. But I don’t want that. I got a taste of that this last week, and I was miserable. I was hurting. I was lost. Things changed, and I finally saw what I needed to do. I was too stubborn and stuck in my old ways to pay attention to it until you walked away from me.

“But with each touch, each movement we made together, we inched closer to something unknown for me, and I ignored it. And that’s on me. I was scared, but I didn’t know it. I pride myself on living in the moment, though I think I took it too far. I lived so deeply in each moment that I took you for granted as a result.”

I move my hands through his hair, unsure how we move past this speed bump without losing that connection we had.

“Please don’t give up on me. Let me catch up. Let me find the pieces of crumbs you’ve left for me along the way. Don’t leave me behind. I could move on, but I just don’t want to. You’re the missing piece, and I think I never had to think about it because, for the last ten years, you’ve been there, pushing me, berating me, caring for me in your own prickly way. I don’t want you, Kennedy. I need you. I need you like I need warmth on a cold Boston night.”

On a shaky breath, I speak. “You promise this isn’t a reaction to seeing me on that app?” A morsel of doubt lingers regarding his intentions.

“Seeing you on that app stung, I won’t sugarcoat it. I didn’t hesitate when I saw you had put yourself out there. I ran here with no plan in mind except to plead with you that you don’t need to look elsewhere. You’ve found your forever in me, Kennedy. I promise. No more stupidity from me.” He moves his hands to my cheeks, and I relish the feel on my skin.

“First of all, I can promise you this won’t be the last time you do something stupid, River.” She rolls her eyes as I laugh. “Are you sure you want to try this? It could blow up in our faces even bigger next time.”

“No, I don’t want to try. I want to see us move past trying and live. I want to take my steps with you, no end date in sight. That’s what I want.” His big hazel eyes, more green than brown tonight, hold so much in them, and it’s hard to say no to that.

I nod and smile at him, my words lodged in my throat behind the frog that’s taken up space in there. I plant little kisses along his lips and on his cheeks. He brings me close and nuzzles me, and I feel him take a deep inhale, like he needs to take my scent in to believe this is happening and not a dream he’s engulfed in.

He mumbles something into my neck, and his stubble tickles me in return.

“What are you mumbling?” I can’t help but ask.

He pulls his face away and looks at me, seriousness taking over his features. “Can we at least acknowledge I just said I wanted everything with you while you have that weird thing on your head?”

This man is ridiculous, and yet the laugh that escapes me holds so much relief that it’s hard not to let a few happy tears slip out while I nod and pull him close to me.

“Yes, you’re the real hero in all of this, Riv. You really are.” I hold him close to me, feeling his warmth against my body after thinking I wouldn’t get this again.

* * *

River and I have been making out on the couch like two teenagers. He moves his hands along my body, touching me over my clothes, making me want more. But each time I try to push him a little further, he stops and shakes his head. Finally, my frustration gets the best of me.

“River, what the fuck? Why aren’t you going past second base?”

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