Page 13 of Embers in the Dark

“Descansi’s? Someone’s fancy,” Bri chimes in.

“How are things going with him? Did you tell him yet?” Alexis asks as she brings her own drink to her lips.

“No.” I drop my head down.

Each of them look at me, shocked at my confession.

“I know, okay? I’m stalling,” I tell them.

“Bay, sweetie, this isn’t like you. What are you afraid of?” Alexis asks.

“I don’t know. I mean, Myles is a bit intense,” I finally confess.

I met Myles at his fraternity party on New Year’s Eve. The girls and I decided to go out last minute and I wasn’t really looking to meet anyone. Even though I had vowed to cut him off cold-turkey after overhearing him agreeing to that date, I continued to text Tucker on and off for months with no response after last fall. Following another unanswered text on New Year’s Eve, my roommates convinced me to go out. Tucker’s silence had been deafening, and I won’t act like I wasn’t heartbroken. But that was the last time I reached out to him.

When the girls suggested going out to welcome the new year, I drowned my sorrows and irritation in alcohol and dancing, meeting Myles in the process. It felt fun and carefree at first, something I loved between Myles and I. Not only that, everyone in my family loved him, including Danny. I thoughthe was what the universe was supposed to bring for me. Like it was kismet that Tucker and I didn’t work out; because Myles was my destiny in the end.

In the beginning, he brought all the new-relationship flutters. The thrill of a new boyfriend came with the hope of something unfamiliar. The butterflies were appealing with every turn. He and I went on dates and he seemed to love everything about my opinionated personality. I was full of sass that he welcomed. Even the way he looked at me made me feel alive. When he picked me up and looked over at me, I felt the heat in his gaze. And when he listened to me talk about the future, he acted like he was excited about my plans of becoming a physical therapist. At least, he never voiced concerns when I talked about wanting to pursue a career down that path.

But as time moved forward, my strengths became my downfall to him. His words of affirmation in my ear transformed into whispered slights and jabs to bring me down a peg. He started to dim the things I thought he loved about me. I can feel the way he judges my outfits with the way he trails his eyes down my body, processing how he can find words to use against me, instead of lifting me up. And for some reason, instead of shying away from him like I would expect, I’m becoming more attached. Like I crave him, even though he’s the opposite of any man I’ve ever been attracted to previously.

The shine of our relationship is wearing off and what I’m left with is someone that seems more interested in showing me off to his friends and coworkers, than one that loves who I truly am. Now, I’m feeling like he just wants to parade me around, trying to make me into something I’m not. The skin he would run his fingers along, causing goosebumps along my flesh early on in our relationship, he now asks me to cover when we go out. He tells me I’m an embarrassment and a slut, words I’d previously have kicked a man in the balls foruttering to my face. Now, those words paralyze me, stuck deep inside me in a way I never thought possible.

I still remember the first time he said them to me. The way he stunned me as he whispered them in my ear when we sat at our table at the restaurant. I felt immobile, convinced I had heard him wrong, my limbs numb as I processed the harshness of his words, holding back tears. I expected my body to stand up and throw my drink in his face and declare our relationship over.

Instead, I sat there like a statue and when the server arrived, I plastered a smile on my face and ordered my meal. The satisfied look on Myles’s face confirmed he expected me to comply. Disgust spread through me that I allowed him to treat me like that. From there, I accepted my fate.

Embarrassment has washed over me since then. I fear what my friends and family might think if they ever found out what their strong Baylee has fallen victim to. I keep his jabs my little secret, like an addict’s. I tuck his remarks below the surface, where no one can hear or see.I hope I hide it well.

Since that day, I’ve tried to keep him happy with the clothes he asks me to wear. If I keep him happy, his comments are minimal. If we have a good night out, then his attitude remains jovial and things feel like they were in the beginning. Those are the nights I want with us. I’ve never been silenced, yet I’ve allowed him to do this to me.How did I become this girl?

I’m sitting with my drink, once again lost in thought, when I’m pulled back into the conversation around me.

“You know you can break up with him if you’re not happy, right?” Bri says in return.

Brianna isn’t one to stay in a relationship longer than a week it seems. She never stays committed longer than that because she feels this is the time in our lives to experience everything. I tried to keep up with her for a bit, going on a string of double-dates before finally caving. It was exhausting.I don’t know how she does it. Looking back, there’s a part of me that wishes I had stayed on that track. Instead, I’m stuck in this cycle with Myles, dreading what will likely be a messy breakup.

“Yes, oh wise one,” I tell her while I cheers her with my glass in the air. “But it’s not all bad.” The face I make as I utter the lie gives me away.

The three of them give each other a look that I catch. “What was that?” I point at them.

“What?” Alexis says.

“I saw that look you gave each other. Is there something you need to say to me? What is it?” We don’t play this game with each other. I hate that catty shit some girls play, talking behind each other’s backs and keeping secrets.

Mandy hangs her head. “We’ve noticed that you’ve been a bit more reserved with him. You’re just different, that’s all.”

“What do you mean?” It seems I haven’t been hiding things as well as I thought.

“Baylee, we love you, you know that. But since you’ve been with Myles, you’ve just been a little off,” Bri explains.

“Yeah, like you’re in pain when you’re with him,” Alexis agrees.

I want to burst into tears. It feels like I’m going to burst at the seams if I don’t let this out.

“And you dress so conservatively with him. It’s sort of weird. It’s not you, Baylee. I mean, you’ve got this sick style I’ve always admired, but now, you look like a Stepford Wife. It’s creeping me out. You only do it around him,” Mandy says.

My mouth hangs open with this confession and Mandy soon backtracks. She isn’t usually that blunt, so it’s sort of shocking to hear her describe me like that, even though I'm well aware of how I’ve been dressing lately.

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