Page 72 of Embers in the Dark

“But I was horrible to you, I never responded to your texts”—he runs his hand through his beard, something I notice he does when he’s contemplating something—“and you still cared enough to see her. Thank you.”

He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips to plant a kiss to it. I can see something deeper is plaguing him.

“What’s bothering you, Tucker?” I ask him.

“This weekend things have just felt more real with her,” he confesses.

“How so?” I ask.

He keeps my hand in his, playing with my rings. “Like I won’t get to have her there when the time comes for my own big milestones in life. When I get married, or have kids in the future, she may not be there. I never put too much weight on that before, but the minute I got to Ohio and started to go through the motions with Eric, it all became so real. Her cancer has no cure. She might get years, but there’s no guarantee of decades ahead. That scares me.”

Right then I realize how defeated he is by what lies ahead and I’m gutted for him. I unbuckle my seatbelt and shift to sit facing him. I turn his face toward mine, caressing his cheek.

“Tucker, I can’t take away your pain. Nothing I say will make this better. But one guarantee I can make is that you aren’t in this alone. You have me and I’m not going anywhere. I love you and I’ll love you through the pain, no matter when it comes.”

His eyes are on me, and he nods slightly, bringing his lips over mine for a light kiss. This weekend brought us closer than I imagined, but it also made me realize this experience with his mom is really breaking his heart, bit by bit. I hope he realizes he’s got me and so many more people that will hold him up during this time. His mom is doing well right now and he’s got time to build more memories with her.

I can’t help the nerves as I sit in Sydney and Jada’s kitchen, waiting to tell them about Myles. Dr. Nuys told me it was time to get this off my chest with my new friends. Since the attack, I haven’t had to tell anyone what happened. Everyone around me knows my story and my new friends only know this version of me, the one who transferred from Connecticut and doesn’t talk about her past.

Part of facing what happened is letting people that mean something to me know this side of me. With the pre-trialconference coming up, Dr. Nuys thought this was a good time to explain everything going on before I have to go to Connecticut for a few days.

I don’t know the outcome of that conference, but I do know that whatever the outcome, what happened isn’t my fault. And I know my new friends won’t judge me, still I don’t want them to look at me differently; I think that’s why I’ve been hesitant. They’ve only seen me like so many used to before Myles got his claws into me—confident and free. He took so much of that with him that night and in the months he dated me; I don’t want to lose that all over again.

“Baylee, you’re scaring us—are you okay?” Jacob asks.

“Um, yeah.” I fiddle with the ring on my thumb, biting my bottom lip.

“Oh no, you’re pregnant, aren’t you?” Jada says, bringing her hand to her mouth. “It’s okay, we’ll help you. My sister went through this, and she still got through school. She’s a nurse now.” She nods her head reassuringly.

“No, I’m not pregnant.” I look at her. “It’s not that.”

“Oh, okay. Well, if you were, just know you’re not alone.”

“Thanks?” It comes out more as a question. “No, I wanted to talk you three about something from my past. I transferred here because I was accepted to the kinesiology program late, like I told you, but the timing was sort of perfect in a multitude of ways. My life in Connecticut crumbled shortly after I found out I got accepted. Actually, it was slowly crumbling for a long time without me realizing it. I never told you all what went on there before I moved back to Boston.” I cast my eyes down and my heart is hammering in my chest.

Sydney puts her hands on mine and I look up.

“Baylee, whatever it is, you can tell us.” Her comforting gaze feels like a balm on my thundering heart.

I take a breath and let it out calmly. “Before I moved out here, I was dating someone. At first, he was really great. He seemed like someone I could envision being with forever andit soothed my aching heart when I couldn’t be with Tucker.” I give a sad smile. They know I had a massive crush on Tucker since I was a teen, I confessed that shortly after we started dating.

“But as the months passed, he started to throw hurtful comments my way. His snide comments stung. He’d say things that were demeaning and hurtful in ways that caused me to change the way I dressed, acted, spoke. Pieces of me started to chip away. I hid the real me so that I could appease him.”

You could hear a pin drop, the room has gone silent as my friends just listen. So I continue to tell them the way Myles dug his claws into my skin.

“My roommates noticed the changes with time. And when I got the call from Orange University here, I felt like something snapped in me. I knew a change was needed. I called my mentor at the internship and she told me I’d be a fool if I didn’t take the opportunity. My roommates agreed and I took the reins of my life again. Well, Myles didn’t agree. And instead of telling me how he felt, he showed me with his fist.”

Jada and Sydney gasp at my revelation while Jacob whispers “Fuck” under his breath.

I feel the moisture of my tears fall down my cheek as I recount Myles’s attack. “Tucker was my first call that night and from there, it’s all a blur. Myles was arrested, but his mom is a hotshot attorney in Connecticut. He was out on bail not long after. My pre-trial conference is coming up. I haven’t told you, and I’m sorry about that—” I hang my head in shame.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Sydney says.

“I do, because I feel like you’ve welcomed me in so willingly and I’ve closed myself off with this big thing,” I tell them. “It’s just that I sort of wanted to start over, but I realize now, with the help of my therapist, that I can’t. It’s a part ofme. As much as I don’t want it to be.” I already feel lighter having told them.

“First, I can’t imagine it’s been easy, Baylee. Having to uproot your life and adapting to a whole fresh one, with a new school, so late in your academic career, after such a traumatic event. But to carry all that for all these months, I’m so sorry. Just know you don’t have to apologize and I guarantee you, we support you. You’re our friend and that asshole is a piece of shit for ever making you feel less than perfect. You deserve so much better. I imagine Tucker was beyond livid that night, and continues to be pissed knowing he ever laid a hand on you,” Jada says.

“You have no idea.” I give a small smile as I pick at a piece of string off my sweater.

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