Page 86 of Embers in the Dark

He puts his arms around my waist, nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck and tightens his grip around me. He breathes me in and whispers, “It’s too soon. I can’t lose her, I’m not ready. It’s not her time yet, Bay.”

I run my hands through his hair. “I know, baby. She’s strong and she’s surrounded by the best to care for her,” I say, hoping I sound reassuring. I’m saying it for him just as much as I’m saying it for myself.

Carolyn has been such a force of nature in all our lives and she hasn’t had enough chance to fight this. For so long she hasn’t even looked sick. Only recently she started to lose her hair from the chemotherapy, and her body began to show the changes. The cancer is starting to eat away at her in ways that remind us of the evil it really is.

Tucker pulls his face away as if a reality hits him. “Fuck, I told Eric and haven’t really checked in about his flight.”

“I did. I hope that’s okay,” I confess. “He knew you werebusy getting information on her so I texted him. His flight took off about twenty minutes ago; he should be here in about ninety minutes. He’ll grab a ride from the airport and meet us here. Brittany is with him.”

“Thank you.” He blows out a breath and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m glad he’ll be here. I can’t imagine this is easy for him being far away.”

“Yeah, I know it must eat at him being a plane ride way instead of a car ride,” I say.

“It’s not easy. Either way, one of them has to give something up with someone leaving family behind,” he says, looking down.

Right then, there’s commotion in the room and soon they’re pushing Carolyn’s bed through. One of the nurses spots us, along with the oncologist.

Dr. Arroyo motions for us to follow them as they make their way out of the emergency room.

“Your mother’s room is ready in the I.C.U. All her belongings are in the bag. Did you have anything in the room you have to grab?” he asks.

“No, we didn’t drop anything off,” I tell him. “Did your mom have anything else other than the stuff they placed in the bag?”

“No, I have her wallet on me,” Tucker says.

“Okay, great. She’s still groggy from the medication we gave her. She’s breathing on her own, which is a good sign. We’ll continue to monitor her once she’s settled in her new room. Her labs came back and they were as I suspected; the chemo is what caused this reaction,” he explains. “They’re a little strict upstairs, so I’m not too sure they’ll let you spend the night tonight, but due to the hours, they might let you stay now that we’re getting close to morning.”

“No problem. Just let us know. My brother is headed into town as well. We can take shifts if needed,” Tucker explains.

Once we arrive at the elevators, Carolyn and her team takeone and we wait for the other. The minute our doors close, Tucker looks at me.

“She is so quiet and frail, Baylee. I can’t look at her without thinking that I might not hear her voice again. What if the last time I talked to her was it?” He looks completely shaken.

“She needs you to look at her and think of her walking and talking again, Tucker. Right now, she needs you to have a positive outlook. She’s fighting for her life. It’s our job to fight right along with her, got it?”

I get where he’s coming from. I’m having the same concerns as him. But I’m having to fight the urge to fall off that cliff of fear and thinking of the last time I spoke to her. So I’m focusing on the fact that she would want me to think about her walking out of this place with us and forming new memories. That’s what we all need right now.

“But if you’re going to break, you grab my hand, pull me out of the room, and have that moment with me. Then when you walk back in that room, you pull yourself back together. Got it?” I tell him. “She needs us whole, because she deserves all of us standing with her. Not pieces of us.”

He nods with tears in his eyes. I know his heart is breaking. My sweet teddy bear of a man is so soft inside and all I want is to take away his pain.

I walk up to him and to bring my palm to his cheek. “I love you, Tucker. You aren’t alone in this.”

“I know. I love you,” he says just above a whisper, his voice hoarse.

“No matter what, you will get through this.”

He nods and leans into my hand. Eventually he moves his face and kisses the inside of my palm. The elevator doors open and he grabs my hand and pulls me out. I follow behind him, forcing myself to compose my emotions.

Carolyn needs our strength right now. That is the new mantra I keep repeating in my mind until I believe it myself.

It’s been over twelve hours and no change in Carolyn’s condition. My parents have been texting all day, asking how she’s doing. They’ve offered to bring food to the hospital, but we’ve told them we’d let them know if something changes. There’s so many rules in the I.C.U. regarding visitors that we’ve told them to stay home until we know more.

Right now we’re in the cafeteria as they’re going through shift-change and they don’t allow family members in the room during that time.

“Okay, explain that again,” Tucker’s laughing for the first time since he got that call in the middle of the night. “You ingested something thinking it was clams and it was snails? How do you confuse the two?”

“Dude, I had no idea.” Eric’s holding back a laugh himself and Brittany is wiping tears from her eyes. “I ordered, the food came and I just started eating.”

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