Page 100 of Outspoken

I love her playfulness and smile. I love how she always speaks her mind and cares so deeply for others, even though she tries to hide it. She’s a fighter. She deals with a lot, she’s been through a lot, but she keeps fighting.

It’s love…isn’t it?

I fist the jeans as a dark feeling settles in my gut. Words that Amber told me at Rico’s party flood my mind:

“You want love so desperately you’ve convinced yourself you feel it.”

Other words that she told me flow in next:

“Those women you proposed to, did they do anything to make you fall in love? To actually earn your love? Or were you just in love with the idea of them?”

I feel sick, but before I can process and make sense of anything, Amber hurries into the room with my shirt, tossing it on the bed.

After shutting and locking the bedroom door, she grabs a brush off the nightstand and makes an exasperated sound at me. “You need to dress. Seriously, I just saw Jackie’s car pulling up. It’ll take her a few minutes to get the car seat out because she’s horrible with it, but you should hurry. You parked down the street, right?”

I barely nod before she grabs my arm and yanks me up. “Good. Hurry.”

While she brushes her hair and then dusts powder on her face—I guess so she doesn’t look pink from fucking—I put on my clothes. I move toward the door, completely lost and out of it.

She grabs my arm to stop me. “No, you have to go out the window. Sorry, but she might see you go out the back door. You can use the window, wait until she comes inside, and then sneak away.”

The thought of going to all this effort to hide what we’ve been doing digs at me. Since we’re casual, it’s not a big deal if others know. Paige is team Miguel and Brody said he disapproves but wouldn’t stop us. The only person who really has a problem with us is Amber.

I turn to the window and bite out, “Yeah. Your dirty secret. Got it.”

She pauses with her hand on the sheer curtain. “What?”

“Nothing.” I slide the window open along the metal track, concerned that I might get stuck halfway. Jackie’s windows are bigger than Brody’s, but it’s still a bit small for my body.

Before I can unhinge my joints climbing out, Amber touches my forearm. “I’m sorry,” she says, looking worried. “Thanks for coming over. Maybe later we can—”

Someone tries to open the locked door, jiggling the handle. A second later, we hear,

“Told you she would appear like magic,” Amber grumbles under her breath. She kisses my cheek. “I’ll text you. And, um, next time…I mean, I don’t—”

Paige knocks.

“Yeah,” Amber calls out. “Sorry. Just a sec.”

I don’t know what she wants to tell me, unless it’s more reminders about usnotbeing in a relationship, but I don’t hang around. Somehow, I squeeze myself through the small window and land safely on my feet in the dirt.

“I’ll text you,” Amber whispers.

Before I can turn to say bye, she closes the window and draws the curtains. Just like that, I’m shut out.

I don’t sneak. I casually walk to my car, trying to clear my cloudy head. It’s hard to know where to start. Should I think about how Amber hides our hookups, even from Paige? Or do I let myself get crushed by the discovery that Amber doesn’t want kids?

Or maybe I’ll contemplate love and how I guess I have no fucking idea what it is.

I kick a rock into a trashcan on the street. It bounces and rolls back to me, so I kick it again further into the distance. Amber is completely right about me. I thought she was only being defensive and not giving love a chance, but she’s been trying to tell me something real, trying to get me to wake up.

I’ve always known I fall too fast, and I know it’s a problem, but I believe that if two people love each other, everything will work out. You just have to get to the love and worry about the rest later. The reason I always pushed was because I thought if I could show a woman how great of a husband and father I’d be, she’d feel secure and begin to trust. She’d get to a place of mutual love faster. Then we’d marry and spend the rest of our lives happy together.

Then I wouldn’t be alone.

Now I’m realizing my beliefs are misguided. You need to sort through certain thingsbeforegetting to love. It takes more than love to make a relationship last, and I can’t just push for one because I’m scared of being alone once Mom is gone.

So none of what I’ve felt is true love then, is it? My feelings come from desperation, infatuation, insecurity. I do really care for Amber, but I’ve been stupid and haven’t stopped to think if we really fit together. I simply assumed that we did—that’s how I thought a soulmate connection works. But I never asked if we want the same things from life.

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