Page 133 of Outspoken

Brody opens his mouth to speak, but I quickly say, “Sorry, man, I need to get my brother out. And I need air.”

He and Paige nod, then I hurry out of the church doors with Carlos.

Once the sunlight hits us, he gasps like he was drowning and just resurfaced. We both take a moment to stare at the clear sky and just breathe, enjoying the freedom.

“Thanks,” he says, wiping his face with a tissue. “I couldn’t stand it in there.” He yanks his black suit jacket off and loosens his tie. “Fuck, how does Bob wear this every day? I hate it.”

I adjust my own suit jacket. “I don’t know. He’s used to it.” I nod at his car that’s parked along the street. “You need to get out of here?”

He thinks about it a moment, sniffing, his blue eyes bloodshot and wary. “Is that okay?”

“Who cares? Do what you need to.”

“What about the burial?”

I pull off my black tie and stuff it in a front pocket. “Mom would understand. She wouldn’t want us suffering.”

He moves an inch toward his car. “You’ll talk to Maribel? I don’t want to get yelled at when I see her tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to the drill sergeant.”

He lingers a moment longer, debating, then he gives me a side hug. “Thanks. I’m going to my hotel to drink and pass out.”

“Like I said, do what you need to.”

Before leaving, he tips his chin at me. “What will you do?”

The world, life, is a weight crushing me into the earth. How do I carry this?

I shrug one shoulder and stare at the endless ocean skyline in the distance. After a sigh that relieves nothing, I say, “I don’t know, Carlos. I don’t have answers for anything. I can barely think. These last few days have been a blur.”

He nods. “I’ll see you later.”

“Hey,” I call after him. “Don’t tell anyone I asked you, but is there something sentimental you want of Mom’s?”

Since I found out in Mom’s will that she put me in charge of her estate, I’m trying to manage it in chunks. While I’m thinking about it, I might as well ask.

“I’ve banned everyone else from coming to my house for now,” I add. “But you, Maribel, and Bob can have whatever you want. I know it’ll mean something to you.”

He wipes a fresh batch of tears from his cheek, brushing away a strand of the curly hair he inherited from Mom. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it. Sara was close to Mom, so she asked if Mom had a ring she could wear. I can give it to her when we elope. Is that’s cool?”

“Definitely. I’ll look.”

“Thanks, bro.”

He chokes on a sob and hurries to his car. I hope he’s able to stop crying enough to get to the hotel safely. Thankfully, it isn’t too far from the church.

After his car zips away, I’m alone in the sunshine. I exhale and close my eyes, tipping my face toward the sun as I listen to the birds chirping in trees and the rush of traffic on the street. I stand there simply breathing, trying to let my mind empty, but it clings to every random image of Mom it can. I picture the last time we saw each other—that last hug, that last time I told her I loved her. I wish I had told her so much more that morning. I wish I had called in sick to work and stayed home, wringing every last second with her as I could.

Mom’s passing adds to the hole that’s been in my heart for years. It’s not healing, only growing. If it grows too much, I worry about what’ll happen. I might stop going outside or getting off the couch. It feels like I’m right back to where I was six years ago—starting over. Only this time, I have zero direction and no hope.

Well, I do have Angel to care for, if he sticks around. I’m worried he might dip. He’s completely shut me out now that Mom’s gone. I’m trying to connect—trying to convince him to watch movies with me, eat dinner, play board games—but he hates me. Maybe I’m trying too hard. I don’t know. I’d rather he keep living with me, but I also want to do what’s best for him. He needs to focus on his education, and I’m clearly not the one who will convince him to start school again next semester.

He hasn’t gone in over a year, so when summer is over, he needs to go back so he doesn’t get too separated from his peers. He should be hitting High School, but he’s already two grades behind.

Though he’s the one with bad parents and a lot going on, I think I need him more than he needs me. Knowing I have to keep it together enough to make sure he has food and to check on him is helping me survive this. And the house isn’t empty. I can count on seeing him at some point each day, even if he only grumbles or frowns at me with annoyed eyes.

I shouldn’t try to make him stay for my own selfish reasons. He needs to be somewhere he can thrive, and I’m failing with that. He even went back to vaping, something Mom got him to stop.

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