Page 155 of Outspoken

Brody smirks, eyes shining with affection and love at Paige. I expect her to do the same, but she doesn’t. She takes Brody’s hand and fake smiles at him. I know that’s her fake smile because I helped her perfect it back when I took her to coffee shops so she could meet guys.

I get a sinking feeling.

Why is she fake smiling at my brother?

I push my worry aside for now. Whatever is happening with Paige, that’s not why I’m here. And she won’t open up to me even if I asked because Ihaveasked. Multiple times. She always deflects. I only hope she opens up to me soon because it’s eating at me. I’d give up all hope in love if the two of them ever broke up.

SheadoresBrody. She shouldn’t be fake smiling.

Brody sighs at me, taking a bite of chicken. “What’s up?”

I put a hand on my hip. “You’re not going to bitch about me barging in?”

“No point. You’ll keep doing it.”

“You’re right. I will.” I focus on Paige, who is fake smiling at me now. Seeing that stabs at my heart. “Hug?” I ask, opening my arms.

She shakes her head.

I drop my arms, the sinking feeling I’m trying to ignore refusing to go away. It’s strange that she hasn’t wanted hugs lately. I know it fluctuates and some days her skin is too sensitive and she needs her space, but it was never this much space in the past. We hugged more often. Another changed I can’t stop worrying about.

I point at her stuffed panda laying on the kitchen table. “Can I hug Bamsy?”

Paige nods, so I walk to the table and squeeze the plushie against my chest. He’s super soft.

Paige taps her phone, changing the voice to sound like a chipmunk.

Brody and I laugh.

“Sorry, Bamsy,” I tell the bear, sitting on an empty chair at the table. “Not trying to pancake you.”

“So what’s up?” Brody asks again, a little less annoyed.

My nose tingles as all of the emotions from today catch up to me. I wasn’t planning on coming here and starting the waterworks, but I never have intentions to cry in front of others. I’m like a geyser that erupts when you least expect it. And I’m amazed by how many tears my body holds. They’re infinite.

A tear falls onto Bamsy’s head before I can speak.

Brody drops his fork and it clinks on the plate. His face twists in concern. “Okay. What happened?”

“Nothing,” I say with a thick voice. “I mean, a lot happened today, but that’s not why I’m crying. I’m crying because everything is okay. Like, it’s just okay. My future has a lot of possibilities and I’m handling everything okay and feeling content. And I don’t remember when I’ve ever felt this way. I just needed to be here with you both.” I sniff. “Sorry for ruining dinner and porn time.”

Paige squeezes my forearm.

I laugh. “I’m always crying. That’s my baseline.”

“You sure everything is okay?” Brody asks suspiciously, pushing his plate aside.

“Yeah. Everything is actually okay.” I pet Bamsy a moment, getting my weepy thoughts together. I’m a bit overwhelmed by everything flowing through me, but what I need to say is important. “I want to apologize to both of you. I know I’ve said ‘I’m sorry’ a million times, but I really am so very sorry. I went through something today that made me really feel how much pain I’ve caused, how much I hurt and scared you both when I was hurt and scared, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I fall into sobs a moment, trying not to get Bamsy wet as I look with intensity at Brody and then at Paige. They both look uncertain that I’m actually okay, so I smile through the sobs. “These are happy tears. I swear. I just…Thank you both for not…not giving up on me even when I gave up on myself. I love you both.”

Paige’s concern softens and she looks ready to cry as she strokes my forearm.

Brody stands from his chair to hug my side, rubbing my shoulder. “Love you, but crying doesn’t make it seem like things are okay,” he says.

I nod, grabbing a paper napkin from the middle of the table and furiously wipe my face. Though the emotion came up, I don’t want to sit here sobbing into Paige’s plushie too long. There’s so much more to talk about. Since Paige and Brody are my family, they’re who I need to talk to.

“Alright,” I tell Brody, pushing him away and calming myself. “Sit back down. Can I talk to you both about something? A different topic.”

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