Page 18 of Outspoken

Right now, I pour all the love I have to give into caring for Mom. But when she's gone, then what? I worry more and more that I'll be a bachelor for the rest of my life, becoming bitter and closed-off when all I crave is to share something real with someone.

I stab a fork into my corn like a monster, then I work out a few pieces. I give the tiny bits a bitter chew. I’m turning 34 in a month, so I’m low on time. I don't want to be a tired old dad, and I also don't want a wife who is too young. I like women within five years of me so we have common perspectives, but I know it gets harder to conceive with age. As I age, so will the women I'm drawn to, and the chance of having my own kids will continue to dip.

I'm reaching the point of giving up—actually, I may have passed it. I've been dating casually, which isn’t like me. I have a bad habit of pushing for relationships when I shouldn’t, but these past twelve months I’ve lacked the motivation to even go on second dates.

My spirit is broken. Screwing up with Amber a year ago hit me too hard.

Johnny, another cousin, sits across from me and Rico at the concrete table. He’s a skinny dude, his clothes baggy and hanging off his skeleton frame.

He looks at how I'm moping and laughs. Then he asks Rico, “What's with him?”

“Women,” Rico comments. “He doesn't have anyone to propose to this week.”

Those within earshot laugh, and I glance over with a disapproving frown.

Rico elbows me. “Bro, don't worry about it. Women mess with your brain, anyway.”

“Even after you marry them,” Johnny adds.

They both laugh.

As the jokers continue to tease each other, I glance at Maribel. She's a few tables over, sticking candles in the cake. Daniel bounces on his heels, breathing down her neck. Maribel's husband, Steve, grabs Daniel and sweeps him away, hauling his son over his shoulder and then sitting him in a plastic chair on the grass.

Steve, a very vanilla, sweater-wearing dad with wire-rimmed glasses, kneels. He whips out a deck of cards to distract his son. Steve attempts a magic trick, fails, and then Daniel laughs. They smile at each other, a few rays of sun breaking through the overcast sky and making them glow.

A sharp pang stabs my chest so hard that I can feel it in my throat. I had hoped to have my own son or daughter by now so they could play with Maribel's kids. Not all dreams come true, I guess. I just wish it didn't sting so much.

I make a fist under the table.Why did I pick that moment to kiss Amber?It was spontaneous and passionate, just like I had imagined our first kiss would be, but it was bad timing. Then, because my brain is fucked and I always push things too far, I confessed my feelings like an idiota.

She wasn’t ready for that. I hadn’t been able to explain how we met six years ago at a party. Or that she’s wearing my jacket. Or why she has my jacket and doesn’t remember when we first met.

I tried four or five times to find a good opening to explain everything. If I had been able to do that, confessing my feelings would have landed softer. I believe in love at first sight, but I know she doesn't, so she needed more backstory. I'm sure she thinks I'm loco.

Maybe I should have found an opportunity much earlier to tell her—a few years earlier—but we haven’t been in each other’s lives. I was trying not to force the situation because when I push everything always falls apart. And Brody made me swear not to tell her about that night at the party, since he was the one who sent me there.

I had been keeping my distance from Amber and trying to get over my feelings, but then we bumped into each other at the hospital and ended up spending time together and…

I clench my fights tighter, my nails digging into my palms. I knew if I made one wrong move and pushed her, she’d cut me off. She has been on my mind so long that my heart was in chaos from suddenly being around her—holding her, comforting her, being the reason she smiled, flirting, messaging and hearing about her day. I got to laugh with her and share a dinner. By the time she made a move on me, I wasn’t thinking straight.

Now I’m blocked and any text I send goes undelivered. I’ve been lying low this past year—keeping my distance and getting stealthy updates about her through Brody. I'm good at slipping questions about his sister into casual convos without making him suspicious.

He told me Amber recently moved out. Now that Paige is free of the group home and living with Brody again, Amber wanted to give them privacy. She’s living a few homes down with a middle-aged woman named Jackie. She’s also going to school and dating.

My heart had trouble hearing that she's dating. Amber had told me she didn’t want a relationship, so if she is dating now and hasn’t reached out, I’m not even on her radar.

I’m happy she’s doing well because she deserves to get what she wants and achieve her goals. She deserves happiness. I only wish I was in the picture.

I shove a large chunk of a green chile tamale into my mouth as my body sags. I have to shake Amber from my system since she moved on, and I should give up my dream of having a wife and kids. I'm cursed with ruining relationships, so I'm throwing in the towel and making peace with the bachelor life that I hate.

At the mention of my younger cousin Angel, my focus shifts back to my family. My mom has two sisters and two brothers who were all born in Mexico City. Lupita, one of the sisters, eventually moved to the United States with her daughter and son. The daughter lives somewhere in Central Cali, and she is Angel's mother.

“What's going on with Angel?” I ask.

Rico raises his brows. “You didn't hear? I'm sure Maribel called your mom. Angel was with some kids who got arrested.”

I set my fork down, feeling uneasy. “Well, is he okay?”

“Yeah,” Rico says, but he doesn’t look happy. He shakes his head with a sigh. “The cops didn’t do anything to him ‘cause his friends all had priors. They let Angel off with a warning. Can you believe that? He should’ve gotten arrested. They were all riding in a stolen car—lots of booze in the backseat and drugs hidden in the trunk. His friend, who's eighteen, was driving, so he took the blame.” He glances at Johnny, who shares his frown. “I’m not fooled. I know Angel masterminded that shit. He's a little devil. He'd totally plot something like that just because he thinks it's funny. Fuckin’, who knows what to do with that kid?”

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