Page 81 of Outspoken

I force a smile, even as it feels like the ground is swallowing me. I don't want to talk about my problems. I don’t want to ruin the trip they’ve already paid for. I'm so fucking tired of talking about my moods and my swirling thoughts and my urges. I just need peace—a moment to breathe and forget.

I want Brody and Paige to have that too—some time away from me where they can focus solely on themselves. They deserve that.

“Hey, I’m completely okay,” I tell them, forcing my smile wider. “Just exhausted from school.” I look at Paige. “What are you most excited to see on your trip?”

She hesitates, studying me with concern and chewing on her curled hair. Finally, she taps her phone.

I smile—a genuine one—from thinking about how much she’ll enjoy how gorgeous the bridge is at night. “I've seen it once. You'll love it.”

She glances at Brody for a second and then back at me.

She turns her gaze back to Brody, her eyes questioning him. He looks conflicted—caught between taking care of his little sister and wanting a romantic trip with his girlfriend.

When she smiles at him, the conflict fades and his eyes sparkle at her. I'm sure he's thinking about what will make her happiest and that he could never go against it.

Part of me is touched. The rest is empty.God, they're so crazy in love with each other.

I'm all alone.

“Sure,” he says, glancing at me. “We have room for one more.”

“Uh, that's a nice sentiment,” I respond, “but no way do I want to share a hotel room with you two rabbits in heat.”

Paige laughs while Brody frowns.

“Plus,” I add. “I have work and school. The semester is over in about a month so…have to keep up with that.”

Not really, though.

Paige bounces on her toes.

“I'd rather not break it and owe you one.” I squint at the sky like the sun has moved in the five minutes we've been standing here. “Just go already before it gets any later. I'll see you when you get back. Send lots of pics.”

They're both still reluctant and not moving, so I roll my eyes. “Seriously. Go. I'm not a kid. I can take care of myself.” They don’t move, so I drop the mask to address what I know they’ve both been thinking about. “I, um…fine. Yes, I’ve been in a funk lately because of Miguel. He just…he was playing games and I hate that. I’ve been taking time to process what happened at the party because it was a mess.” It feels like too much is spilling out, so I hug my waist, trying to swallow the lump in my throat and failing. “Sorry, I’ve been so distant with you both. That's a bad habit of mine, but it’ll be different when you get back. I promise. But first, you have to go on your trip and have a really fun time, okay? Please do that for me.”

I sniff. It was a struggle to keep my voice steady because I haven’t admitted to anyone how much the drama with Miguel affected me.

Paige hugs me again and Brody looks pissed, like he might stop by Miguel’s on the way out of town for a 'chat'.

“Please,” I tell them, wiping my cheeks and stepping back. “It'll make me happy to know you two are off on your first vacation together. All I want is for you to have fun and come back with plenty of stories. Please just do that. I'll be fine.”

Brody runs a hand through his hair and relaxes. “Okay,” he says, finally looking less worried. “Call if you need anything and we’ll come right back.”

“Thanks, but don’t be dumb. Enjoy your trip.”

Paige gives me one final hug, and then Brody places his hand on her lower back, guiding her off the porch. I watch as they climb into Brody's car and then drive off to their adventure.

I exhale like I had been holding my breath the entire time, then I squint up at the clear blue sky.Finally.Brody and Paige are gone, and in a few days, Jackie and Frank will be away too. It’s as if the planets are aligning to give me the perfect opportunity to finally breathe in the only way I ever can.

I glance across the street at Frank, who is sitting on a lawn chair outside and sipping beer. He isn't usually outside this time of day. He's normally inside in his rocking chair, observing the neighborhood from a window.

He waves, so I walk over. He’s wearing his usual plain white shirt with faded blue jeans. The jeans have a few rips near the knees from too much use. His white hair is shaggy and thin, and he lifts a bushy eyebrow at me as I approach, the tan, leathery wrinkles of his aged skin creasing.

“Let me guess,” I say. “Brody told you to keep an eye on me?”

He nods, hiding his beer behind his foot like I'm so desperate for one that I'll lunge forward to grab it. It might be a considerate gesture, but it still makes me feel shitty. Brody asking everyone to 'keep an eye on me' all the time makes me feel shitty.

That kid, Angel, was completely right: No one sees when I say no.

---