Page 83 of Outspoken

It haunts his soul?The way he says things…Such a dork.

What leaves me so conflicted is that I can tell Miguel never has bad intentions. I know what he did was a lapse in judgment, and I know he cares for me, even if it's not love. His apology has eased my annoyance at him. Considering how familiar I am with hurting others by mistake, I’m not going to hold a grudge.

I might just be missing him now.

But even if I can forgive, I don’t know if I’m ready to see him. Or if we should be hanging out at all.

The first inkling of guilt seeps in for what I’m planning to do.

Doesn’t matter.I need this, and it’s hard to make others understand why. They don’t understand the cravings and the urges and the all-consuming need to escape.

Ignoring my guilt and the warm ache in my chest that Miguel’s message stirred, I open my chat thread to Ashley. Miguel is sweet, and it’s actually refreshing that he’s giving me his trust because that's all I want, but I’ve already decided—the wheels are already in motion.

It’s only one night. I’m not going to slip into relapse or go on benders or spiral into dark and scary moods. No one will know.

Just one night.

Chapter Twenty-One

Amber

MY RIDE SHARE STOPS IN front of a very quaint yet spacious single-story blue house that's glowing from the fading orange sunset. The house only has a few windows,but each one is edged with white trim. Ashley ranted about the huge backyard and pool, so I’m curious to see it even though I don’t want to swim.

Thanking the driver, I tuck my phone into a small black wristlet with my ID and step out of the car. Then I tug the hem of my dress down to cover my ass cheeks. I had decided to squeeze myself into my favorite pink wrap dress because I didn't have the heart to get rid of it, but since my butt is now so plump, I might end up accidentally flashing my thong a lot tonight.

Oh well.Fuck it.

My body buzzes with electricity as I smile. This feels good. Familiar. I already feel lighter and like my old self again—a huge relief after being so lost, stupidly sober, and boring for over a year. I prefer No Fucks Given Amber.

Fuck my extra padding, Mr. Williams, and work. Fuck sobriety. Fuck others constantly checking in on me because I’m a screw-up. Fuck. Everything.

I had messaged Ashley when I was a few minutes away, so she emerges from a side gate, wearing a simple black dress that hugs her bony frame. A large colorful mandala tattoo on one thigh dances as she hurries to me. I worry for her—the cocaine and whatever else she’s on is clearly wasting her away.

We hug and I try not to think about how brittle she feels—I try not to think about the damaging effects of drugs.

Just focus on your own escape.

She checks me out, touching my curls. “Oh my god,yes. Look at you!Thisis the Amber I know. Missed you so much.”

I missed me too.I take her hand, curling my freshly manicured fingers around hers. “Show me this pool and all the topless men. I assume we’re not staying here the whole night? I don't want to go home until breakfast.”

Grinning, she pulls me along. “Oh, there are plenty of places for us to visit tonight.”

We walk through the side gate to the backyard and I'm greeted by another familiar face.

“Destiny!” I squeal, rushing forward to hug her.

The last time I saw her, she had rows of braids down to her ass. Now, her hair is styled in an afro. She's wearing a ruffled lavender sleeveless top and a black skirt with heels, looking a bit classy for what I'm guessing will be a trashy college party.

“You look so cute,” I tell her.

She scrunches her nose, grinning. “So do you. What have you been up to?”

I roll my eyes, opening my mouth to respond when Ashley cuts in, taking each of our hands. “Drinks first,” she demands, pulling us deeper into the backyard. “We've got all night for gossip, ladies.”

Destiny and I shrug at each other and follow Ashley into the heart of the party. The gigantic backyard has a guest house, a lazy river pool, and two bubbling spas. There are also plenty of shirtless men walking around, along with bikini-clad women. There aren't as many people crammed into the backyard as I had expected, but it’s pretty early. I'm sure the party will pick up closer to ten.

We make our way to the tiki-themed outside bar on the patio.

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