Page 104 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

His tone is unflinching as he says, "You didn't ruin anything. You're perfect. This evening was perfect, and I loved this time with you."

"I'm far from perfect."

"Matter of opinion."

My heart aches because how does he always do this? How does he make me feel like everything is fine when all my baggage is clearly getting in the way?

"I'm not looking for things to have a certain ending," he continues. "Yeah, I say things when I'm horny, but I wasn't trying to pressure you. Did you feel that way?"

"No."

"Good. I'm just delirious because that's what you do to me. But there's no goal. Coming isn't that important."

I scoff. "Says no man ever."

He doesn't laugh. "I'm serious. I'm happy to share what we're sharing. This time with you is what's important to me. We don't have to finish a certain way or do anything that doesn't feel good. I'm still so fucking happy."

The conviction in his words makes me smile but my insides are sinking into a dark pit filled with snakes.

I've wilted on his lap, my head hanging low, so he says, "Hey. There's no rush."

"There is, though. We have a time limit. Mike comes back Tuesday. And I'm sure your company isn't going to keep giving me financial assistance, right?" He doesn't respond, so I peek up at him.

Sean's jaw ticks, then he runs his tongue over his teeth. "Don't worry about that."

"Why? Honestly, I can't afford this security and I can't afford a third month of rent. And you're only here a few more weeks. This also isn't what your job is supposed to be…"

"I told you, anything you need."

"I can't ask this of you. I can't ask you to stay when you're not getting paid."

His jaw ticks again and he opens and closes his mouth a few times like he's not sure what to say. Finally, he drops his gaze to the floor. "Is it that you can't? Or don't want to?"

Air stalls in my throat because I wasn't expecting that question. I wasn't expecting him towantto stay or to ask for validation that I want that too.

I do. I really, really want him to stay. But that's so much to ask. We're not a couple; I don't know if I can be a couple. He can't juststay here as my free-of-charge security because how's he going to pay his bills? What about his home? I think he lives in California, across the country. I can't just demand this man, with his own life, drop everything and move to Manhattan because I simply need more time with him.

That really is insane, and I'm not going to be so selfish.

"I'm sorry." I climb off his lap and fix my teddy so it's covering all of me. I undo his wrist and legs and walk toward the hallway.

"Londyn."

I turn slightly, not enough to look at him. "I need some time alone."

"Should I stay across the hall?"

"For now. But you can sleep on the couch again later, since that's safer." I don't linger; I walk down the hallway and shut my bedroom door.

I'm crying, but silently, the tears drying quickly on my cheeks. When I enter the bathroom, I lift the bottom of my teddy to expose my stomach. The puckered, wrinkled skin stares back at me—a patchwork of deep rose, pale pink, and various shades of tan where the cuts have healed.

I don't believe Sean. I don't believe he can see me as perfect. Or be happy withthis.

Or want to stay.

Chapter 33

LONDYN

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