Page 105 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

THE CLACK OF COMPUTER KEYS is gentle background music in the quiet office. It's just me and Maria today, along with our boss. My fingers hover over the keyboard as I try to focus on the expense report that's due next week, but my mind keeps wandering off-stage.

It's been four days since Sean and I, well, since the weekend when everything was beautiful and terrifying and perfect and broken. Four days of avoiding his gaze, along with quick hellos and quicker goodbyes as I slipped in and out of my apartment for work. Four days of longing for someone I know I can't keep.

Mike returned Tuesday, looking refreshed and happy. He had hickeys scattered across his neck that were barely hidden under his shirt collar. When I first noticed, I had to bite back a grin; it's sweet really, all that evidence of his wife's love andtheir passionate reunion. It's physical proof that he belongs to someone and someone belongs to him.

But his return also brought plenty of side looks. His eyes are constantly shifting between Sean and me, searching for clues in our body language and in the words we don't say. He knows something has changed. There's an undercurrent flowing between me and Sean that wasn't there when he left.

If only Mike understood how the undercurrent is dragging me down.

I fidget in my chair, adjusting my position for the fifth time in six minutes. My body feels different since this weekend. It's more sensitive and 'awake.' Besides just enjoying the intimacy, I experienced the thrill of performing again. I let someone see me, actually see me, and the rush of it brought new life, like I've finally expelled years of stale air and can breathe again.

All morning, I've been sneaking glances at the security camera mounted in the corner of the office. Sean isn't behind it of course, only the building's security team, but I can't stop myself from fantasizing.

I miss his eyes on me, and I know it's my fault that they're gone.

I lean back in my chair just as Josh saunters in. It's already noon, but sometimes I split my day between home and office. He could've gotten lonely or bored and decided to finish the day here.

Maria waves and I give him a polite smile. Then I pretend to go back to work. My fingers only rest on the keyboard, unmoving, because I'm flashing back to my performances for Sean.

They were fun, but it's not like I can actually go back to performing. The sadness I felt leaving Hollywood six years ago is right back on the surface, and I'm once again weighed down by how much I've lost. The void is now a world-devouring emptiness since I gave myself a taste of that old life.

I'm mourning a career I was forced to walk away from and a passion that defined me.

Soon, I'll be mourning Sean too.

Only two more weeks until this additional month of security is up. Then I'll tell him he needs to go because it's unfair to expect anything else. What can I possibly offer? A relationship where he has to move at a snail's pace? Where sex might suddenly send me into a buried-alive panic attack?

That's not fair to him, and I won't string him along.

I certainly can't have him as my bodyguard if he's not getting paid. He has his own life. A career, plans, dreams that have nothing to do with babysitting a broken actress.

For once, I'm actually praying to be stalked. I've been at the office every day this week, partly to escape the tension in the apartment and partly because Mike and Sean thought my stalkers might reappear finally. Mike and Sean are waitingoutside right now, scanning the streets for suspicious men in navy baseball caps.

I click the save button on my spreadsheet. If Sean and Mike can find them, figure out what they want, and get evidence of their threat, this will all wrap up nicely before their contracts end.

Movement of someone approaching my cubicle catches my eye, and I tense immediately, my pulse spiking before I glance up.

It's only the new-ish guy, Josh. Tall, lanky, harmless Josh with his perpetually wrinkled shirts and collection of Star Wars ties. Today's tie features tiny Chewbaccas.

"Hey," he says, stopping at a respectful distance from my desk. "Sorry to bug you, but do you have any staples? I ran out and the supply closet is empty."

I exhale slowly, willing my heart rate to settle.It's just Josh."Sure, no problem." My hand shakes a little from the receding adrenaline as I pull open my drawer to retrieve a box. "Here you go."

"Awesome. Thanks." Josh takes the small box and smiles. "How's the Wilson account? I heard Sandra might be handling the billing from now on."

I nod, giving him a polite smile. Some days he's a little chatty. "Yeah, that's what I heard too. Should make things easier."

"Tell me about it. Last month's invoicing was a nightmare." He tucks the staples into his shirt pocket, right behind the coffee stain. "Well, thanks. Are you going to be in-office for the meeting tomorrow? Or virtual?"

"I'll be here. You?"

He laughs. "Well, I might stay at home. Those meetings are so boring. Getting to wear pajama bottoms helps me deal."

I laugh as Josh walks away. He has a point.

I turn back to my computer.That was interesting.I was tense, yes, but not panicked. Not frozen in place or desperately searching for exits. I was simply participating in a normal workplace conversation with a male coworker and everything was fine.

I guess that's called progress.

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