Page 45 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

Sean, who got me the booth, who has been working hard to make me feel comfortable, and who saved me from a scary situation that was spiraling out of control.

Sean, whose face my broken brain keeps superimposing with The Director's.

Why can't I see Sean and not a ghost?

A sharp melody pulls me from the memory. My phone. I fish it out of my purse to find a message from Mike.

Mike:You okay? You inside?

Me:Yes, I'm home.

Mike:Across the hall if you need me.

I let his words sink into my nerve endings as I try to recover from the entire, triggering evening. Knowing he's there helps a lot. After what Sean did, I know Marcus won't even try to text, which is fantastic because I never want to speak to that asshole again. But my heightened brain keeps trying to play out scenarios where he figures out where I live, breaks in, and does things The Director did.

But that won't happen. Not with Mike watching everything and keeping me safe.

Sean will be watching too, if he doesn't hate me now.

I drag myself toward the bathroom. I need hot water lapping around me, and I need to rinse away this evening and the memories of Marcus's hands invading my space.

The bath fills slowly, steam rising in lazy curls that remind me of the fog that used to roll in over the California coastline. Another life. Another Londyn, one known as 'Elle.'

I undress and then sink into the hot water, letting it slosh against my collarbone as I lean back against the cool porcelain. The warmth seeps into my muscles, helping me slowly melt like chocolate into warm milk.

My mind clears a little more. And as I come down from the panic onto solid ground, I ease into a feeling of gratitude, tangled with shame.

Sean saved me. He appeared exactly when I needed him, dealt with Marcus quickly, and I… I treated him like he was the bad guy. He looked so hurt and confused.

He didn't deserve my reaction. Not when all he did was protect me.

I close my eyes, trying once again to separate the image of Sean from The Director because they're nothing alike. The Director's violence was casual and possessive; he was a man used to taking what he wanted. Sean's was protective and controlled; it was a shield, not a weapon.

If Sean hadn't been there… if I'd gone on that date alone…

A shiver runs through me despite the hot water. Marcus wasn't violent, but he ignored my signals and pushed past my boundaries. How far would he have gone if Sean hadn't intervened?

I sink into the water until only my nose and upper head are above the surface. I blow a few bubbles as a way of expelling all the misguided hope I felt before my date. I think I'm done with dating. At least attempting to date strangers I meet online. I'm clearly not ready. Maybe I'll never be ready, regardless of how lonely and sexually frustrated I am.

I still long for reclamation, to take back my life and body as my own, but there are these stubborn bits of my trauma refusing to let go. That was the reason I decided to take a break from therapy last year. My therapist was so amazing and helped me process so much, but then I hit a major internal wall and decided to go about my life and see how things evolved.

Life actually started to feel neutral, with less crying and less triggers. The idea of dating felt good.

Then the whole coffee shop incident happened and I've felt like I've been falling ever since.

No more dating. I should focus on other things right now, anyway, like whether or not I have a stalker. If I have one, I'll need to pack up my life again, so what's the point of trying to meet guys? I might need to flee the city tomorrow.

If I ever try to date again—a massive 'if'—it needs to be different. Maybe a speed dating event where other people are around. Or I need to actually make some female friends in the city who could join me. Double dates. Public spaces only. Daylight hours.

I can't be alone with a man unless I know, with absolute certainty, that I can trust him.

Like Sean.

I trust him now more than ever because he didn't hesitate. He didn't question. He just saw I needed help and acted.

He even broke Marcus's finger! I should be horrified, but it actually makes me grin. That jerk won't be grabbing anyone else anytime soon.

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