Page 57 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

"Sorry," I mumble.

This longing in me seriously needs to stop.

Sean takes a deep swallow, his Adam's apple bobbing in a throat I suddenly want to trace with my tongue.

Does strength have a flavor?

"Don't be sorry," he says, his voice dropping half an octave. His eyes briefly flick to my mouth, though he tries to hide it and quickly glances at my book.

It's too late, though, because now I'm wondering: is he feeling this pull too?

Is he thinking of kissing me?

When I check in with myself, I'm not scared of the thought. Kissing him would be nice.

Suddenly, I'm hyperaware of my body—the pulse throbbing at my wrist, the flush creeping down my neck as my breathing changes tempo. I've been trying so hard to rebuild my sense of safety that I never considered what would happen when I felt safe enough to want.

And I dowant. Yet I don't know if my psyche can actually handle what my body is demanding.

Sean stiffens and leans away from me as he glances up at the security camera.

I've been so lost in my little obsessive Sean-bubble that I didn't realize: Is Mike watching all this?

My fever drops and I'm left cold and anxious. Sean works for me. He's here to protect me, not desire me. The power dynamics are all wrong, aren't they?

I force a grin, eager to remove this new, unsettled energy between us. "Why don't we talk about your book? You can spoil the ending. I might not read it anyway."

He opens his book slowly like he's groggy from waking up and trying to concentrate. "Sure. It's… about this detective who gets pulled into investigating a series of murders that seem random but…"

He drones on a bit robotically, his voice flatter than normal. I turn my head so I can't look at him and risk any wild inappropriate fantasies.

"...and the twist is that his partner had been the killer all along, working to frame him for the murders." Sean closes the book and stares at it.

Everything feels too awkward between us now, so I quickly ask, "Did it have a satisfying ending?"

"Yeah. It was pretty well done." He glances at the security camera again.

I should end this. I need time to process emotions and sensations, and Sean's mood has dropped so maybe he needs to think about stuff too.

I jump to my feet. "I'm actually not feeling that great. I think I'm going to head to bed early."

Whatever heavy rain clouds that had accumulated over Sean suddenly get ignored as his voice tightens with concern. "You okay? Do you need anything? Medicine?"

I shake my head, already moving toward the door and creating distance between us that's needed but also disappointing. "No, I just need to rest. Sorry to cut this short. I really liked our book club and I'm glad you suggested it."

He moves past me with that fluid grace that now makes my skin prickle with awareness. "I liked it too." He unlocks the door. "Same time next week?"

Yes!I want to blurt out, but I should take a moment to think about this.

More time alone with Sean? My libido might explode.

I attempt a teasing smile, not ready to commit to another book club meeting yet. "You'll probably have read half my collection by then."

"Probably, yeah."

We share a moment of warm eye contact, of smiling, of me imagining how I might grip his firm shoulders while his body covers mine and his mouth and hands claim every inch of me.

Thoughts that are one hundred percent normal but also terrifying.

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