Page 59 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

Sean isn't the man who violated me. He isn't Marcus. He's not like men who've made me feel small or unsafe or used.

He's sweet. He sees my anxiety and doesn't dismiss it. He dyed his hair blue just so I could look at him without being triggered.

Would he understand if I told him everything? The full, ugly truth?

Or does that cross too many boundaries? A bodyguard isn't supposed to getthatclose.

"I want to… explore," I finally tell Raven. "I can't keep living like this. I need that part of myself back." My fingers trace circles on the cool bathroom counter. "Or, I want to discover myself for the first time. But, he is my hired security."

She cocks her head and gives me a pinched look. "So?"

I scoff at her because I know she's a rule-breaker. "So, it's… well, you're just not supposed to do that."

"Says who?"

"Bosses. What if I get him fired?"

She shrugs. "Only if those bosses find out."

I guess she's right. I also don't know who his bosses are. Does he check in with someone at NexaProtect? Or since he's 'elite' do they just trust him to do his job?

"Hey, love," Raven says, moving even closer so I can practically see her nose hairs. "I want you to explore too. And have loads of fun. But I worry about you going too fast. Is there a way to test it? Try a little bit and see how it goes?"

"Like what?"

"Nothing big. Touch his arm next time you're having a yarn. Stand closer than normal. See how he responds, but more importantly, see howyoufeel. If you get panicky, back off. If it feels good, do a little more."

I blink at my reflection. My stunned, blank eyes show me I'm still deep in processing mode. "That makes sense. Go slow. Test the waters. See if I can handle even that much."

"Yah got it. Baby steps. You've come so far, and I'm so proud of you. But there's no rush, yeah?" Someone calls to her from offscreen, and Raven glances over her shoulder. "Sorry, break is over. Update me soon, 'kay?"

"I will. Thank you."

She winks and the call ends.

Silence rushes in to fill the vacuum left by her sunny presence. I set my phone down and just stare at my reflection for a while.

Baby steps. That makes sense, and I can definitely do that.

The major problem is that those steps lead somewhere, and if I dig deep and really explore my emotions, there's a fear I haven't yet acknowledged. It runs deeper than my concerns of freaking out or pushing myself too far, too fast.

He won't want me.

Let's say I test the waters and everything goes well. Let's say we kiss and I enjoy it, and I let his hands explore, and I don't feel uncomfortable or triggered. Let's say we cruise on past second base and start taking off clothes.

That's when everything will stop and I'll get rejected.

Sean won't want to see me naked. If I show him everything, I can't imagine him wanting to be intimate after that.

I start undressing in the bathroom, watching myself in the mirror, as I try to imagine how Sean might react if we ever make it this far. His hand will tease the hem of my shirt, inching up to get closer to my bra. But I'll stop him, pushing his hands down. "Not yet," I'll say, wanting to enjoy his touch just a bit longer before he's too disgusted to continue.

He'll give me that sexy, lopsided smirk and tease the hem of my jeans instead. He'll undo the button. Unzip. I'll wiggle out of them and expose my panties. That's all fine. It'll be fine even if my panties come off.

He'll be eager by then, sliding his fingers through my folds. Exploring, teasing, enjoying. I'll enjoy it too. There's plenty offun to have with just my panties off, and maybe that'll be enough. Or maybe he'll want more. Maybe he'll want to run his tongue over my nipples and pull moans from my throat.

Somehow, my shirt will come off.

He'll stop cold and everything will end and I'll see that look of horror and "I changed my mind" in his gaze.

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