Page 61 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

I love his eyes on me.

I keep imagining him on the other side of that camera, lounging in the metal chair looking relaxed yet always alert. Just observing. Seeing me.

What if I decided to perform for him? Would a spark of passion thrum underneath his skin? Would he get excited and let his hand drop to his thigh? Would he stroke himself?

I haven't had such sinful thoughts about anyone in so long that I feel like a woman possessed. A buzzing, sexy feeling keeps growing in my core, and I've been getting lost more and more in fantasies. I know there are huge barriers, but they don't stop the ache.

I stand again and stretch my body, then my legs carry me around the small living room in tight circles. I pause beside my bookshelf, fingers trailing over spines. I actually finished most ofthe quantum consciousness book. I'm getting bored of it though. I need another one, but I'm so indecisive.

I return to my desk, glancing back up at the monitor after I sit.

I can't believe they've already been here three weeks. Just two more and then Sean's contract ends. Then I'll be alone with all of this overwhelming desire and no one to help me feel safe. Even if they confirm that I don't have a stalker, once Mike and Sean leave, I'm sure my brain will only create another paranoia that'll keep me indoors.

Will this ever end?

I turn back to my laptop, telling myself that Mike is on duty right now so I should stop fantasizing about Sean and just focus on work.

Three hours later, I've somehow finished the expense report. My boss will definitely find errors. But my workday is finally done so I can stop battling with my attention.

I want to see him. I need an excuse. Something casual and normal so he doesn't sense how obsessive I'm becoming.

Books. Books are our connection and our mutual territory.

I scan my shelves again with a new purpose, looking for anything he may not have read. My fingers hover over a slim volume oflove poems. Is that too intimate? Maybe, but this is one of the few books I've actually finished.

It's decided.

I clutch the hardcover to my chest and leave my apartment. I knock softly on Mike and Sean's door, three gentle taps that feel loud in the quiet hallway.

When the door opens, I'm immediately disappointed to find Mike there. I mean, there's nothing wrong with Mike because he's a sweet guy. He's just not Sean. Will I be disappointed with all men in the world now because they'renotSean? That's how strong this attraction has become.

"Hey there!" Mike's warm, dad-energy smile usually brings me comfort, but right now it only amplifies the ache in my chest. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, um..." I hold up the book awkwardly, words suddenly tangled in my throat. "I just thought Sean might like this. For our, uh, book club."

Mike's smile doesn't falter as he holds out his hand. "He's out grabbing dinner, but I can give it to him."

I squeeze the book tighter; my plan so far is backfiring. "Is it okay if I wait?"

It's then that I notice a tightness around Mike's blue eyes. He's always so friendly and warm that this discovery is jarring. Does he not want me here? He gives an even tighter smile and steps back to let me in. "Sure."

I hesitate, then walk inside. The apartment mirrors mine in layout but feels drastically different. It's mostly bare except for a couch and TV, along with security equipment dominating one corner. There's the lingering emptiness of something that's only temporary.

Temporary.

Sean is only temporarily in my life and that thought haunts me between heartbeats. The countdown until our contract ends feels like watching the fuse burn on something important I've only just discovered.

How silly is that? Getting attached to my security guard? I'm paying him to be here, to notice me, to care about my safety. Yet here I am, aching at the thought of his absence like a child losing their favorite blanket.

Mike gestures to a chair beside a card table they've set up as a dining area.

"So…" I perch on the edge of the chair, turning the book in my hands. "How's your family?"

He sits across from me. The cautious angle of his shoulders opens up and he straightens; this is his favorite subject. "Oh,wonderful. Mona loves community work, so she took the boys to volunteer at a pet adoption event. They had a blast. Though Noah threw a tantrum when he wanted one particular dog and Mona said no. I agree. It's not the time for a dog, but I think when the boys are older."

"What about an older dog? I had one growing up and she was my little best friend."

"If the boys help take care of it, sure. But we don't trust them." He laughs. "Both of them space out so much and forget things. They're like old men already."

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