Page 8 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

The duality isn't lost on me: I don't like being watched, but I also do. In my life Before, I spent so many years performingfor others, on stage and behind a camera. I loved the camera. I adored the audience. And I think they both loved me.

In my life After, I'd rather not be noticed by anyone, especially men. I don't think a performer's spirit ever dies, so part of me still craves it. But I'll never act again, never be in the spotlight.

My life depends on it.

Still… I like the security cameras and the people behind them. That's the one exception to my aversion.

As I'm blowing my nose into a tissue, a DM pops up on my personal laptop, the one I keep open next to my work monitor. It's from Raven, and my heartbeat settles from seeing her name.

We met three years ago on a random comment thread. All my social media profiles are private and I rarely leave comments. But there was a post about a kitten and dog snuggling together, so I could resist just saying 'Adorable!' Raven responded with:ADORABLE is right! Honestly, this is the kind of thing that restores my wonder.

That night, I'd been hit with a wave of loneliness and craved just a little friendly interaction. I vetted her profile, skimming through her posts and comments. Once I determined she was just a fun 20-something woman enjoying her life, I responded:I know what you mean. There's something so pure about animals. Your photos from Australia look amazing, by the way!

We kept chatting in the comments until I finally DM'ed her. I was cautious at first, taking it slow, but she was so warm and friendly that I was able to open up more and more over the months until we developed a wonderful friendship.

Honestly, I don't know where my mental health might be without her.

I glance at the time; it's almost four. She's probably just waking up in Melbourne, ready to start her day as mine approaches its end. The time difference works for us because she's always there when I need her most, which is in the evenings.

RavenMad:Morning, Lonny! Or evening. How're you, love?

I smile, my fingers moving to the keyboard. Raven doesn't know who I was in the past. She just knows me as I am now—a bit reserved, tons of paranoid, mostly okay with living my simple existence as a ghost.

Though lately, I've been feeling the pressure of my 'aloneness' and considering a few changes.

Londyn83:Hello to you too. I'm… eh. How are you?

RavenMad:And what is eh? I'm great. Drinking a cuppa by the beach. Went for a super early run and now I'm tired haha

Londyn83:I love the beach. Send pics?

Almost immediately, pictures flood the screen. I study each one with the hunger of someone starved for beauty and normalcy. The first shows turquoise waves lapping at golden sand, morning sun casting long shadows across the beach. The second is a selfie with Raven's wild curls catching the breeze, her freckled face beaming at the camera, coffee cup raised in a toast. Her mouth even looks like it's forming the words 'cheers, mate.'

She's completely obsessed with social media and shares several posts throughout the day like it's her job. She wishes it was her job, but she actually works as a server.

RavenMad:The water's gorgeous. Think I saw a dolphin!

I trace my finger across the screen, feeling a pang of something between envy and longing. Her freedom is breathtaking. No fear of being out in the open with very few people around. No worries about posting so much about her life. No mental restraints keeping her from doing things she loves. Just... living.

Londyn83:Super gorgeous. You're living a dream. Save some happiness for the rest of us mortals.

RavenMad:Ha! I'll trade places. Your city's a ripper while mine's a tourist trap.

Londyn83:But you've got SPACE. And sunshine. And apparently, dolphin bodyguards.

RavenMad:They're rubbish bodyguards. Keep swimming off when I need them.

I smile, picturing her sitting there with sand between her toes, completely at ease in her skin. Raven's ability to take up space so confidently in the world is beautiful. She's the opposite of a wallflower. More like an entire garden demanding to be noticed.

I used to be that way, back when I was ignorant to the way the world operates.

RavenMad:Anyway, you're dodging. Why are you "eh"? And don't say you're fine! I can read your ehs from across the planet.

My hands hover over the keyboard. Raven has this uncanny ability to sense when I'm holding back. It's pointless to deflect because she'll just keep circling back until I cave in and spill my guts. She's relentless that way, but it's one of the things I love about her.

Londyn83:Oh, just the typical, everyday paranoia. Had an incident yesterday morning.

RavenMad:What kind of incident? Are you okay?

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