Page 86 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

Raven remains silent, giving me space to process. The memory of Sean sitting beside me on the couch plays again. His eyes heldsuch vulnerability as he told me about Wunmi; his strong hands trembled slightly. I yearned to comfort him and ease that pain I recognized so well. And beneath that, a current of desire pulsed, one that has been building since his blue hair first touched my heart.

Our first kiss was like stepping into sunlight after years in a cave. Gentle. Warm. Safe.

So I pushed myself, pushed him for more, thinking it would all continue to be wonderful.

"The first kiss was like something from a movie," I say. "But when he was above me, suddenly it wasn't Sean anymore. It was the man from my past. I was back there, pinned down, and I couldn't breathe."

"Oh, sweetie."

"I tried, Raven. I really tried to stay present, to remember it was Sean. My body was saying yes, but then my brain just…" I press my fingers against my sternum, feeling the rapid flutter of my heart. "The terror became so overwhelming. And I worried he might not stop if I asked."

But Sean did stop. He immediately stopped. He didn't question or argue or try to tell me to 'relax' or anything else. The moment I saidstop, he was on his feet, giving me space. The contrast between him and The Director couldn't be more stark.

And still, I spiraled.

"After I freaked out, everything gets blurry," I say. "I think I was babbling about clothes and parties and—" A realization hits me and I feel sick to my stomach. "Oh god, I think I basically told him about my assault."

Raven's eyebrows lift, squishing the freckles on her forehead. "Did you tell him directly?"

"No, but Sean is very observant. Like, scary observant." I pull a pillow to my chest, hugging it tightly. "I'm sure he figured it out. The look on his face… there was so much anger."

"Good," Raven says firmly. "Because if he wasn't angry about what happened to you, I'd fly over there right now and kick his arse."

I give her a tiny smile. "Well… he knows my truth regardless. Now he'll always see me as damaged goods. Everything will be different." I swallow hard, trying not to cry again.

I don't want things to be different between us.

I want more of him close to me.

Raven shakes her head. "Or maybe he'll see you as the incredibly strong, resilient woman you are. The woman who survived something horrific and is still working to heal and be happy." She pauses, considering her next words. "Love, I think you need to talk to him. Not just give him hints. Be upfront about it, as much as you're comfortable sharing, and say exactly what youneed from him to feel safe. The way you talk about him… he sounds like a good bloke. He'll listen."

"There's still a chance it ends badly. What if he doesn't want me after knowing?" The fear that's been lurking beneath all others finally surfaces and I can no longer shove it down.

Should I really tell him the details?

"Then he's not the man you thought he was and you move on," Raven says simply. "But, truly, I think it'll be great."

She's right, of course. In the brief glimpse I had of Sean's face before I sent him away, there was no disgust, no judgment, only concern and a rage I recognized wasn't directed at me.

Still… the dread is invasive.

"Okay, but I need some time to think over my words." I don't have to tell him details, only something. It'll at least explain why the news outlets all said I was in rehab; The Director fabricated that story.

Raven's expression shifts and her forehead crinkles in concern. "I could come visit. Be there in person."

The suggestion catches me off guard, but it makes me happy. Her willingness to drop everything for me is so amazing. "You'd do that?"

"Yeah! No worries. I'll book a flight right now."

"Your work never gives you time off."

She shrugs. "I'll tell 'em to rack off. I've been thinking about quitting."

"Don't do that for me. Really, I'm so touched you would offer but with the whole stalker thing… It's a lot. I don't want to worry about you coming here and something happening."

Her amber eyes flash wide. "Like what? Is it that serious? Then it sounds like Ineedto be there."

I backpedal quickly, realizing my mistake. I haven't shared everything with her because I don't want her to stay up at night worrying. "No, no, it's not that serious. Sean and Mike are handling it, and they said there hasn't been any sign of someone following me." The lie tastes awful, but the last thing I need is Raven putting herself at risk. "I only meant that it's stressful, but I'm not sure someone's really stalking me. I'll be fine, I promise. Don't upend your life. Though, someday I do want to hang out in person. I'd rather come to you where we can spend time on the sunny beaches."

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