Page 89 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

As if the mention of yesterday makes Sean suddenly aware of how much skin he's exposing, he steps back. "Yeah, but I understand. Just a sec."

He retreats to his bedroom, returning moments later wearing a black t-shirt that clings to the damp parts of his torso. His hands slide back into his pockets.

"It's okay that you wanted me to stop," he says. "I can only guess at why. If I had known, I wouldn't have been…" His eyes drop to the floor, searching for words that won't cause damage. "Aggressive. I feel like complete shit for upsetting you."

I shake my head quickly, his suggestion making me queasy. "No, I wouldn't say you were aggressive. What you did was perfectly normal. I mean, I asked you to…" The words stick in my throat, forcing me to clear it. "I thought I was ready to handle that level of… desire. I wasn't. So I'm sorry for freaking out."

"Don't apologize for that." The heaviness in his sigh fills the room as his hands shift in his pockets. I can see the outline of his fists forming. "Ever since we met, I've been startling youor scaring you in one way or another. I fucking hate doing that. I hate seeing you upset. And I feel like the world's biggest asshole."

The raw pain in his eyes propels me forward to close the distance. "Oh my god, no, please don't think that. You're not anywhere near being an asshole. I feel safe aroundyou, Sean. I mean that. You're the first man to make me feel this way in so long. It's just my body. And my head. They get confused and slip into the past, and I have trouble stopping them. But that's not what I actually want. I want… you."

Tears begin forming, blurring the edges of my vision as I touch on something I've desperately tried to keep hidden. "Please, it's not you. It's always me. I didn't tell you about my past, so how would you have known?"

He needs to know,I keep reminding myself.

Just say it and face his reaction.

"I, um, I think you already understand, but… a man… I was… a man raped me." I choke on a sob right after the words are out, like it was just waiting to punctuate my truth. "The Director. He did… really disgusting things to me."

Sean's composure cracks like glass, his controlled stillness crumbling as a tremor runs through his shoulders. His eyes darken with a fury and pain so profound that the purple-blue of veins beneath his skin add shadows to the edges of his features, transforming them into something savage. His jaw tightens, amuscle pulsing like a heartbeat. There's so much primal, naked emotion on his face that I have to look away.

While I can't yet determine if he'll see me as a broken woman with too many scars, I can see that it's upsetting him to know I was violated.

The floodgates are wide open now. I might as well be completely honest, now that I've come this far. I also wonder what it will feel like to finally tell someone. To get the darkness out.

I force my tears to stay down long enough for me to get these words out. "It was six years ago. He… Alan Miller was always inviting me out places. He said he had connections, he could get me bigger roles. I felt pressured because others around me were saying how fun he was, and wonderful, how he really could take my career to new heights. So I went out with him a few times to different parties. It was always platonic on my end. He made passes at me sometimes and tried to flirt, but I politely declined. He seemed okay with it. He wasn't weird with me on set. And even though I told him I didn't want to date, he actually helped me get a role in a movie that won a Sundance award. I started to believe everything was okay and that what people said about him was true. That he was a good guy."

My throat constricts like it's trying to stop what comes next in my story, but I won't let it. It's time I speak my truth. "After we wrapped the third season of my sitcom, he was excited to take his 'star' somewhere special. He said it was an exclusive party only VIPs could attend. It was a privilege to go, he said. I felt uneasy, but he'd been a decent guy up to that point, so I went.But something felt really wrong as soon as I stepped into that mansion."

Sean's jaw is pulsing again.Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.His features are even darker and more menacing, but I know it's not directed at me.

I clear my throat.God, this is the hardest part.

Deep breaths.

"Um, I don't know how to describe it. On the surface, it seemed like any Hollywood party I'd been to. There were drugs. Drinking. Some recognizable celebrities. Some flashes of skin. But everything felt… sharper, if that makes sense. The people there weren't just confident and wealthy. They had an untouchable power. Like they were all Gods among mortals. I wanted to leave immediately, but Alan kept finding ways to make me stay. He wanted me to meet someone or he started talking about season four and asking for my opinion on character arcs. I finally needed space, so I slipped away to find the bathroom." I touch my throat as I clear it again. The emotion is growing unbearably thick and my heart is pounding so much I feel faint, but I'm almost through this. Just a few more lines.

"It was a maze and I clearly looked lost. Some woman finally took my arm and said she knew exactly what I was seeking. I said, 'Oh, you know where the bathroom is?' and she laughed. She started leading me somewhere. After a flight of stairs and a few long hallways, she pushed me into a room that was actually a small auditorium with a stage. There were… there were nakedmen and women on stage being auctioned off. I immediately turned around and fled. Who expects something like that to exist? It wasn't a show or a charity event where people bid on dates. It was people actually getting bought and sold against their will. I could tell by their terrified faces and the men standing off stage pointing guns at them."

More pulsing from Sean's jaw, but he's remaining very composed otherwise. Though still very murderous-looking.

"I ran through hallway after hallway until I finally found the main area with the party. Alan spotted me and asked what happened. I told him everything but he didn't seem shocked. He only nodded and frowned. He said…" I bite back a sob.Almost done."He said, 'Oh, Elle. I didn't want you to see that, sweetheart. Why didn't you stay by my side?' Then I felt a sharp pinch on my thigh. It's so fuzzy now, but I think he poked me with a needle. I got so confused and dizzy. I wanted to puke. I felt him taking me somewhere, then I must've passed out. When I woke… I, um… I was chained to a bed. But it wasn't a normal bedroom. It had brick walls and no windows." My efforts to stop the tears are failing and my words are soaked in them. "I was… in there so long… six days… and what he did… I just can't say it." Words spill out fast before they get flooded. "I thought I would die in there, but he let me go. He dropped me off home. I couldn't leave my apartment. I was too scared. A week later, these men broke in and beat me and said they'd kill me if I didn't leave California. So I left. I left my entire life and my passion for acting, and I moved here."

I finally let the tears out, sobbing, but my words aren't done. I surprise even myself as they keep spilling out. "I'm just sotired. I'm tired of… this shit of reliving that nightmare because I want… want to move on. I don't want to feel so anxious all the time… scared of strangers on the street. I don't want these stupid reactions. I… I pushed myself with you. Because… because I want to feel normal and be intimate, but... even with you, I couldn't… I couldn't be normal…"

With all the words finally out, I hunch over. Everything crumbles—my composure, my strength, my hope. I'm sobbing openly now, years of bottled pain pouring out in front of the one person I've allowed close enough to see it.

After what feels like an eternity, I finally glance up at Sean.

That edgy vengeance that had taken over his face is gone, replaced by warm tones and eyes that are softly open to witness me fully. A tear slips silently down his cheek. His arms twitch at his sides, his voice achingly tender. "Can I hold you?"

I wipe at my face, trying to calm myself enough to speak. "I want that in my heart. I'd really like it, but the rest of me…" Another sob threatens to rise, and I swallow it down forcefully. "I don't know how I'll react right now. If I'll feel triggered. This is why I'm so frustrated. Because I would like you to hold me, but…"

Sean nods with the same gentle expression. He extends one hand toward me, palm up, fingers slightly curled. "What about this?"

I stare at his offering—his strong, open hand suspended in the space between us. I think of how I've held it a few times now,how solid and warm it felt. How safe I feel from just his fingers wrapped around mine like armor.

Slowly, I reach out, my fingers shaking slightly as they hover over his. I let my hand descend until our palms meet, and his fingers gently close around mine. The contact is an immediate warmth up my arm and into my chest. It spreads through all of me, even down to my toes. The tears retreat a little, as if just this simple hand-holding is enough to soothe them into hibernation. My entire body melts.

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