Page 9 of Ugly Beautiful Scars

I glance around my nearly empty office space. Josh stands to stretch his back and adjust his Star Wars tie, which is filled with tiny Yodas. He catches my gaze and gives me a goofy grin. He's been working here for five months and hasn't yet given up on being friendly with me, unlike my other coworkers.

He seems nice but I don't smile back. I sink lower behind my cubicle wall.

Londyn83:I was getting coffee yesterday morning and thought a guy was watching me. He wasn't, but I panicked and ran out. Almost maced an innocent couple. Then there was a guy who felt like a stalker. I'm sure I was seeing things, but I keep thinking about him.

I wait, watching the little dots pulse as she types.

RavenMad:That sounds scary! He was following you?

Londyn83:I don't know. Probably not. He was just looking at me strange. Or I was overreacting. Just my brain being my brain, you know. This is a crowded city.People look at strangers all the time and it doesn't mean anything. I'm delusional.

I'm trying to brush it off, but my chest tightens just remembering that man. I'm sure he was only a normal guy going about his day, not evil at all, but danger doesn't have to be real for my past fears and worries to get activated.

RavenMad:If your instincts said he was bad, he could've been and I'm happy you're safe.

I appreciate her validation even though my paranoia doesn't deserve it.

Londyn83:Thanks. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between actual danger and my trauma brain throwing a party.

RavenMad:Doesn't matter. Listen to your instincts because it's better to be safe.

My fingers hover over the keyboard, my heart suddenly a trapped bird in my ribcage. I start typing:I'm always scared that—

Then I stop. Then I delete the words letter by letter. Backspace, backspace, backspace. The truth about my past was trying to escape through my fingertips, but I can't let it. I was threatened never to tell my truth, and so far, my silence has kept me alive.

Raven knows the basics of my trauma, but she doesn't know about The Director because I told her a random man hurt me. I've never spoken about the real man's empty promises, the deception and grooming. His cruelty that no one except me noticed.

"If you want opportunities, Elle, you need to be seen by the right people. Come to the party as my date. You'll schmooze, meet people, grab their attention for new roles. You won't forget it."

Elle was my stage name and he'd roll it around his tongue like something he savored. Stupidly, I listened to him and that party changed my entire life.

Raven also doesn't know about the two men who came to my apartment two weeks after the party; the threats to keep my mouth shut, demanding I leave Cali.

They left bruises as parting gifts.

I did exactly what they demanded. I kept silent, packed up my life, and abandoned my career right when I was on the verge of a role everyone said would get me an Oscar. I changed my hair and my entire existence. I haven't even dated since then or tried to contact my family, not that my mom cares enough to notice.

But I've always worried: what if those scary men come back? What if The Director comes for me?

Then I challenge that thought with, "Why?"

I haven't done anything wrong, so what could they, or the director they work for, possibly want?

That's why this all must be my paranoia. There's no reason they'd find me here and try to… what? Threaten me when I haven't caused problems?

Londyn83:Just feeling uneasy but I'm okay.

RavenMad:Are you cancelling your date tonight?

My finger traces invisible patterns on my desk as I consider it. Cancel? Don't cancel? The strain of each option feels heavier and heavier.

Londyn83:I don't know. Marcus seems nice.

And he does. At least, the version of him that exists online in sweet messages and good morning GIFs. We've been talking for months because I've been dragging my feet about actually setting a time for our first date. To Marcus, I have asuperbusy life, though reality is the complete opposite. Other guys would've given up after my first three-week disappearing act, but not Marcus. He just... waited. Sent a simple "Hope you're doing okay" when I resurfaced.

Compared to other men I've attempted to chat with online, Marcus doesn't pressure me, so we've developed a simplefriendship of greetings and check-ins. We even have a few things in common, like a love of comedy movies.

Londyn83:He's been so sweet, so I do want to meet him in person. What if we actually hit it off?

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