Page 5 of Dex

Placingmy phone down on the arm of the chair, I angle my body so it isn’t touching the material of the sofa. My back is killing me. The new ink I had yesterday is stinging like a little bitch. Mike at the studio did not want to tattoo me but I convinced him. So he did it for me- at a discount I may add. I have no tattoos on my back so I wanted something for me, even though I can’t see it. I had a Hamsa hand tattoo done. It’s a red lotus flower just above the perfect eye, with the most beautiful green iris; Dex. The three fingers hold memories for me. The left one has a family tree in it, the middle one has three hearts in it and the right one has a tattoo gun in it. It is bloody beautiful and has so much meaning for me. I have been wearing a strapless top since. I tried putting a vest top on but it rubbed, so I will just wear this top for now.

The pain will wear off soon. I rest my feet up on the sofa and turn the TV on. I sit and watch an episode of The Fall. Come on, who doesn’t love a bit of Jamie Dornan? I know I do, he was pretty damn sexy as Mr Grey. This programme is messed up, but in a good way. It is the only show where I will the bad psycho killer to go free. He is just too damn sexy for jail.

I laugh to myself, which happens often these days. Here I am sitting here like a pathetic, lonely cat lady watching a TV show, drooling over the bad guy. I reach over for my big bag of flamin’ hot Monster Munch. I seem to be craving them these days. My phone chimes reminding me that I didn’t answer Jay’s text. It has been hard not seeing him or Dex, but I needed to get away. Dex’s words and actions were hurting me. I had to think of me this time. I had always put his feelings first in the past, but not anymore. Things need to be done my way now. There are far more important things that come before Dex. The night I left was the worst he had hurt me. To tell me that he was using me to forget… That, right there, cut me so fucking deep. He has literally punched me in the chest, ripped out my heart and set it on fire as we watched it burn to ashes.

The ache hurts more and more as each day passes, but I know that if I was to go back to Bell Harbour, I would feel his rejection all over again. He is simply not ready to let Fiona go. He is still in love with her and I can’t blame him, she was his first love. He loved her with all of his heart and I would never ask him to forget her or stop loving her. But I had thought- over time- he would let me in and love me too; obviously not. So my life is here now, in Coverton. I work part-time at a studio where I got my new tattoo done. Mike gave me a job when I walked in after seeing a ‘job vacancy’ sign in the window. I explained the reason I left my old job and he hired me on the spot. He’s become like a dad to me. He is fifty-five and he is fricking awesome. His wife, Wendy, is wicked, she keeps him in line. They both gave me this apartment for free. They told me it was their daughter’s, but she moved over to America with a new job, so it had been sitting empty- until me. It is fully furnished which was handy to me.

I have been here for just over four months and things are changing drastically. My life is taking a new path and I really want my favourite boys here with me. I also miss Penny, Liam and the kids. I heard from Jay that Penny and Liam are having a baby. I am so happy for them, but it makes me miss them more. I won’t see Penny’s belly grow with the baby. I miss Connie and Knox so much. A lump forms in my throat at the thought. My phone rings from beside me. I guess Jay got pissed at waiting for me to reply. Sighing I pick up the phone and answer it.

“Hello.”

“Why did you not get back to me?” Yeah, he is pissed. But a pissed off Jay Castle is fun.

“Sorry, I got sidetracked watching Mr Spector,” I tell him.

“Who the fuck is Mr Spec- Oh, never mind, I know. Fucking hell, Addy, it’s a TV show, you can press pause you know.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to.” I shrug my shoulders. I know he can’t see me but I still do it. Reaction I guess.

“Fucking pleb. Okay, so I know that you said you didn’t want to see me but I really need to see you and make sure that you are okay. It’s fucking killing me not being able to see it for myself, Addy. Please?” I rest my chin on my chest, which tightens at the thought of what he will do when he sees me.

“I can’t,” I whisper.

“You fucking can, and you will. I am going out of my mind here, Addison.” I know he's bringing out the big guns with the full name.

“Isn’t this enough? I told you that I am fine. I have a nice place to live and I have a great job with a fab bunch of people.”

“Fucking traitor. I can’t believe that you’re working in another studio. I should have Dex spank your arse for that.” At the mention of his name, my heart skips a beat. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to say his name. Sorry.” His voice drops and I can hear the sadness in it. I know that I have caused a rift between them and I hate myself for it.

“How is he?” I can’t help myself. I think on a deeper level I enjoy torturing my heart. I hold my breath, waiting for Jay to tell me how brother is. The last time we talked, Dex was drunk; again. I haven’t spoken to Jay in over a month; just a text here and there. The pain got too much at one point; that I was lying to him. Keeping a secret from the Castle boys.

“He’s good. He stopped drinking and he is back on track.” His voice drops again. “He misses you, Addy. Fuck, we all do.”

“I know.” My heart fucking hurts so bad. Can I go back? Will he forgive me? Can he love me? So many questions. I shuffle to the end of the sofa, stand up and walk over to the window. The view is of the kids’ park. Seeing the kids running around makes me smile. I love seeing kids enjoying their freedom but the loud, high-pitched screaming gives me a headache. There are a few kids in there playing and enjoying their freedom. My heart squeezes again, thinking of Connie and Knox.

“Come home, Addison. Please?” Fuck is Jay crying? The emotion is thick in his voice.

“I can’t, Jay. Please don’t make me. It hurts.”

“Then come the fuck home, Addy. Jesus- shit, we need you here. He needs you here.”

Hearing that Dex needs me almost makes my resolve vanish, but I know I need to be strong, for myself. Where was Dex when I needed him? Off somewhere with some slag for the weekend and he has the fucking cheek to tell me that I got myself into the situation? A shitty situation that I should never have put myself in. Fucking men, making me fall for their shit. Arsehole.

“I can’t…” I hear a scuffle and then the voice that makes my body sing and my blood boil at the same time.

“Addy, babe. Are you there?” His voice is hoarse, like he is trying to hold onto his emotions. “Baby, please answer me.” Baby? Babe? Where the hell has this come from? He normally calls me shitty names. My throat tightens and I can’t bloody speak.

“Ads, please come home. I know I fucked up. Shit. Please, just come home.”

“I can’t, D-Dex.”

“Yes, you can babe. Please?” Jay is bitching in the background, telling Dex to give him the phone back. “Well, if you had just told me where she is, then I could go and see her and sort all this shit out. Thanksbrother,” Dex grinds out, sounding pissed at his brother. Shit, I caused this. “Addy, at least meet me for a coffee, I need to see you, babe.”

“No.”

“No?” he asks.

“I need to think of me right now, Dex. You only want to see me, to see that I am okay. Well, I can tell you that I am okay. You do not need to see me and quite frankly I don’t want to see you. I need more time.”

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