Page 6 of Jay

“Why? I don’t want to settle down - at all, Jay. I have told you this over and over again, but you chose to ignore it. You want more and I can’t give you that. Just leave me the fuck alone.” She screams the last few words. She goes to stomp off but I grab her wrist and pull her to a stop. She swings her body around to face me. The anger is rolling off her, but I don’t give a fuck. Things need to be fucking sorted, we can’t go on the way things have been. I feel like a fucking ping pong ball, being hit back andforth.

“Rach, we need to talk. You’re angry right now and have no doubt been drinking, but we need to sort things out. We need to see where the hell we are going with this.” I gesture between her and me. “What do you want out of this? Be fucking honest with me for once, Rach. I can’t take the games anymore.” I don’t give a fuck if I sound like a girl right now, I am so fucking over her bullshitgames.

“I want nothing, Jay. You want kids and a perfect fucking wife. Well, I can’t do that, I’m not built that way. I-I just want to love and have fun. Simple really. So, there’s no point in carrying on anything we started. You want one thing and I want another. Find a nice girl who will treat you right. I will never be that girl; I like fucking around, I like the freedom. Sorry.” She walks past me, and this time I let her. Her words have stunned me. I can’t move. I stare at the brick wall in front of me and start to count the red bricks, subconsciously. My heart is pounding in my chest and my breathing is heavy. I know that it’s stupid for me to feel this way, but I honest to fucking God thought she would want more, the more time we spent together. What a dick I am to think that. She has made an absolute fucking fool outofme.

“Rachel,” I call, and turn to face her. She stands there and waits to see what I have to say. A frown on her beautiful face. “You really made a fool out of me, didn’t you? Well, you know what? Fuck you, Rach, fuck you for making me think that we had something here. That we could possibly become something more. I am worth ten of you, and I will find a girl that will love me for me. Who will give me the fucking world. The perfect kids and the perfect house. You? Well, you will still be shagging fucking wankers when you’re old and saggy, because you will never learn to let people in and love you. Have a nice fucking life.” I storm past her but she stops me as shewhispers.

“I hope you get it all, Jay. I truly do.” With that, she walks back into the club. I watch her go. She made me see that it’s for the best that we part ways now, before I invest more feelings in her. Feelings that I can clearly see she would never have given back to me. Luke leans against the wall, looking bored, asusual.

“You done?” he asks, looking up from hisphone.

“So fucking done. Let’s get out of here, I need a fucking drink.” He nods his head and we walk away from the club, leaving Rach to find herself an empty fuck for the night. It’s something I have never been good at: one-night stands, but I am a bloke after all and we have needs. But obviously something has happened to Rachel in the past for her to have these feelings, and there was never going to be a chance that I could get her to feel for me what I was starting to feel for her. This is for the best. Yes, she ripped me open, but now I need to find someone to stitch me backtogether.

rachel

Irollover in my bed and my stomach rolls in the other direction. Holy crap, I am hungover. Why did I drink so much last night? Everything that happened comes flooding back into my head, causing the pounding to increase. Oh God. I bury my head in the pillow, praying like fuck that the spinning stops. When I went back into the bar after the bust up with Jay, I drank like a fucking fish. Shot after shot. Gavin matched my shots. I’m pretty sure he turned into Jay at some point last night, after the many shots of tequila. I’m sure we stopped with the salt and limes after a few more. My mouth tastes like a week-old ham sandwich. I slowly sit up, dangling my legs over the side of the bed, getting my bearings before I attempt to stand. A warm hand touches my back, making me yelp insurprise.

“Hey. Are you okay?” I turn my head around to see who I brought home with me. Not that I had a clue that I did bring someone home with me. I see Gavin laying there, looking truly shagged. His hair is sticking up in every direction. He looks so relaxed, sleepy still. I smileathim.

“Yeah, just feeling a little nauseated. Be right back, I need to use the bathroom.” I don’t wait for his reply. I pick up my dressing gown from the floor and put it on. Once I’ve done what I needed to do, I lean on the vanity and take a good, hard look at myself in the mirror. A horror story stares back at me. My hair is matted; my makeup smudged all over the place. I wash my hands and splash a little water on my face, trying to clear the fog clogging up my brain. Last night was an absolute mess, but a part of me knows it needed to be done. Now Jay hates me and I have some random bloke in my bed. I shake my head and move towards the shower, before reaching to switch the water on. Not waiting for it to warm up, I climb in. The coldness wakes me up but soon the warm water is washing over me, taking away the shitty nightIhad.

Everything that has been said between Jay and I, even the tense moment with Penny and I comes flooding back, causing my head and heart to hurt. Why can’t I give him what heneeds?

Because everyone leaves you and you hate the feeling of beinghelpless.

The words slice through my head, making me shiver at the truth and pain in them. Fuck my life, I need to get out of here. I quickly wash my hair and body and then climb out. After a quick towel dry, I walk back into my bedroom. Gavin is sitting on my bed, fully dressed. He lifts his head and offers a smallsmile.

“You okay?” he asks. I nodmyhead.

“Yeah, I just need to get going. I have to meet my best friend in an hour,” I lie. I just need to get out of the house and clearmyhead.

“That’s fine. I know all the shit that went down last night with that lad. I don’t know what’s going on with you two but I like you, so... Can I call you sometime?” Shit, I thought this was a one-nightthing.

“Shit,” I whisper, and walk towards my wardrobe. I pull out a simple dress that I can wear my flat shoes with. I am not in the mood to doll-up today. This hangover is killing me. I turn tofacehim.

“I’m in a crappy place right now, Gav. If we had met at a different time, then maybe…” I leave the sentencehanging.

“Yeah, I get it. I’ll see you around, Rach.” He walks over to me and kisses my cheek, before quietly leaving my house. I hold my breath, waiting for the front door to shut behind him. I hear the noise of the door opening and closing, and I collapse onto my bed. Shit. Why can’t things in life be bloody easy. I finish getting ready for the day and head into town. I need to pick a few things up, ready for my next bout of nightshifts.

* * *

Not even an hour later,I’m walking through town, smiling at people who pass me. The sunshine is lightening my mood. All that vitamin D does wonders to the body. I pop into a small bakery boutique that sells the most amazing cakes. I would marry these if I could.Mouth-gasm.

“Hi, Martha. Can I have my usual, please?” I ask the older lady that ownstheshop.

“Big night?” she asks, smirking at me. She knows me well. I always ask for my usual when I’m hungover. The pastry helps soak up the alcohol – well, that's my excuse anyway. I smile at her and watch as she boxes up thedeliciousness.

“You could say that, yeah.” I say. I push down any thoughts of last night. Of Jay. I can’t go there anymore, it will only hurt in the end, so what’s the point in starting anything. I know it will end with me being hurt. Whether he leaves me or I leave him, the pain is guaranteed. As she places the box on the counter, I force my now frowning face into a polite smileoncemore.

“You need to find yourself a nice boy and settle down. A pretty girl like you needs a man to look after her. My sweet Michael… Oh, he doted on me and our children. God rest his soul. He was the best man I could have asked for. You young ‘uns these days want to sleep around and be wild, which is great, don’t get me wrong. But nothing beats coming home to the family after a long, hard day at work.” I stand frozen, listening to her words that bounce around my head. But they do just that: bounce, not sink in. Her words have an impact on me but not enough make me want what she had. Because just like her husband, dying and leaving her… I know I won’t survive that. So, I refuse to put myselfthroughit.

“I’ll find a nice boy one day, Martha, I promise. But for now, I’m married to my job, which is important to me. Thanks for these,” I say, lifting the box of cakes and walking out of the bakery. I walk out into the sunlight and make my way down to the bigger supermarket to get what I needforwork.

Martha’s words are still rattling around my head when I see him. Jay Castle. The man that has been in my thoughts for months, who I can’t get over taking things further with. But at this moment, jealousy rages through me. He’s talking to a woman. A very pretty woman with short blonde hair that reaches her shoulders. She’s slender but looks toned, and wearing a black dungaree dress with a white crop top underneath and whitetrainers.

He says something to her and she throws her head back and laughs. I instantly hate her. The feelings that are running through me make no sense. I know I shouldn't be jealous of her, Jay isn’t mine and he never will be, but the feelings seeping into my blood makes me hate him just as I hate her. I hate that he makes me feel like this. The feeling of being torn. I know I can't give him what he wants, so these stupid feelingsaremoot.

I stand and stare at their interaction. Mixed emotions race through my body. I watch as she lifts the hem of her dress a little and Jay’s face lights up. Fucking slag. To flash him in broad daylight! Bloody hell. I watch as Jay bends to get a closer look at whatever she’s showing him. His hand slowly lifts to touch her skin, and that's when all my resolvesnaps.

---