Page 156 of In Your Dreams, Holden Rhodes

After I had arrived back in Toronto, Willa was seconds from canceling her trip home because she didn’t want me to be alone for Christmas. I had to put on a big show about how fine I was to get her to go.

She still called me every day while she was away. I didn’t tell her what happened with Holden. I couldn’t revisit it, it was still too fresh, like a scrape that hadn’t scabbed over yet, sharp and stinging.

All the other things I loved about Queen’s Cove drifted into my thoughts. Olivia and the bar. Elizabeth and the rest of Holden’s family. The inn. The forest, with my sparkling treehouse bar. I stalked the Queen’s Cove Instagram account for updates about the town. I’d exchanged a few texts with Olivia but she wasn’t much of a conversationalist without me in front of her, drawing the information out of her.

Over and over, I asked myself if there was any scenario where things could have ended differently.

There wasn’t. He was loud and clear. He wanted to get married and over time, he’d grow to resent me because I wouldn’t cave. I knew that and yet I still tortured myself with memories of him.

“What season of Grey’s Anatomy are you on now?” Willa asked.

My eyes narrowed as I thought. “Ten, I think? I’ve lost track.”

She grinned and stood. “I’m going to shower and wash all the plane germs off, and then,” she wiggled her eyebrows with excitement, “we’ll lay out all our furniture in your design program.”

Hesitation wavered through me and I sucked in a breath. Willa had been talking nonstop about the apartment we’d be moving into in March. Now I was back early, we would move in early February instead. I knew she was trying to cheer me up and remind me we had something exciting to look forward to but every time I thought about that apartment, I thought about living with Holden.

When I thought about Holden, I had to run to the bathroom so Willa wouldn’t see me cry.

I tried to shove him out of my head. It was time to move on.

Twenty minutes later, Willa danced into the kitchen with wet hair, wearing pajamas, and tossed a ticket down on the counter with a big smile.

“I have a surprise for you,” she sang. “Sarah pulled some strings and got a spare ticket to the New Year’s Eve ball.” Her eyes glittered as she watched my reaction. “Now you can join, too.”

Internally, I sunk with disappointment. I was looking forward to hanging with my fictional doctor friends on Netflix that evening. The thought of getting dressed up, going out, pretending to have the time of my life, it already exhausted me. Everyone would ask how my time on the west coast was, and I had no clue what I would say.

“Babe.” Willa stepped in front of me and held my shoulders, staring into my eyes. “I know you don’t want to go, but you need to wash your hair.”

I snorted.

“Seriously,” she said, laughing. “Getting all dressed up, seeing everyone, having a few drinks and flirting with guys? It’ll make you feel better. I know it.”

My mouth twisted into a rueful smile and I nodded. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right.”

I couldn’t sit around and mope forever if I wanted to move on from Holden Rhodes.

62

Holden

“Stop staring at the dildo,”Olivia said, sliding a beer across the counter to me. “It’s freaking people out.”

I rolled my eyes before settling back into a scowl. “I’m looking at the TV.” I gestured at the dildo still mounted on the wall beside it, covered in bite marks. “Why don’t you move it above the door?”

My head rang with a memory of Sadie suggesting Olivia mount it above the hallway to the washrooms.

“It could be like mistletoe,” she had said, laughing. “Mistle-dildo?”

I let out a snort before the emptiness in my chest rolled back in. Tomorrow was New Year’s Eve. Was she going out with Willa and all their friends? Was she back to living with Willa already?

What did she do for Christmas?

Did she miss me like I missed her?

When the clock hit midnight, would she kiss someone else? Possessive jealousy gripped my chest at the thought of her with anyone else.

A thought crept into my head. Maybe the whole getting married thing didn’t matter. For the thousandth time, I wondered if I made a huge fucking mistake letting her go.

---