Page 20 of Shaped By Darkness

“I don’t care if I hated him with every fiber of my being. I’m almost positive he’s your mate, the same as me and the rest of those guys. It’s not ideal, not what I wanted, to share the woman of my dreams with five other men, but I will, because the alternative is to be without you, and that’s not an option.”

He swallows hard before giving a shake of his head, as if attempting to dislodge the thought.

“I’ve lived without you, Serena. It’s not something I can do again.” His voice cracks on the last word, and he takes a deep breath as if trying to get a grip. It doesn’t seem to do anything when his next words come out quiet and broken. “I’d rather die.”

His words cut through me, hitting me right in my already bruised and bleeding heart. For what must be the millionth time these last few weeks, I break down.

I’m so fucking sick of crying.

My legs give out, and I would have hit the ground if not for Garrett. I want to hold it in, to be strong and emotionless like Lyle would be if this were me, but I can’t.

These guys have been my safe place for as long as I can remember. At this point, I can’t imagine living without them. I don’t want to.

Fuck, I’m not even sure if I can. Rosalynn said that losing a mate could kill you, the pain so unbearable as you lose a piece of your soul.

I’m not mated to Lyle, but I can’t help feeling like he was meant to be mine. He might not be dead, but right now he’s lost to me, and fuck if I don’t want to run into the forest and lose myself if it means finding him.

He was meant to be mine, and I’m his…

Or I should have been.

“Let’s get some sleep. We can talk about this later. Right now, just let me take care of you.” Garrett scoops me up, and I’m asleep before we even get back into the castle.

I’m not sure how long I slept. It might have been a few minutes or days. Either way, I wake feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time and sweaty.

The guys had taken it upon themselves to bring in three more beds a few weeks ago. They lined them all up against the far wall opposite the window, making one huge bed that we could all easily fit in.

For a little while, it was nice, but now with Storm refusing to come within fifty feet of me and Lyle missing, it almost feels too big. A perfect representation of the hole I feel most nights.

Tonight, though, as I carefully untangle myself from Garrett and Sol, I’m momentarily caught off guard when I spot Storm in one of the armchairs near the bookshelf.

I’m torn between the feeling of excitement that bubbles up inside of me and the sting of disappointment that he’s still so far away.

Baby steps. At least he’s here.

Why is he here, though? Did one of the guys say something, or did he finally have enough of the separation?

Fuck, I really hope it’s the latter because I’ve missed him. Every glimpse of him around the castle leaves my heart pounding and my bond begging for me to go to him, just like it is now.

I don't, of course. The last thing I want to do is push him away again. Whatever it is he needs to do to come back to me, I’m here for it, even if it puts him just out of my reach for a little while.

I’m tempted to lie back down, feeling content for the first time in weeks. It’s not perfect, but this is as close to whole as I’ve felt in a while and as close as I can probably get given the circumstances.

The bed dips around me, and I say a silent thank you to the universe that Pike is in his human form and Blair is at the farside of the bed. I never would have made it further than sitting if that weren’t the case.

Standing at the end of the bed, I look around at each of them and let myself breathe for what might be the first time in… longer than I’d like to admit. Mated or not, I love these men, and nothing can change that.

Not Storm avoiding me, Garrett’s lack of faith, Blair’s overbearing need to watch out for me, Pike’s inability to handle real emotions without sprouting a tail, Sol’s insecurity, or the fact that Lyle has become a literal monster who wouldn’t hesitate to murder me…

My mind wanders, filled with memories of bright purple eyes and the way his arm felt wrapped around me, even if just for a moment.

Fuck, someone needs to stop me. At this point, I might as well steal the Pokémon motto. Don’t I have enough men to worry about already?

I want to say I do, but I can’t bring myself to.

The last book I’d been poring through sits on the table. The moonlight pouring through the window is more than enough light to read by tonight. I can’t stop myself from grabbing the book and heading to the window. Garrett’s room is on the south side of the castle, which means this window overlooks the forest, and it’s fucking beautiful no matter the time of day.

I sit on the window ledge, pulling my knees up and hugging them tight to my chest. Just like that, my thoughts stray back to Ryker, remembering the view from the top of his house.

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