Page 109 of Push

“Toby, you need to talk to the police. No.Weneed to. I’m coming. I’ll help. I’ll make sure it’s handled properly. Quickly.” Without knowing what the hell I was doing, I dashed across the kitchen, heading for Noah’s highchair. “I’ve still got connections downtown. We’ll go right now—”

“Gwen.”

“Now, Toby!” My voice was shrill, too high, the words screeching out too fast. The suffocating feeling tightening my chest only made my heart thump faster.“Right now!”

Toby stopped me before I reached Noah. His arm caught me around the waist, and even when I was babbling a thousand miles a second about everything we needed to do, he pulled me against his chest, whispering quiet words I couldn’t hear over the roar of my panicked thoughts.

“We don’t have time for this!” I shoved against him with all my strength. He didn’t budge. “We need to go!”

Toby’s voice was achingly soft. “I’ll talk to the police. I’ll go. I did this. I’ll fix it.” His big hand soothed up and down my back. “Calm down, Gwen.”

“Calm down? I can’t calm down!”

“I won’t let her hurt you.”

“Me?She’s going to hurtyou!She’s threateningyou!I can’t—I don’t—” All my fears about losing Toby crashed over me like a tidal wave. I scrubbed furiously at my eyes. My face was wet. At some point, I’d started crying, and now that the tears had started, they gushed down my cheeks.

I buried myself into the wall of Toby’s chest, my arms curling around him, my fingers digging into his sides.

“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You can chuck me out on the street, say every hurtful thing the big dictionary in your head can come up with, and even tell me the way I prune the roses is shit—I’m not going anywhere. And you know how proud I am of those roses, doll.” His lips pressed into my hair. “You’llneverlose me.”

“But I already did. You were all I ever had, Toby. You were mine, but you didn’t want me. I wasn’t enough.” The dark void I’d always carefully locked shut had been flung open. Every emotion I’d bottled up flooded out. “You threw me away. For her.” I clung to him, the whimper of each painful sob muffled by the forbidden warmth of his chest. “You threw me away.”

Toby said nothing. His arms hugged tighter around me. But I felt it—the wet patch where his face pressed against mine.

I’d broken him, too.

35

He Held His Wife

Toby

“Toby.” Gwen’s voice wasas small as the ball she’d tucked herself into on my lap. Swollen, red eyes lifted to meet mine. Tears still stained her cheeks, but her breaths didn’t come in gasps anymore. She was almost back to normal. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” I wasn’t letting her feel bad for letting out all that pain. I shifted on the floor, tingles returning to my dead leg, but still cradling my girl against my chest. “You cry as much as you want.”

“I hate crying.”

I knew my strong Gwen didn’t like showing weakness. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”

I glanced over the top of her head to check on Noah. Our happy little dude had no idea his brave mama was falling apart. He was busy singing and painting his highchair—and himself—head to toe with yogurt. When his big eyes blinked in our direction to make sure he was stillnumero uno, I scrunched upmy face and poked out my tongue. He squealed a delighted laugh and went back to his mess.

“It’s good to have a big cry sometimes,” I murmured, daring to kiss Gwen’s head. The hint of affection and the sniff of peach shampoo were simple pleasures I still hadn’t earned. I’d missed holding Gwen so much.

“Says who?”

“Smart people,” I said. “You’re still perfect even if you need to have a big cry.”

“I’m the furthest thing from perfect.” Her voice was small again. Did she not want me to hear her, or did she not want to admit it to herself?

“You’re perfect to me and Noah. Not because you always have your shit together, but because you’re…” I shrugged. “Just you.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Times a hundred.”

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